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THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 

OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


i'HE  DRAMATIC  WORKS  OF  H.  V.  ESMOND. 


No.  4. 


Lilly's  Little 
Love  Affair. 


A     COMEDY     IN     THREE     ACTS, 


BY 


H.  V.  ESMOND. 


PRICE  ONE  SHILLING  AND    SIXPENCE. 


^  Amateur  Fee  -for  each  representation   of  this    Play 

is  Five  Guineas,  payable  in  advance  to 

Samuel   French,  Limited,  26,  Southampton-street, 

Strand,  London. 


London  : 
AMUEL  FRENCH,  Ltd., 

PUBLISHERS, 

;,  SOUTHAMPTON  ST., 
STRAND, 


New  York  : 
SAMUEL   FRENCH, 

PUBLISHER, 

24,  WEST  22nd  STKEET. 


r»  Tj^  TTrrir'      nr7'C^rrr>TrFrr\  1 


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BILLY'S 
LITTLE   LOVE   AFFAIR. 


THE    PLAYS     OF   R.    C.    CARTON. 

IS.  6i.  each. 

LADY  HUNTWORTWS  EXPERIMENT. 
LIBERTY  HALL. 
SUNLIGHT  AND  SHADOW. 

THE   PLA  YS   OF  H.    V.  ESMOND. 

IS.  6d.  each. 

BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

ONE  SUMMER'S  DA  Y. 

WHEN  WE  WERE  TWENTY-ONE. 

WILDERNESS. 

THE  PLAYS  OF  MADELEINE  LUCETTE 
RYLEY. 

IS.  6d.  each. 

AN  AMERICAN  CITY. 
/EDB  UR  Y  JUNIOR. 
MICE  AND  MEN. 

THE   PLAYS    OF  OSCAR   WILDE. 

IS.  6J.  each. 

IMPORTANCE  OF  BEING  EARNEST, 
LADY  WINDERMERE'S  FAN. 


LO.VDO.V.-    SAMUEL  FREyCH,  LIMITED. 


BILLY'S 
LITTLE  LOVE  AEEAIR 

Comedy  iTn  UF^ree  Bets 


EY 

H.  V.  ESMOND 


COPYRIGHT,    1904,    EV  SAMUnI,   FRENCH 


New  York  |  I.on'dox 

SAMUEL  FRENCH  SAMUEL   FRENCH,   Ltd. 

punLisHF.R  26  Southampton  Strket, 

:26  WEST  22D  STREET  I         STRAND,  LONDON. 


BILLYS  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 


Produced  at  the  Crilerioii   Theatre  on  September  2d,  /903. 
zuith  the  fottozuiitg  cast  : 

Cbaracters. 

Jack  FREP.i; sir.  Auan  Aynesworth. 

Sir  Harry  Harmox Mr.  Charles  (Proves. 

Jim  Greaves Mr.  Sam  Sothern. 

Mr.  Munkittrick Mr.  Mark  Kinghorne. 

•Captain  Becher Mr.  Orlando  Daly. 

Mr.  Raddles Mr.  J.  W.   MacDonald, 

Hagsom Mr.  Ian  MacLaren. 

Hon.  Mrs.  Herring Miss  Carlotta  Zerbini. 

Mrs.  Ji.m  Greaves Miss  Florence  St.  John. 

Lady  Duncan Miss  Granville. 

Lady  Roop .Miss  Alice  Leet. 

Lady  Fairleigh Mrs.  E.  H.  Brooke. 

Miss  Perrot Mrs.  Cairn-James. 

Fielding Miss  Eileen  Warren. 

Fowler Miss  Edith  Cartwright. 

Miss  WiLiiELMiNA  Marr Miss  Eva  Moore. 


THE   ACTION   OF   THE    FLAY   PASSES   AT    IIARLESDON    MANOR. 

Act  L — The  Terrace. 

Act  IL — The  Smokinc-Room. 

AcTin.— The  Hall. 


Time — The  Prese-.U  Day. 

7571  f?5 


Digitized  by  tlie  Internet  Arcliive 

in  2008  witli  funding  from 

IVIicrosoft  Corporation 


littp://www.arcliive.org/details/billyslittleloveOOesmo 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR- 


ACT    I. 

Scene. — The  terrace  at  Harlesdon  Maxtor.  An  old  stone 
Balustrade  at  hack  heyond  and  below  icith  a  view  of 
the  open  country.  On  the  l.  a  portion  of  the  house  is 
seen  ivith  large  open  ^cindo^vs,  opening  into  the  draio- 
ing-room.  Steps  lead  from  these  windows  down  on  to 
terrace.  And  steps  also  up  from  the  grounds  on  to 
the  terrace  at  right  side  of  stage. 

(Discovered. — Various  Old  Ladies  are  sitting  in  cane 
chairs,  dozing  through  the  heat  of  the  afternoon. 
Lady  Fairleigh,  a  benevolent,  comfortable  old  lady; 
Lady  Roop,  o  very  vacant  looking  lady,  and  the  Hon. 
Mrs.  Herring,  a  stout  flabby  lady  of  fifty  or  there- 
abouts. They  are  all  three  comfortably  asleep.  Mrs. 
Herring  has  a  S7nall  handkerchief  resting  on  her  some- 
what large  face.  A  moment  after  the  curtain  rises, 
Mrs.  Herring  becomes  a  little  disturbed,  and  half 
leaking,  flutters  ivith  her  handkerchief — then  again 
replaces  it  over  her  eyes  and  endeavors  to  resume  her 
slumbers.  Another  pause.  She  is  again  disturbed, 
sits  up  fiercely,  and  looks  round  enviously  at  her 
sleeping  neighbours.) 

Mrs.  H.  (seated  r.  c.)  No  flies  on  them,  (a  pause- 
she  looks  gloomily  at  Lady  Roop.  Then  sharply)  Mary! 
Wake  up,  Mary!  (Lady  Roop  ivakes  and  looks  vaguely 
about.  Site  has  a  note-book  and  j^encil  in  Iter  kip.  Mrs.  H. 
fiuttering  her  handkerchief)  Sometliing  could  easily  be 
(lone— treacle  papier  or  one  of  those  men  with  the  hatband. 
No  flies  on  vou,  Marv  ? 

Lady  R."  {loith  'a  chuckle)  Not  since  I  took  up 
journalism. 


4  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

Mi:s.  H.     {sadly)     Something  on  me  attracts  'em. 

{Enter  Man  Servant  icith  tea  tray,  then  Maid  ivith  cov- 
ered dish.  Mrs.  K.  sighs,  and  she  and  Lady  R.  both 
settle  back  into  their  chairs  again  and  close  their  eyes. 
Max  Servant  and  Maid  set  tea  back  of  terrace,  almost 
behind  the  house,  then  go  quietly  l.  u.  e.,  leaving  the 
old  ladies  undisturbed.) 

<Miss  Perrot  enters  from  draicing  room  and  doivn  steps 
L.  II.  Crosses  up  c.  to  table  on  platform.  She  is  very 
handsome,  though  a  someichat  discontented  woman  of 
thirty.  She  goes  up  at  back  to  the  tea  table,  and 
after  a  pause,  rattles  a  cup  and  saucer,  saying  firmly.) 
Miss  P.     {at  table  c.)     Tea!,     {The  three  Old' Ladies 

loake  tcith  a  start) 
Lady  F.     {on  settee  up  l.  c. — a  little  dazed)     What 

was  I  saying? 

Miss  P.     Tea!    {then  realising  there  is  no  teapot  on 

the  table)     Oh,  no,  it's  not  here  yet. 
All  Old  Ladies.     Tea  already? 
Lady  P.     {rising  and  moving  doicn  L.  c. — looking  at 

her  watch)     Four!     Gracious,  nearly  five!     I  must  have 

dropped  off.     (Miss  P.  crosses  to  table  l.) 
Mrs.  H.     {in  arm-chair  l.  c. — enviously)     You  did — 

no  flies  on  you  either.     (Lady  F.  moves  down  to  bench 

L.    Mrs.  H.  fluttering  her  handkerchief)    It'sthe  little  onus 

that  tickle.    Where's  Jane?     (Miss  P.  crosses  to  c.) 

(Raddles,  a  weak-kneed  gentleman  of  forty  enters  from 
R.  2,  up  steps  to  platform  r.  c.) 

Miss  p.  {down  r.  c.  l.  of  Mrs.  H.)  Probably  sitting 
in  her  bedroom,  regretting  her  second  marriage.  (Lady 
F.  is  now  down  l.  sitting  on  bench  in  front  of  steps) 

Lady  R.  {in  arm-chair  r.  ii. — icith  a  short  chuckle) 
I  wonder  does  he  ever  regret  it?  (Raddles  attempts  to 
speak) 

Mrs.  H.  Not  while  she  allows  him  enough  to  dress 
on. 

Miss  P.  (c.)  I've  heard  that  that  allowance  is  some- 
what intermittent. 

Lady  R.  (r.)  It  has  been  reduced  occasionally. 
(she  chuckles  again) 

Mrs.  H.  (r.  c.  closing  her  eyes  and  speaking  sol- 
emnly) On  the  first  occasion  his  dress  money  was  re- 
duced, as  a  protest  he  walked  about  in  knickerbockers. 
I  dread  to  contemplate  hoio  he  will  appear  in  public  if 
it  should  be  cut  off  entirely — 


BILLI-S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  5 

Mr.  R.  (on  platform — nervously)  My  view  of  the 
matter  is — 

Lady  P.  {on  stone  bench  i>.  h.,  checks  him  quickly, 
lest  he  should  be  indiscreet — quickly)  Mr.  Raddles! 
Really,.^ 

(Raddles  subsides.  Maid  is  seen  in  the  drawing-room 
of  house  L.  H.  She  enters,  goes  to  icindow  and  gets 
book  as  if  sent  for  it.) 

Lady  R.  There's  her  maid,  (calls)  Fowler!  (Maid 
■comes  to  door  facing  audience)     Where's  your  mistress? 

Fowler,  (at  door  of  house  l.  ii. — gravely)  She's 
locked  herself  into  Mr.  Greaves'  room  an  hour  or  more, 
my  lady.  I  don  t  think  she'll  partake  of  tea  to-day. 
(Fowler  disappears  off  l.  11.  in  house.  Miss  P.  moves 
doicn  R.  of  Lady  F.) 

Lady  R.  Locked  herself  in  her  husband's  room? 
(cJiuckles) 

Lady  F.  (a  little  distressed)  Oh,  dear,  something 
fresh  must  have  occurred. 

Miss  P.  (moves  l.  a  little  of  Lady  F. — languidly) 
My  dear  Lady  Fairleigh,  when  a  woman  of  Jane's  age 
marries  a  gilded  youth  who  has  lost  nearly  all  his  gild- 
ing, (look  between  Miss  P.  and  Raddles.  He  chuckles) 
something  fresh  is  always  occurring. 

Mrs.  H.  Or  rather,  something  stale  is  always  becom- 
ing fresh.  (Miss  P.  moves  c.  Raddles  moves  up  to 
tea  table) 

Miss  P.  (moving  to  c.)  And  that's  an  evolution 
quite  incompatible  with  domestic  felicity,     (up  to  table) 

<Man  Sekvaxt  enters  l.  u.  e.  icith  the  tea-cake,  places  it 
on  table  r.  hand  side,  and  exits  l.  u.  e. ) 

Lady  F.  Here  comes  the  tea-cake.  (Miss  P.  moves 
■up  c.    Raddles  goes  up  to  table  at  back) 

Miss  P.     The  tea  is  not  there,  is  it,  Mr.  Raddles? 

Rad.     My  view  of  the  matter  is — 

Miss  P.  (interrupting  him  looking  at  table.  Cross- 
ing toicards  balustrade  w.  c.)  I  see  it  isn't,  (goes  to  r. 
c.  Then  looking  doxcn  over  balustrade  into  the  grounds 
off  R.  2  E.)  There's  that  dreadful  Lady  Duncan,  (comes 
•c.  Raddles  waves  his  hand  to  Lady  D.  o/f  r.)  I  really 
think  our  dear  liostess  lias  gone  a  step  too  far  in  having 
lier  liere.     (coming  hack  to  C.) 

Mrs.  H.  (seated  R.  c.)  It's  a  mercy  Jim  Greaves  is 
awav;   won't  it  be  a  shock  to  him  when  he  returns? 

Miss  P.     (r.  c.  l.  of  Mrs.  H.)     If  I  hadn't  made  all 


6  BILLY-S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

my  arrangements  to  stay  for  ten  days,  I  should  posi- 
tively decline  to  meet  her. 

Lady  F.  {rising  and  coming  r.  c.,  looking  from  one 
to  the  other  in  bewilderment)  Good  gracious!  Fm 
quite  in  the  dark.  What  are  you  all  talking  about? 
(Raddles  doion  l.  c.  ) 

Mks.  H.  You  don't  mean  to  say  you  never  heard  of 
our  host's  affair  with  Lady  Duncan? 

Miss  P.  (c.  a  little— softly)  And  the  little  flat  in 
Victoria  Street? 

Lady  F.     O,  hush! 

Rad.  (coming  doicn  c.)  My  view  of  the  story  is. 
tliis— (Mrs.  Hekring  checks  7//s  disclosure  icitJi  a  ges- 
ture) 

Mrs.  H.  Least  said  soonest  mended,  Mr.  Raddles. 
(Raddles  scowls)  The  story  is  perfectly  true,  but  we 
don't  believe  it,  of  course. 

Lady  F.  (distressed)  Oh,  don't  let's  discuss — (goes 
to  bench  l.  and  sits) 

Mrs.  H.  (a  little  peevishly)  Nonsense!  If  we  don't 
discuss  it  thoroughly,  what  right  have  we  to  disbelieve 
it? 

Mlss  p.  (gently,  as  if  reproving  Lady  F.)  Silence 
wouldn't  be  fair  to  Lady  Duncan. 

Mrs.  H.  Mind  you,  I've  heard  it  wasn't  her  first  in- 
discretion. 

Miss  P.  (c.  dreamily)  She  was  always  a  popular 
woman.     (Raddles  chuckles  and  goes  to  settee  l. ) 

Lady  F.     Oh,  how  did  such  a  dreadful  story  leak  out? 

Mrs.  H.  (leaning  back  arid  folding  her  arms  over 
herself)  It  overflowed.  (Raddles  sits  suddenly)  It 
didn't  stop  to  leak.  (Miss  P.  crosses  to  l.,  points  at 
Lady  Roop,  ^cho  is  beginning  to  doze  again)  Mary  got 
hold  of  it  first — wake  up,  Mary.  (Miss  P.  props  INIary. 
Raddles  motions  Lady  R.  to  teaks  )  Her  housekeeper 
was  sister-in-law  to  the  man  who,  at  that  time,  was 
valeting  Jim.  This  fellow  left  Jim's  service  to  get  mar- 
ried, and  had  little  talks  with  his  wife  about  his  last 
master's  doings.  His  wife  in  her  turn  had  little  talks, 
with  her  sister,  Mary's  present  housekeeper — wake  up, 
Mary!  (RxDD'LEri  motions  L.\dy  R.  again)  Mary's  pres- 
ent housekeeper,  I  suppose,  had  little  talks  with  Mary, 
because  Mary  had  a  little  talk  with  me,  and  if  only 
somebody  had  whispered  a  third  of  one  of  those  little 
talks  to  Jane — 

(Max  Servant  enters  icith  tea  urn,  places  it  on  tabl& 
and  exits.) 


BILLYS  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  7 

well,  my  Lady  Duncan  wouldn't  be  out  there  this  mo- 
ment chatting  on  Jane's  lawn.     ^ 

Miss  P.  Hush!  She's  coming — and  tea's  up.  (goes 
to  back  of  table  c.  General  move  to  tables  and  chairs  at 
back.  ,J^ADY  R.  from  clown  r.  tip  to  i:.  of  table.  L.\dy  F. 
to  front  of  table.     Mrs.  Herring  r.  of  it) 

Mrs.  H.  (lifting  lid  of  china  dish)  They're  always. 
very  sparing  with  the  tea-cake. 

Rad.     The  view  I  take  Is —     (beloio  Mrs.  H.  l.  c.) 

Mrs.  H.  {handing  him  a  plate)  Bread  and  butter. 
{he  subsides  and  they  all  devote  themselves  to  the  meal 
(it  back,  and  the  front  part  of  the  terrace  is  quite  clear 
as  Lady  Dunx'an  comes  up  from  the  garden  by  the  step 
B.  2  E.  071  to  the  terrace.  Lady  D.  is  a  petite,  golden- 
haired  tvoman  loith  a  very  soft  voice  and  caressing  man- 
ner.) 

Miss  P.  {serving  tea  on  platform  up  c,  sweetly) 
You're  just  in  time  for  tea,  Lady  Duncan.  (Rad:)Les 
goes  to  chair  e.  c.  and  moves  it  forward  as  if  asking 
her  to   sit) 

Lady  D.  {crossing  to  l.  c.)  I  timed  it  accurately. 
(Raddles  has  fussed  about  and  offered  her  arm-chair 
E.  c,  motions  chair  down  r.)  Down  there,  please — just 
in  the  shade,  {sits)  One  more  cushion,  {looking  up  at 
him.  He  gets  it  K.)  dear  man.  {lie  gets  cwiJiiun  from 
chair  r.  c.  for  her  feet)     So  many  thanks. 

Mrs.  H.     Wheels. 

Mi.ss  P.  {at  back  looking  over  balustrade  to  l.  h.^ 
she  listens)  The  dog-cart.  Our  host  has  come  home. 
{then  she  turns  and  smiles  quietly  to  the  others)  I 
think  we  expect  developments. 

Mrs.  H.     {excitedly)     Jim  back  again! 

Lady  R.  More  copy  if  I  can  keep  awake.  (Ji:,i  heard 
inside  house  l.  h.) 

Ji.M.  Take  'em  up  to  my  room.  That's  all  right. 
(Raddle.s  goes  up  to  table  quickly  and  gets  tea — it  is^ 
given  him  by  Lady  R.  He  comes  down  a  little  to  note 
meeting  of  Jim  and  Lady  D.  At  the  sound  of  his  voice, 
Lady  D.  lifts  her  eyehroivs  in  surjyrise  and  smiles;  the 
Old  Ladies  icatch  her  covertly) 

Lady  D.     That's  dear  Mr.  Greaves'  voice,  I'm  sure. 

(Jim  Grea\'es,  a  handsome  but  someiohat  iceak-looking 
young  man  enters  from  house.) 

We  haven't  met  for  quite  an  age.     (Jim  stands  thunder- 
struck at  seeing  her) 

Jim.     {071  platform  l.)     You! 

Lady    D.     {siceetly)     How     do     you*  do,     dear     Mr. 


.■8  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

■Greaves?  (dnving  1]iis  ^Ac  Ladies  and  Eatdles  have 
their  tea  cups  to  their  lips  as  if  about  to  drink  and  are 
tvatching  the  scene  over  them.  On  Jim's  first  "  cake  " 
■the  cups  come  down  on  the  saucer  iciih  a  bang  and  the 
Ladies  get  their  heads  together) 

Jim.  How  de  do?  What  the  aeuce?  Eh— what?  I 
•say,  you  know — 

Lady  D.     You're  just  in  time  to  hand  me  some  cake. 

Jim.  (feebly)  Cake?  {cups  clash  and  the  heads  of 
■the  Old  Ladies  come  together  over  table.  Exclamations 
from  Ladies.  He  backs  towards  table  and  the  Old 
Ladies  greet  him  cordially.  Raddles  takes  cake  doivn) 
Is  there  any  cake?  (L.adies  and  Rad.  greet  him,  "How 
d'ye  do?  etc."  He  takes  cake  down  to  Lady  D.)  Here 
you  are. 

Lady  D.  It  doesn't  matter.  I  don't  really  want  it. 
Jim  dear,  you've  aged.  Only  these  few  months — or  is  it 
years — married — but  you've  aged. 

Jim.     I  say,  this  isn't  cricket,  you  know. 

Lady  D.  You  don't  look  really  glad  to  see  me.  (Miss 
P.  se)ids  Rad.  for  the  cake) 

Jim.  i^cith  a  burst)  Look  here,  you  can't  stay  here 
— my  wife's  a  jolly  good  sort  and  all  that — and — and — 
I  say,  you  shouldn't  have  come,  by  gad!  you  shouldn't. 
Oh,  damn  these  women!  (Raddles  comes  down  quietly 
and  takes  the  cake  dish  from  him  and  up  again  to  table 
witli  it)     Oh,  certainly. 

Lady  D.  Jim  dear,  you  were  always  lacking  in  a 
•sense  of  humour. 

Jim.     How  did  you  get  here? 

Lady  D.  Your  dear  wife — what  a  unique  old  lady, 
Jim — worked  with  me  for  a  most  deserving  charity  and 
we  were  mutually  drawn  to  each  other.  I  think  she's  so 
charming — you  lucky  man! 

Jim.     Look  here — what's  your  game? 

Lady  D.     Cards  on  the  table,  Jim? 

Jim.     Yes. 

Lady  D.  Mr.  Munkittrick  is  staying  here,  and  he 
really  doesn't  know  how  to  manage  his  millions. 

Jim.     You're  not — 

Lady  D.     I  am  going  to  marry  Mr.  Munkittrick. 

Jim.     AVhen? 

Lady  D.  Oh,  I  haven't  settled  that  yet.  The  dear 
man  is  quite  unaware  of  my  decision.     (Miss  P.  moves  R.) 

Jim.  (feebly)  Not  a  shred  of  decency— 'pon  my 
soul,  not  a  shred. 

Lady  D.  It's  delicious  to  shock  you,  Jim;  for  an  Im- 
moral young  man,  you  have  the  strangest  reverence  for 
the  conventional. 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  9» 

Miss  P.  (at  r.  end  of  balustrade  on  platform  off 
K.  2  E.  Over  balustrade  looking  below)  Aren't  you  com- 
ing to  tea,  Miss  Marr?     (Jim  moves  up  c.) 

Billy,  (heard  from  below  off  w.  2  e.)  No,  just  go- 
ing bade  to  play  the  third  set.  I've  beaten  him  twice. 
(Jim  7»ores  up  a  little  at  the  sound  of  Billy's  voice,, 
looking  off  r.  ) 

Miss  P.  Such  energy  must  affect  your  complexion. 
(Billy  laughs) 

Lady  D.  Miss  Marr.  Oh,  dear  me,  how  I  dislilce  that. 
young  woman. 

Jim.  (coming  doicn  again  l.  of  Lady  D.)  Billy? 
Why? 

Lady  D.  Because,  unless  somebody  interferes,  she- 
has  every  prospect  of  marrying  the  sort  of  man  I  should 
have  married  ages  ago. 

Jim.     Who's  that? 

Lady  D.  Jack  Frere.  I  really  must  see  that  he 
doesn't  throw  himself  away  on  Miss  Wilhelmina  Marr. 
Wilhelmina,  the  very  name  would  lessen  a  husband's, 
self-respect.  I'm  almost  tempted  to  make  love  to  him 
myself.     (Miss  P.  crosses  to  table) 

Jim.  You  ain't  likely  to  catch  Jack,  if  he's  really  im 
love  with  Billy. 

Lady  D.  (looking  closely  at  Jim)  Someone  else  I 
know  was  in  love  with  Billy — and  yet  I — 

Jim.  Oh,  I  always  was  a  fool.  What  came  off  with 
me  wouldn't  come  off  with  him.  He  has  got  leanin's- 
towards  the  church  and  a  moral  or  two. 

Lady  D.  Has  he,  still? — at  his  age?  I  wonder  why! 
Anyhow  he's  much  too  good  for  Miss  Wilhelmina  Marr.. 

Jim.  (quickly)  He  isn't  a  bit.  He's  a  thundering 
good  fellow  is  Jack,  but  so's  Billy,  and  it's  a  jolly  good- 
thing  for  her  that  you  played  the  game  you  did  with 
me,  otherwise  she'd  have  been  married  to  me  by  now,, 
and  nice  thing  that  would  have  been  for  a  brick  of  a 
girl  like  Billy.  Don't  you  interfere  there— you  marry 
old  Munkittrick's  millions — 

Lady  D.     As  you  did  Jane's. 

Jim.  Look  here,  ye  know,  my  wife's  a  jolly  good 
sort — don't  you  go  calling  her  by  her  Christian  name. 

Lady  D.     (sweetly)      She  insists  on   it. 

Jim.  Not  a  shred,  you  know.  Damned  if  you've  got 
a  shred,     (moves  aivay  to  l.) 

Lady  D.  (rises  and  follows  him  to  c.  He  stops  on 
hearing  Jiis  name)  Jimmy,  vou  were  ohvays  a  sport.suiaii.  I 
bet  you  a  level  fiver  that  Mr.  Jack  Frere  does  not  marrjr 
Miss  Wilhelmina  Marr! 

Jim.    You  be  careful — Billy's  my  cousin. 


10  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  xVFFAIR. 

Lady  D.  Appalling  thought — don't  be  alarmed.  I'll 
make  her  my  dearest  friend. 

{Enter  Max  Skrvant  from  drawing-room  l.  ii.  through 
ivindoiv  to  steps,  he  sees  Ji.m  Greave,s.  Seeing  that  he 
is  talking  to  Lauy  D.  he  stops  confused.  Lady  D. 
sees  him.) 

1  think  your  man  wants  to  speak  to  you.     (goes  up  c. 
to  table) 

Jim.     (l.  c.  crossing  to  him)     Well? 

Max  Servaxt.  {top  of  steps  l. )  I  can't  get  your 
tilings,  sir. 

Jim.      {at  foot  of  steps  l.)     What  d'ye  mean? 

Servaxt.  Mrs.  Greaves  hid  locked  the  door  of  your 
room,  sir. 

Jim.     What!     Where  is  Mrs.  Greaves? 

Servaxt.     Inside  the  room    sir. 

Jim.  Damn!  (he  bolts  off  through  drawing-room, 
-the  Max  Servaxt  folloicing  respectfully.  A  general  ris- 
ing at  the  table  at  back.  Lady  D.  doivn  c.  Mrs.  H. 
dow7i  R.  Lady  R.  doicn  r.  c.  Miss  P.  doion  h.  c.  Rad. 
lip  L.  c.     Lady  F.  dou-a  l.  ) 

Mrs.  H.  One  gets  so  chilly  after  food.  It's  the  blood 
— has  to  go  to  the  inside  to  help  digestion,  I've  heard. 

Rad.  {sitting  down  at  table  c,  in  seat  vacated  by 
Lady  F.)  My  view  of  the  matter  is —  (Mr.  Muxkit- 
TRiCK  heard  ccdling  from  the  grounds  off  R.  2  E.  below 
terrace) 

Muxk.  {off  R.)  Is  Lady  Duncan  with  you,  Mrs. 
Herring? 

Mrs.   H.     {from  r.   c.   talking  over  balustrade  off  r. 

2  )     Yes.     (Miss  P.  to  c.  uith  Lady  F.) 

Lady  D.  {crossing  to  r.  on  terrace)  Dear  Mr.  Mun- 
kittrick,  I'm  so  sorry,  but  I  couldn't  have  got  through 
the  afternoon  without  my  cup  of  tea.  {on  platform  b. 
c.) 

Lady  R.  {doicn  c.  l.  of  arm-chair  R.  c.)  You  didn't 
have  any. 

Lady  D.  {shaking  her  finger  smilingly  at  Lady  R.) 
Ah — there  speaks  the  journalist — always  observant. 
I'm  coming,  Mr.  Munkittrick,  I'm  coming,  {she  goes 
down  steps  to  join  Muxk.  off  r.  2  e.  Lady  R.  sits  in 
chair  n.  c.  and  sleeps) 

Miss  P.  (l.  c.  coming  doxon  languidly  with  Lady  F.) 
Oh,  yes,  Billy  Marr's  a  dear,  sweet  girl,  and  of  course 
none  of  us  ever  believe  a  word  we  say  against  her,  but 
you  do  think  she's  heart  whole  now? 

Lady  F.     (l.  c.)     T  do. 


BILLYS  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  H 

Mrs.  H.  (k.  c.  coming  to  c.)  I  don't.  (Rad.  listens 
to  this  fo7'  a  moment  and  then  seats  himself  up  l.  settee) 
There's  that  young  man  wlio  is  going  into  tlie  cliurch. 

Miss  P.     Mr.  Frere!     (c.) 

Lady'F.     (l.  c.)     Jack  Frere? 

Mrs,  H.  (r.  C.)  Jack  Frere?  I  quite  s.vmpatliise 
with  her.  I  always  feel  a  litle  soft  myself  towards 
young  men  with  broad  shoulders  and  twinkling  eyes — 
who — who — think  of  going  into  the  church. 

Sekvant.  {off  L.  H.)  Beg  pardon,  ma'am,  I  think — 
(Lady  F.  moves  doion  to  bench  l.    All  turn  l. ) 

Mrs.  G  {off  L.  H.)  I  tell  you  she  is  there!  She  is! 
(Lauy  R.  ivakes  tcith  a  start.  Voices  raised  excitedly 
heard) 

Mrs.  H.     What's  up? 

■{Enter  Mrs.  Greaves.    Jane  first  on  to  platform  l.    Ser- 
vant in  doorway.) 

Lady  R.     It's  Jane.     (Mrs.  Herring  c.) 

Jane,  {on  steps  l.  pointing  off  R.  to  servant)  There 
.she  is  out  on  the  lawn  with  ]Mr.  Munkittrick.  Be  quick  ! 
{servant  crosses  front  of  Jane  and  off  R.  2.  Mrs. 
Greaves  was  the  loidow  of  a  prosperous  alderman  and 
looks  it.  Her  manner  is  excitable,  and  she  is  someiohat 
inclined  to  he  emhonpoint.  She  speaks  very  abruptly. 
Mrs.  H.  moves  a  little  to  l.  c.  On  steps  of  house— com^ 
ing  down)  Sorry  to  leave  you  good  people  so  long, 
but  I've  been  busy,   {crossing  to  r.) 

Mrs.  H.     {crosses  to  l.  c.)     What  at? 

Jane.  (c.  marching  up  and  doun  terrace  c.  in  a  con- 
dition of  subdued  excitement,  turning  c)     Ferreting. 

Rad.     Ferreting! 

Mrs.  H.     Jane! 

Miss  P.    What! 

Lady  F.     What! 

Lady  R.  My!  (Rad.  rises,  crosses  to  her,  the  others 
following  a  little) 

Jane.  Oh,  don't  fuss  and  get  exclamatory.  I've  found 
out  another  of  his  little  piccadillys.     {crosses  to  r.) 

Miss  P.  {crossing  to  c.  then  up  to  back  of  chair  c, 
quietly  correcting  her)  Peccadilloes,  Jane.  Peccadil- 
loes.    (Rad.  laughs  and  sits  up  l. ) 

Jane,  (r.)  Same  thing,  {crosses  to  l.  c.)  I'm  on 
the  war-path,  {she  stops  in  front  of  Lady  R,  ivho  has 
again  dropped  into  a  doze)  Wake  up,  Mary!  (Mrs.  G. 
shakes  Lady  R.) 

Mrs.  H.  (l.  ii.)  Gracious,  Jane,  what  have  you 
found  out? 

Jane,     (c.)     Oh,  nothing  fresh  to  you.    You  all  found 


12  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

it  out  long  ago  doubtless,  (they  all  protest  except  Ladt 
R.  who  is  asleep.  Then  turning  fiercely  to  Lady  R.) 
"Wake  up,  Mary.  (Mk^  F.  irakes  uj)  Lady  R.,  wlio  7caves 
her  hands  about  in  a  feeble  dazed  xvay,  recalling  her 
senses,  c.  (juing  to  Jier  and  speuking  icitli  great  finn- 
ness)  Mary,  I  have  found  out — accidentally  I  sincerely 
hope,  from  my  maid  (Rad.  is  very  interested  in  this) 
Avhat  your  housekeeper  heard  from  your  brother-in-law, 
my  husband's  late  valet,  about  a  flat  in  Victoria  Street. 

OiixEs.     {apparently  astonished)     Eh? 

Jane,  {turning  l.,  hurling  a  scornful  glance  at  them 
all)  Oh,  I  don't  hesitate  to  discuss  it  before  y(ju  all, 
my  dearest  friends.  You've  already  discussed  it  "thread- 
bare among  yourselves. 

QjixEs.     No,  no,  I  assure  you. 

Jane,  {folding  her  arms  with  a  snort)  Well,  all 
right,  not  threadbare.  Such  a  theme  could  never  get 
threadbare  in  the  hands  of  one's  friends. 

Lady  R.  {having  partially  collected  herself,  protests 
feebly)     But,  I  do  assure  you — 

Jane,  {snapping  round  on  her)  Don't  assure  me, 
because  I  know  you  know  all  about  it,  you  know.  Out 
with  it,  IVfary 

Lady  R.  Really,  Jane,  I'm  just  awaked  from  dozing, 
and  I  positively  cannot  recollect  to  what  you  refer. 

Mrs.  H.  (l.  c,  very  blandly)  None  of  us  know  to 
Avliat  you  refer. 

Jane,  {snorts  and  again  looks  round  defiantly  at 
them  all)  Which  of  you  Ivnows  the  woman's  name? 
Do  vou  ';:'     (to  all  of  tJiem  in  turn) 

Lady  R.     {1st)     No! 

Miss  P.     {2d)     No! 

Rad.     (3d)     No! 

Mrs.  H.     {4th)     No! 

Lady  F.     {5th)     No!      {quite  high  and  loud) 

Jane.  Ha!  Honour  among  thieves  !  {they  all  protect 
^'Oh,  Jane,  realty'')  I  don't  mean  that — at  least,  not 
while  you're  guests  of  mine.  But  you  do  know  and  you 
won't  tell  me.  Very  well — I  daresay  you're  perfectly 
right,     {goes  doicn) 

Mrs.  H.     Have  you? 

Jane,  {turning  on  her  quickly)  Yes,  I  have.  I've 
cut  off  his  allowance — every  shilling  of  it.  {crosses  to 
L.  and  goes  tip  on  steps  l.  ) 

Lady  R.  {to  Miss  P.  tcho  is  beiow  her — i7i  great  dis- 
may) Oh  how  ivill  he  dress  at  dinner?  (Jane  moves 
toicards  the  house  l.  h.) 

Mrs.  H.  (l.  c,  giving  xvay  and  getting  to  l.  c.) 
Where  are  you  going? 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  13 

Jane,  {on  platform  L.  Half  icay  up  the  steps  on  her 
u'Ciy  to  drauniig-room)  I'm  going  to  limit  through  his 
papers.    Flats  must  leave  something  behind  'em. 

Mks.  H.  (going  toicards  her  a  little — aghast)  But, 
my  dear-- — your  husband's  papers — 

Jane,  [on  steps  fiercely)  I  will.  I've  got  'em  all  out 
of  his  room.    I  pay  the  piper  and  I'll  call  my  own  tune. 

(Man  Servant  enters  from  garden  R.  2  e.  Mrs.  Greaves 
turns  quickly  toicards  him.  As  she  speaks  all  look  at 
servant,  then  turn  to  her  after  his  answer.) 

Did  you  ask  Lady  Duncan  to  come  to  my  room? 

Man  Servant,  {on  platform  k.  h. )  Yes,  ma'am. 
She'll  be  with  you  in  a  moment.  (Servant  crosses 
round  at  back,  on  platform  and  off  l.  u.  e. ) 

All  the  Ladies,     {gasp  out)     Lady  Duncan! 

Jane.  Yes,  why  not?  She's  a  woman  of  the  world — 
keeps  her  eyes  open.  She  used  to  see  a  good  deal  of 
Jim  at  that  time.  She  may  give  me  some  clue  as  to 
whom  the  hussy  was. 

Mrs.  H.     [fulls in  chair  l.)     Oh,  Jane,  Jane! 

Lady  F.     Mrs.  Greaves! 

Lady  R.     Oh!     (Miss  P.     hiughs.     Rad.     chuckles) 

Jane,  {turns  to  go)  What's  the  matter  with  you 
all?  I  tell  you  I'm  going  to  prove  this  little  affair  once 
for  all.  I'll  find  out  that  woman's  name  or  mine's  not 
Jane  Greaves,     {she  goes  excitedly  into  house  l.  h.) 

Mrs.  H.  {crossing  to  r.  c.  )  Well — did  you  ever 
hear — 

Lady  R.  {in  arm-chair  R.  c.  with  a  shrill  chuckle) 
Sent  for  the  woman  herself!  (Raddles  silently  chuck- 
ling all  through  this,  rises  and  goes  up  c,  sits  at  table 
and  eats  cake,  as  Lady  D.  enters) 

Mrs.  H.  (r.  c,  greatly  disappointed)  She'll  never 
learn  anything  now. 

Miss  P.  (r.  of  chair  r.  c.  equally  disappointed)  Oh, 
doesn't  it  seem  a  pity. 

Lady  R.  {very  cheerfully)  Oh,  what  a  flare  up 
there'll  be  if  it  all  comes  out. 

Mrs.  H.  {sadly)  It  won't.  Lady  D.'s  as  cute  as  a 
waggon  load  of  monkeys,  and  thanks  to  Jane's  stupid- 
ity, she's  forewarned  fore-armed.  (Mi.ss  P.  to  above 
chair) 

{Enter  r.  2  e.  Lady  Duncan  on  to  terrace,  folloiced  by 
Munkittrick,  expostulating.  Lady  D.  crosses  to  c. 
front  of  Ladies,  Munk.  folloioing.  The  three  Ladies 
at  R.  c.  observing) 

MuNK.  After  I've  been  hunting  for  you  all  over  the 
place. 


14  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

Lady  D.  I'm  so  sorry,  Mr.  Munkittrick — but  when 
cne's  hostess  demands  one's  counsels  and  advice  one 
must  obey,  (the  L.vuies  have  their  heads  together  till 
Lady  D.  is  off) 

MuNK.  {loith  a  cluinsij  attempt  at  gallantry)  I'll 
■wait,  {turns  to  the  three  Ladies  e.  c.  Talks  to  Lady 
U.  first,  then  Miis.  H.,  then  Miss  P.  Lady  D,  runs  vp 
steps  into  drairing-room,  meeting  Jim.  TJie  expression 
on  Jiisface  startles  her.     JiM  enters  L.) 

Jim.  (in  doorway  in  a  great  state  of  agitation) 
Something's  up.  My  wife's  been  locked  up  in  my  room 
for  hours. 

Lady  D.  {reassuring)  It's  all  right,  {crossing  in 
front  of  Jim.  Turning  back)  She's  going  to  confide  in 
me!      {exit  l.  h.  into  house) 

Jim.  (perfectly  aghast)  Not  a  shred  of  decency, 
upon  my —  (he  disappears  quickly  after  her  into  the 
house.  MuNK.  Joins  Rad.  up  c,  Rad.  slioics  lii)ii 
photi))  , 

MuNK.  Ha!  ha!     Old  Jasper  Philpots.     (sits) 

Mrs.  H.  (r.  c.)  Mary,  didn't  you  write  a  very  cur- 
ious little  paragraph  about  a  certain  thing  that  hap- 
pened to  a  certain  lady — not  unconnected  with  Sir 
Jasper  Philpots? 

Lady  R.  (seated  r.  c.)  Oh,  it  was  merely  a  sugges- 
tion. I  knew  none  of  the  facts,  but  I  knew  all  my 
friends  would  read  between  the  lines. 

Miss  P.  (standing  hack  of  chair  k.  c.)  Ah,  I  knew 
what  you  meant  in  a  moment. 

Lady  R.  {sadly)  Ah,  I  didn't  till  long  after- 
wards. 

{Enter  Jack  Frere  cheerfully  from  draiving -room  l.  h. 
He  stands  on  the  steps  and  looks  round  smiling  at  the 
party  beloio  him.) 

Jack.  (l.  ii.)  If  you  can  assure  me  that  you're  not 
talking  scandal,  I'll  trust  myself  amongst  you  for  some 
tea.  (Miss  P.  to  stone  bench.  On  word  '•scandal''  the 
ladies  separate,  heads  up) 

Mrs.  H.  My  dear  Mr.  Frere,  nobody  ever  talks  scan- 
dal nowadays—  (going  up  r.  c.)  but  Mr.  Raddles  has 
finished  the  tea  cake.  (Jack  comes ^  doion  laughing. 
Lady  R.  rises  and  goes  dotni  to  arm-chair  R.  H.) 

Rad.  (c.  at  table  up  c.)  My  view  of  the  matter— 
(Jack  ignores  him) 

Jack.  (l.  c.  crossing  to  c.)  Anybody  seen  Miss 
Marr? 

Miss  P.     (doivn  K.  c,  up  a  Utile  R.  c,  points  off  r.) 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  15 

She's  down  there  with  Captain  Becher.  (Jack  crosses 
to  R.  Mu.NK.  joi7is  Mrs.  H.  and  they  go  n.  a  little.  Miss 
P.  joins  Rad.  and  then  crosses  doicn  to  R.  to  Muxk.  ) 

Jack,  (crossing  to  balustrade  R. )  So  she  is.  {calls 
to  her)    "I  say,  have  you  had  your  tea,  Miss  Marr? 

Billy,     (from  the  garden  below  r.  2.)     I'm  coming. 

Jack.  Coine  and  sit  beside  nie — and  protect  me  from 
Mrs.  Herring — she's  going  to  break  out  into  scandal 
again.     Even  Munliittricli  is  looking  nervous. 

MuNK.  (K.  C.  ponipoushj)  I  must  confess  I  like  a  bit  of 
scandal. 

Miss  P.  (r.  c.)     If  it's  piquant. 

Jack,  (up  at  tea  table  l.  of  it)  And  appetising. 
(Rad.  crosses  above  table.  Billy  enters  followed  by 
Captain  Becher.  Jack  gets  some  tea.  Billy  sits  in 
arm-cliair  R.  c.)  Tills  is  no  place  for  us,  Miss  Marr,  but 
if  we  want  tea — 

Billy,  (seated  r.  c,  looking  up  at  him  as  she  takes 
the  cup)     We  must  grin  and  bear  it.     (Mu.xk.  laughs) 

Jack,  (bringing  doicn  chair  from  up  r.  c.)  I  won- 
der could  I  reclaim  you  all  if  I  stood  up  on  this  chair 
and  poured  out  burning  words?  (Munk.  crosses  to  plat- 
form  R.  mccfing  Captain  Becher  and  Raddles  iclto  goes 
up.     They  talk) 

L.\DY  R.  (seated  doicn  e.)  Your  views  cf  life  are 
very  serious,  Mr.  Frere. 

Jack.  (c.  with  mock  gravity)  Very — very  serious. 
(Miss  P.  rises) 

Mrs.  H.  (l.  c.)  I've  heard  of  your  being  seen  with 
a  lot  of  little  children  on  the  sands  digging  with  a 
bucket  and  a  spade.     (Miss  P.  comes  down) 

Jack,  (c.)  Bar  digging  with  the  bucket,  the  report 
is  substantially  correct. 

Billy,     (r.  c.)     I  wish  I'd  been  with  you. 

Jack,      (c,  l.  of  Billy)     I  wish  to  goodness  you  had. 

Miss  P.  (up  c,  loatching  them  a  little  spitefully, 
sniffs)  It  may  be  so  arranged  next  time,  (there  is  a 
distant  rumble  of  thunder  and  the  sky  begins  to  cloud 
over.    All  turn  towards  back  cloth) 

Mrs.  H.  Thunder!  (moving  on  to  steps  l.  All  the 
Old  Ladies  rise,  xvith  ejaculations,  and  prepare  to  go 
into  house.     Lady  F.  first,  then  Mrs.  Herring) 

Lady  R.  {rising)  Thunder !  Tliat's  what's  made  me 
so  dozy,  {moves  across  to  l.  She  hurriedly  gathers 
1  er  hice  shawl  about  Iter)  1  must  really  go  and  write 
my  little  column  "  "What  we  overbear " 

Mrs.  H.  (on  steps  into  house.  Interrupting  firmly) 
When    we    over-sleep.      Come    along,    Mary — ycu're    not 


IG  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

popular,     {exit  into  house  and  off  l.  followed  hy  Ladt 
E.) 

Miss  P.     Aren't  you  coming  in,  Rliss  IMarr? 

Billy,  {rising,  going  r.)  No.  I  don't  tliink  it  -will  be- 
miu-h.  (Billy  is  noio  returning  her  cup  to  Jack,  icho- 
takes  it  to  table  up  c.    Miss  P.  goes  up  on  steps) 

Rad.  {to  Miss  P.)  My  view  of  the  matter  is — • 
(IMiss  P.  makes  a  movement  of  impatience  and  goes  into- 
house) 

MtxK.  {interrupting  Rad.)  Play  you  billiards, 
Becher.  {going  up  steps.  As  Muxk.  speaks  Rad.  turns. 
on  him  furious.  Mu>'k.  seeing  he  has  interrupted  him 
begs  Itis  pardon  in  pantomivie) 

IBechek.  {stopping  l.  c.  To  Billy  and  speaking  ner- 
vously) You  won't  forget  your  promise,  will  you.  Miss. 
Marr? 

Billy,     {on  platform  r.  c.  vaguely)     Promise? 

Becher.  (a  little  embarrassed)  After  your  letters 
are  written,  you  know.  {lights  begin  to  work  up- 
sloxcly) 

Billy,  {quicldy.  trifJi  a  smile)  Of  course,  I  won't. 
Captain  Becher.  (Becher  nods  delighted,  and  folloios 
MvxK.  into  drawing  room  l.  h.  and  off  l. ) 

Jack.  (c.  after  a  pause,  looking  at  sky)  You're  quite 
right,  it's  not  going  to  be  much.  {Pause.  She  looks 
over  terrace  balustrade  n.  then  Jack  says,  looking  ivith 
a  smile  at  Billy)  I'm  very  glad  they're  gone,  aren't 
you?     {down  l.  c.) 

BiLLY'.     Why  are  you?     {turning  toivards  him) 

Jack.  I'm  always  expecting  'em  to  make  my  blood 
boil.  Fancy  old  Lady  Roop  being  the  authoress  of  that 
scurrilous  column  of  lies. 

Billy.  She  sleeps  so  much — she  must  get  paid  for 
her  dreams,  or  she'd  starve. 

•  Jack.     My  goodness,  if  you  had  only  heard  'eiu  yes- 
terday. 

Billy.     And  before  you  too! 

Jack.     Very  disgraceful,  wasn't  it? 

Billy.     Almost  a  clergyman. 

Jack.  I'm  not  almost  a  clergyman,  but  I  will  b3 
some  da}-,  (to  Iter  a  little)  Y^ou  don't  take  me  seii- 
ously  enough.  Whenever  I  tell  you  the  sort  of  life  I've 
mapped  out  for  myself,  you  turn  up  your  nose  and 
sniff.  (Billy'  seats  herself  in  arm-chair  k.  c.  facing 
Jack.) 

Billy,  {putting  doicn  racquet)  Let's  go  over  the 
principal  points  and  attractions  of  your  future  life 
again.     Little    country    church,    little    country   garden;, 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR,  17 

you  with  a  large  book  in  one  liand  and  a  little  garden 
hose  in  tlie  other,  being  religious  and  domestic. 

Jack.  No — no.  Not  domestic — oh,  no.  I'm  never 
.going  to  marry,  'gains<"  my  principles  for  clergymen  to 
juarry.    Xsits  c.) 

Billy.     Yes,  so  you  told  me  the  first  time  we  met. 

Jack.  So  I  did.  I  thinli  I  only  just  got  hold  of  that 
principle  then. 

Billy.  And  I  thought  it  was  so  sweet  of  you.  It 
made  matters  so  much  simpler  tor  us  poor  weak  women. 

Jack,     {pulls  up  chair)     Did  it? 

Billy.  Of  course.  We  all  knew  exactly  where  we 
were  as  regards  you  at  once. 

Jack,  {jmlls  up  chair — thoughtfully)  Yes,  I  sup- 
pose you  did.  It's  a  safeguard  to  have  definite  prin- 
■ciples. 

Billy,     (demurclij)     It  must  be. 

Jack.  Now  that's  one  of  the  great  advantages  of 
heing  a  poor  man — if  one  had  money — there — there 
Tvouldn't  be  the  smallest  necessity  to  have  beautiful 
principles  like  that. 

Billy,  {gravely)  Ah,  it  must  be  a  terrible  loss  to 
be  rich. 

Jack,     {acquiesces  with  a  solemn  nod)     Ah,   indeed. 

Billy.     Look  at  Mr.  Munkittrick. 

Jack,  {rises,  goes  l.)  Oh,  don't  talk  to  me  about 
that  man;   I  cannot  stand  him. 

Billy.     He's  very  much  in  love,  poor  dear. 

Jack.     Who  with? 

Billy.     Lady  Duncan. 

Jack,     {scornfully)     Not  he. 

Billy.     He  is,  really. 

Jack,  (going  to  her  again)  He  can't  be.  He  was 
discussing' her  in  the  smoking  room  in  a  very  casual 
way,  last  night. 

Billy,  {sitting  up  amazed)  He  was!  Oh,  the — 
the —     {words  fail  her) 

Jack.     Cad — that's  just  what  I  said  to  myself. 

Billy,  {with  great  conviction)  Oh,  if  any  man  pre- 
tending to  love  me  discussed  me  with  his  men  friends, 
I'd  never  speak  to  him  again. 

Jack,  {over  t)ack  of  chair)  Oh  yes,  you  would  if 
you  loved  him. 

Billy,  (rrri/  vchemcnily  and  firmly)  I  wouldn't — I 
wouldn't.    Nothing  would  induce  me  to. 

Jack.  No  man  who  really  loved  a  woman  would 
allow  for  a  moment  that  anything  she  did  could  admit 
of  discussion. 

B:lly.     {quickly)     I'm  sure  cf  that! 
2 


IS  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

Jack.     Least  of  all  in  the  smoking  room. 

Billy,  {rises  and  goes  to  R.  on  platform)  Well^ 
yovrii  see  lie"ll  many  lier  anyliow.  [site  goes  up  to  ivall 
and  looks  over  the  distant  country) 

Jack.  {sta7ids  ^catching  her)  I  often  wonder  wiia 
you'll  marry.  (Billy  doesn't  turn  towards  him,  still 
stands  gazing  into  the  distance) 

Billy.     Do  you? 

Jack,  {goes  toicards  her  e.  beloio  chc.irs.  nods  then- 
says  softly)     I  wonder  would  you  do  me  a  great  favour. 

Billy,  {turns  to  liim,  smiling  gently  on  Itim)  I  wonder. 
What  is  it  ? 

Jack,  {quite  near  her — 2cith  a  little  touch  of  senti- 
ment)    It  would  make  me  very  happy. 

Billy,  {impulsively,  coming  nearer  to  him)  I  will,, 
of  course. 

Jack.  Be — be — be — married  iu  my  church,  when 
I've  got  one. 

Billy,  {sniffs,  looks  up  at  hijn,  and  turns  away  loith 
dignity)  Certainly,  I  will,  {goes  doicn  R.  below  plat- 
form) 

Jack,  {following  her)  I  shall  be  very  lonely  in  it 
all  by  myself. 

Billy,  (k.  takes  tip  racquet)  There  might  be  a  con- 
gregation. 

Jack.  (r.  c.  sadly)  Oh,  yes,  there  might  be — but 
I'm  pessimistic.  I  remember  writing  a  sermon  once, 
and  when  I  read  it  aloud  to  myself,  I  was  quite  sorry 
I  was  present,  {looking  off  e.  2  e.)  Here  comes  Harry 
the  misogynist. 

Billy.  I  don't  believe  such  a  thing  exists,  {crossing 
to  L.  he  follows,  moves  toicards  clraicing-room) 

Jack.     (c.  looking  after  her)     Going? 

Billy,     {stopping  l.  c.  near  steps)     Yes. 

Jack,  {pleadingly)  Come  back  soon — and — and — 
do  me  another  favour — tl-ink  of  the  awful  loneliness  of 
my  future. 

Billy,  {turns  to  him)  What  shall  I  do  when  I  come- 
back? 

Jack,  {to  her)  Let  me  talk  to  you  quite — quite- 
seriously  for  ten  minutes. 

Billy.     All  right,     {moves  to  l. ) 

Jack.  (l.  c.)  And  promise  me  solemnly  that  all 
during  that  ten  minutes  you  won't  fidget  or — sniff — or 
turn  up  your  wicked  little  nose. 

Billy,     {on  steps)     I  promise,     {np  to  door) 

Jack,  {sighs  and  looks  at  her  tenderly)  Will  you. 
do  me  another  favour? 

Billy,     {in  doorway)     Perhaps. 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  10 

Jack.  I've  got  three  sisters  at  home,  and  I  haven't 
got  one  here.  I  do  niiss  theiu  so.  ^Vill  you  be  a  sisster 
to  me,  in — in  private?     {coming  to  foot  of  steps) 

Billy,  (leaning  forward  from  top  of  steps)  A — a — • 
half  sister  I'll  be — in  private. 

Jack.  Thank  yuu,  Billj-  {lie  gives  a  little  gasp  as 
he  gets  it  out) 

Billy.  Don't  mention  it — Jack,  (starts  to  go  again. 
She  too  gets  out  the  Christian  name  loith  a  little  gasp) 

Jack,  (xoith  a  burst)  Do  you  know  if  it  wasn't  for 
you,  I  should  lose  sight  of  all  my  principles. 

Billy,  (in  ivindoio,  quickly  loith  meaning.  Lean- 
ing across  pillar)     Would  you — allf 

Jack,     (at  foot  of  steps)     I  v/ould. 

Billy.     Even  the  one  about  not  marrying? 

Jack.     Even  that  one. 

Billy,  (tossing  her  head)  I  must  be  a  plain  little 
cat.  (exit  into  house.  She  goes  out  as  Sir  Haury 
comes  up  the  steps  the  other  side  r.  2  e. ) 

Jack.  (l.  c.  looking  after  her)  What  does  she  mean 
by  that? 

Sir  H.  (on  platform  r.)  It's  a  jolly  good  thing  for 
you,  Master  Jack,  that  your  visit  is  drawing  to  a  close 
and  that  you  sink  back  into  a  country  mouse  again — 
(coming  to  b.  c.)  these  surroundings  aren't  healthy 
for  a  young  man  who  wants  to  preserve  his  illusions 
by  becoming  a  parson. 

Jack,  (coming  to  c.  icith  a  little  laugh)  I'm  learn- 
ing what  to  avoid. 

Sir  H.  (coming  foricard  R.  c.)  Then  you're  a  slow 
learner.  Why,  you're  always  at  the  skirts  of  some 
woman  or  other. 

Jack.  I'm  not.  I  hardly  speak  a  word  to  any  of  'em, 
except — Lady  Duncan — and — and — 

Sir  H.  Mrs.  Herring,  and  Lady  Roop  and  Miss  Marr 
and  three  or  four  of  the  others.  That  was  Miss  Marr 
went  in  there,  wasn't  it  ? 

Jack.     Yes. 

Sir  H.  (seating  himself  arm-chair  r.  c.)  She's  a 
nice  girl. 

Jack,     (enthusiastically)     She  is! 

Sir  H.     (seated  r.  c.)   She's  been  engaged  four  times. 

Jack.     (c. )     Has  she? 

Sir  H.  Is  that  because  she's  a  nice  girl  or  becauss 
she  isn't? 

Jack.     Because  she's  a  nice  girl  of  course. 

Sir  H.     Ah,  that  point  admits  of  argument. 

Jack,  (to  chair  r.  c.)  You're  a  pig-headed,  caustic, 
soured  old  bachelor. 


20  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

Sir  H.     Well,  don't  crow,  you  never  mean  to  marry. 

Jack.  I  don't,  but  that  doesn't  blind  me  to  the  fact 
that  the  fairest  and  most  beautiful  thing  on  God's  earth 
is  a  young  woman — 

Sir  H.     Who  has  been  engaged  four  times? 

Jack.  (enthusiasticany)  That's  not  her  fault. 
That's  the  youth  on  her.  That's  not  vice.  That's  the 
voice  of  the  spring,  old  man;  that's  the  young  blue  eyes 
turning  heavenward  to  seek  its  mate — and — 

Sir  H.  {scornfully)  Young  blue  eyes — Christopher! 
Of  all  the  ridiculous  similes  that  ever  I  heard — I  quite 
understand  why  your  people  selected  the  church  for  you. 

(Max    Servaxt    enters,    comes    clown   steps    crosses    to 
Jack  on  cue.) 

Jack,  (a  little  (leached)  Yes,  that  wasn't  a  very  good 
one,  was  it?  But  you're  a  wet  blanket,  Harry."  You 
must  allow  she's —  (i-ises.  Footmnn  Jutncls  telegram  to 
Jack)  For  me?  {He  takes  it,  reads  it  once,  twice,  then 
gives  a  gasp  and  puts  liis  hands  through  his  hair  and 
,stares  at  it.  A  jjause.  He  turns  to  Sir.  II.  Footman 
exits  at  once,  c.  )  Read  that!  {sits  in  chair  facing 
Harry) 

Sir  H.  {reads  it  and  gives  a  long  whistle)  He's 
ver}'  old,  isn't  he  ? 

Jack.     Awfully  old. 

Sir  H.  {looking  at  him  solemnly)  By  Gad!  You'll 
be  a  baronet  with  £10,000  a  year —  {rises  returning  tel- 
egram) And  as  a  matter  of  principle  you  sacrifice  all 
the  happiness  you  might  get  out  of  it  to"  lead  the  placid 
life  of  an  unmarried  country  parson,  {takes  his  hands) 
It's  noble  of  you — 'pon  my  w^ord  it  is.  {he  starts  off 
doicn  terrace  steps  r.  2  e. ) 

Jack,  {rises,  stands  glaring  at  the  telegram,  then  he 
suddenly  shouts  after  Sir  Harry)     Come  back! 

Sir  H.     (r.  c.  returning)     Well? 

Jack,  {very  gravely)  I  don't  think  a  man  who  is  a 
baronet  and  has  £10,000  a  year  has  any  right  to  have  any 
principles  at  all.     Do  you? 

(Billy  enters   in  drcncing-room  and  looks  for   hook   in 
eahincf.) 

Sir  H.     {equaly  grave)     P'raps  you're  right. 

Jack,  (c.)  Principles  belong  to  the  poor.  Why 
should  the  rich  man  have  everything — it  seems  selfish. 

Sir  H.  {looking  off  into  drairing-room)  There's  Miss 
IMarr.  I'm  off — talk  it  over  with  her.  {iipon  x>latforni 
going  R.) 


I 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  21 

Jack,  (quickly)  Certainly  not.  My  thoughts  on  the 
■subject  are  not  sufficiently  mature. 

Sir  H.  She  could  help  you  to  mature  'em.  {exit 
down  steps  k.  2  e.  ) 

Jack.^' That's  not  a  bad  idea,  {puts  telegram  in  his 
2)ocket,  goes  np  toicards  draiciiKj-roviii.  side  icindow  ciitcl 
calls)     Miss  INIarr — 

Billy,     {from  room)    Yes? 

Jack.     Who's  in  the  drawing  room? 

Billy,  {coming  to  side  ivindow)  Only  me.  {leaning 
cut) 

Jack,  {chcinglng  liis  tone  to  one  of  great  tenderness 
on  finding  they  re  alone)  Oh,  Billy,  come  out.  {doicii 
stage  to  foot  of  steps) 

Billy.     I  can't  come  out  now.    I'm  busy. 

Jack,  (below  icindoic)  I  don't  care.  (then  icith 
great  delight,  almost  aice  as  he  looks  up  at  her  and 
whispers)     Oh,  Billy,  you  are  a — 

Billy,  (dooricay.  Smiling  doicn  at  liim  from  top  of 
steps)     A  what? 

J.\CK.  (below  steps)  A — a — just  a  dear — that's  all; 
do  come  out  here — it's — it's  cool  and  lonely. 

Billy.  I  can't.  Captain  Becher — is  at  the  present  mo- 
ment waiting  to  play  me  billards  in  tiie  billard  room. 

Jack,     (smiling  up  at  her)     I  don't  care! 

Billy.  And  Mr.  Durrant  is  waiting  under  the  copper 
beacii  on  the  lawn  to  show  me  how  to  mend  punctures. 

Jack.     I  don't  care. 

Billy.     And  Lady  Duncan  has  offered — 

Jack.     I   don't  care. 

Billy.  You  don't  seem  to  care  for  anybody,  do  you? 
(a  pause,  she  looks  at  him  archly) 

Jack,  (solemnly — hacking  away)  Ah,  it  didn't 
come  off  that  time,  did  it?  (she  sniffs,  c.  Still  looking 
vp  at  her)  You're  not  keeping  your  promise,  you  know. 
You  promised  me  ten  minutes  serious  talk — and  that 
during  those  ten  minutes,  you  would  neither  fidget,  sniff 
or  turn  up  your  silly  little  nose.  We've  not  been  here  a 
minute  and  a  half  and  yet  you've  done  all  three. 

Billy,  (coming  down  steps  haughtily)  The  nose  is 
])liysical;  the  fidgeting  is  constitutional  and  the  snitf 
slipped  out.     (down  l.  front  of  stone  bench) 

Jack.     Is  that  an  apology — or  an  admission? 

Billy.  Both.  (sits)  Shall  we  begin  the  serious 
conversation,  (he  comes  to  sit  alongside  her,  sees  there 
is  no  room;  she  sees  ichat  is  the  matter  and  makes 
room  for  him) 

Jack,  (as  if  going  to  commence  a  long  dissertation) 
1  told  you  I  was  going  into  the  church. 


22  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

Billy.    Yes. 

Jack.  I  told  you  that  I  regarded  the  step  as  a  vi- 
tally serious  one. 

Billy.     Yes. 

Jack.  I  told  you  that  I  had  rigid  ideas  on  the  sub- 
ject of  young  men  who  go  into  the  church. 

Billy.     Yes. 

Jack.  The  great  one  being  that  they  shouldn't  marry. 
{slie  sniffs— a  pause— he  looks  anxiously  at  her)  Yoa 
sniffed. 

Billy,     {apologetically)      It  slipped  out. 

Jack,  Then  hold  your  breath  till  I've  done,  it  puts, 
me  off.  I  told  you  I  had  all  these  definite  and  rigid 
ideas. 

Billy,     {demurely)     Yes. 

Jack.     I  told  you  all  this  ten  days  ago. 

Billy.  Yes.  And  you've  kept  on  repeating  it  up  till 
ten  minutes  ago. 

Jack.  Yes,  that's  because  I  always  like  to  remember 
■what  my  views  are. 

Billy.     I  understand. 

Jack.  Well,  I'm  having  this  chat  with  you— tliis  .seri- 
ous chat  witli  vou  now  to  tell  you—  (jxnf.sf)  To  tell 
you— I've  got  all  these  principles  still,  {a  pause — he 
again  looks  at  her  anxiously)     Did  you  sniff? 

Billy,      {hotly)     No. 

Jack,  (a  little  disappointed)  Oh!  (a  pause)  You 
might  have  sniffed  then,  I'd  have  passed  it  over  that 
time. 

Billy.     The  ten  minutes  must  be  up. 

Jack.  Not  at  all.  There  are  seven  minutes  more,  {a 
pause) 

Billy,     {resignedly)     Well? 

Jack.  Well,  I've  got  those  principles  still— but  I  be- 
gin to  wonder  if  I've  any  right  to  them,  {takes  tele- 
gram from  his  pocket,  look's  at  it) 

Billy.     Oh  dear! 

Jack,  Influenza — is  a  good  deal  more  serious  than  it 
sounds,  {pause — they  look  at  each  other — he  is  stand- 
in'i  c,  .s7/e  seated  L.)     Ever  hear  of  my  uncle  Joseph  ■:" 

Billy,     {indifferently)     I  may  have. 

Jack.  Sir  Joseph  Frere,  Baronet,  of  Frere  Courts 
Hampshire. 

r.iLLY.     {as  if  diiJi/  impressed— bowing)     Oh.  I  have. 

Jack.  He  had  cut  all  the  respectable  members  of  his 
family  for  years. 

Billy,     {ivith  increased  indifference)     Oh! 

Jack.     I  include  myself. 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  23 

Billy.     Oh! 

Jack,  {telegram  in  hand  all  the  time)  He  has  got. 
the  influenza. 

BiLL>\     Oh! 

Jack'.'  I  am  his  nearest  relative. 

Billy.     Oh! 

Jack.  {sJoicly)  Influenza  often  leads  to  complica- 
tions unless  one  is  careful. 

Billy.     Oh! 

Jack,  {coining  a  little  Clearer  to  her  and  speaking 
very  solemnly)  Uncle  Joseph — from  what  I  have  heard 
— I  can't  speak  from  personal  knowledge  because  I 
never  met  him — Uncle  Joseph  is  never  careful. 

Billy.  Oh!  (Jack  sits.  Pause.  He  is  looking- 
straight  at  her,  pointing  to  telegram) 

Jack.     And  he  has  got  the  influenza. 

Billy,     {slowly)     Well? 

Jack.  I  told  you,  I  still  tell  you  I  have  very  definite 
and  rigid  ideas  about  life,  but  it's  obvious  that  influenza 
followed  by  complications  may  upset  the  most  definite 
and  rigid  ideas  of  life. 

Billy,     {edging  up  to  him  icith  a  little  laugh)     Ah! 

J.\CK.  I  only  mention  it  because  I  thought  it  would 
he  a  relief  to  you  to  know  that  my  case  is  not  quite  sO' 
hopeless  as— as — we  have  allowed  ourselves  to  believe — 

Billy.  OIi !  (away  from  him  again.  A  2^<^^i'se)  Is- 
the  ten  minutes  up? 

Jack.  Is  they?  They  is  not.  Turn  your  nose  down. 
{rises  and  goes  to  icindow  and  back.  A  long  pause  and 
he  blurts  out)     Billy,  will  you  marry  me? 

Billy,  {pause  to  recover  her  breath.  Looks  quickly 
vj)  at  him,  then  ri.'ies  witli  a  great  assumptiun  of  dig- 
nity)     No,  thank  you. 

Jack,  {rising,  puts  telegram  in  pocket — greatly 
taken  aback)     You  won't  marry  me? 

Billy,  {crosses  to  it.  above  chairs,  haughtily)  Cer- 
tainly not. 

Jack.     But — but — ch,  you  can't  mean  that? 

Billy,  {upon  terrace — icith  a  light  laugh)  Can't  I? 
I  can. 

Jack,  {folloicing  to  c,  but  greatly  distressed)  But 
you  must  have  a  reason? 

Billy.     I  have  many. 

Jack.     (c.  )     Tell  me  one. 

Billy,  {turning  fiercely  to  him)  One  is,  I  never 
was  proposed  to  in  such  a  casual  way  before —  {down 
o'f  terrace  to  R  )     it's  most  riumanlv. 

""Jack.     (c.   completely   taken  aback)      Unmanly!    Cas- 
ual!     {then  very  earnestly — goes  to  her)     Oh,   if  yoa 


■24:  BILLY  S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

only  knew  how  I  feel  inside  about  it,  you  wouldn't  call 
it  casual — it  was  shyness  that  made  me  put  it  like  that. 
Oh,  Billy— 1 — I'm — I'm  awfullv  ia  earnest,  dear — do — 
do — say  you'll  marry  me. 

Billy,     (r.  shortly — turning  her  hack  on  him)     No! 

Jack.  (r.  c.)  But  what's  to  become  of  us  both  if 
you  don't? 

Billy,  (r.  her  l)ack  to  him)  You  will,  I  hop?,  go 
into  the  church  and  remain  single — while  I  will  marry 
a  man  who  takes  life  seriously. 

Jack.  (R.  c.)  I  do  take  life  seriously— awfully  seri- 
ouslv.  (softly)  Oh,  Billy,  think  again.  Y'ou  wouldn't 
drive  me  back  to  my  first  principles,  would  you?  You'd 
never  sleep  at  night — if  you  sent  me  away  to  some 
lonely  pari.sli  to  preacli  ;  you'd  say  :  '•  There's  that  poor 
fellow  out  there  preaching  to  people,  breaking  his  heart 
and  cracking  his  voice  all  because  I  was  a  wicked  little 
.girl.  Because,  though  I  loved  him  all  the  time,  I 
wouldn't  have  him.  I  sent  him  away  because  he  was 
poor."     (he  goes  c.) 

Billy,  (turning  on  him  quickly)  I  didn't.  Jack — 
Iiow  dare  you  say  that?     It's  unkind — 

Jack.  Oh,  Billy — the — the  influenza  is  in  the  air — 
influenza  and  complications — don't  send  me  away  from 
jGu  like  this. 

Billy,  (going  towards  him  c.  Breaking  into  a 
smile)  You  don't  keep  serious  long,  Jack,  (icitlt  a  glad 
iaugli  he  catches  her  hands  in  his) 

Jack.  Not  to-day— to-day  isn't  a  serious  day,  is  it 
•dear? 

BiLLV.     Jack,  you  mustn't  call  me  dear. 

Jack.  Can't  help  it— you  are  a  dear— just  a  dear — 
aren't  you  a  dear,  dear? 

Billy.  A  great  many  people  have  tried  to  convince 
me  that  I  am. 

Jack,     (ruefully)     Yes,  that's  the  worst  of  it. 

Billy,  (snatching  her  hands  aivay  atid  backing  from 
Jiim  li.)     What  do  you  mean  by  that? 

Jack.  You  told  me  three  days  ago  that  you  thought 
you  were  a  flirt. 

Billy.  Yes,  I  am  a  flirt — you  wouldn't  have  fallen 
in  love  with  me  if  I  hadn't  been. 

Jack.     Yes,  I  should. 

BiLLY'.  (moving  away  toicards  arm-chair  R.  c.)  No, 
you  wouldn't.  If  I  weren't  a  flirt,  I  shouldn't  always  be 
so  sweet  and  lovable,  and  it's  only  niv  being  always 
sweet  and  lovable  that  makes  people  fall  in  love  with, 
me. 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  2.?- 

Jack.  How  many  peop'e  have  fallen  in  love  with 
you? 

Billy,  (sitting  on  arm  of  chair)  Oh,  heaps  and 
heaps— There  was  Mrs.  Brigstead,  the  bishop's  wife^ 
Old  Miss— 

Jack.    I  don't  count  the  females. 

Billy.  And  I  don't  count  the  males,  so  we'll  change- 
the  subject. 

Jack.     Have  you  ever  been  engaged? 

Billy,  (a  dismayed  gulp  of  alarm)  Er— well— 
(she  sits  in  chair) 

Jack,  {moves  doivn  l.  and  then  comes  back  to  licr) 
I  won't  press  it.     Have  you  ever  been  in  love? 

Billy,     {alowli/)     Only  once,  and  then  only  nearly. 

Jack,     {quickly,  to  her)     Who  was  he? 

Billy,     {rising  —  half-  lavgh  —  half  -  serious  —  tnrninrj 
from  him  doicn  r.  c.  a  little)     He's  the  only  one  I  won't, 
tell  you  about. 

Jack.     Then  he's  the  only  one  I  want  to  hear  about. 

Billy.  That's  just  like  a  man,  always  trying  to  make 
trouble.  Shall  I  tell  you  of  some  of  the  others?  Some 
of  my  really  most  thrilling  flirtations.  There  was  Gen- 
eral Whitefield— he  was  a  sweet — I  tell  you. 

Jack.     No,  tell  me  about  this  other  chap. 

Billy.  No — that's  too  serious  to  rake  up —  {cross- 
ing sloicly  to  L.)     That's  my  romance. 

Jack,     {quickly)     Billy! 

Billy,     (checking   him)      You're  very   inquisitive. 

Jack.     I  have  a  right  to  be. 

Billy.     What  right? 

Jack.     I  love  you. 

Billy,  (getting  rather  sentimental  over  her  recol- 
lections)    He  used  to  say  that. 

Jack,     (eagerly)     Did  he  love  you? 

Billy,  (sitting  on  arm  of  stone  bench  l.  ii.)  No,  I 
don't  think  he  did. 

Jack.     Are  you  sure? 

Billy,  (interrupting — softly)  No,  not  quite  sure — 
but  sometimes  we  were  very  happy,  very — very  luipiy. 
You  see  we  were  very  young. 

Jack.     What  was  the  fellow's  name? 

Billy,  (tvho  is  really  quite  sentimental  noiv)  I 
made  up  a  pet  name  for  him. 

Jack,  (a  little  (nmoyed)  Oh,  indeed— I  suppo.se  l;o- 
did  the  same  for  you. 

Billy.  Yes.  (pensively)  He  used  to  call  me  Wang,, 
so  I  used  to  call  him  Toodles. 

Jack,  (moving  R.  a  little)  It  was  a  brilliant  rep- 
artee ! 


•2G  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

Billy,  {gravely— contemplating  space— her  thoughts 
far  aicay  in  the  past)  Was  it?  Looking  back  on  it  it 
seems  rather  ridiculous  to  call  a  real  grown  man  "  Tood- 
les  "  in  cold  blood— it— seemed  different  then  somehow. 

Jack,  {coming  c.  getting  icorried)  Are  you  serious? 
Really  serious? 

Billy.  Yes— Jack— quite— I'd  have  married  Toodles 
then,  and  I  should  have  regretted  it  all  my  life. 

Jack.     Why  would  you  have  regretted  it? 

Billy.  Because,  Jack —  (a  pause — she  rises,  looks 
at  him  then  tcith  a  little  choke  she  holds  out  her  hands 
io  him  and  ivhispers  softly)     Oh,  Jack,  you  know. 

Jack.  Billy!  {icith  a  glad  cry  he  catches  her  im- 
pulsively in  his  arms  and  kisses  her.  A  long  pause — she 
remains  happily  ichere  she  is — his  arms  round  her — 
her  head  on  his  shoulder — then  he  whispers  very  ten- 
<lerly)     You  won't  regret  marrying  me,  will  you  Billy? 

Billy,     {ichispers  it  to  him)     Never,  Jack. 

Jack.     Never,  never,  never,  Billy? 

Billy.  Never,  never,  never.  Jack,  {he  kisses  her 
ienderly) 

Jack.  And  you'll  never,  never  flirt  with  anybody  any 
more? 

Billy,      {fervently)     Never. 

Jack.  {puttiiKj  her  at  arm's-lengili  and  holding  her 
.hands)     Swear. 

Billy.  I  swear,  {then  with  a  sudden  recollection 
she  backs  aioay  from  him  a  little  dismayed)  Oh,  Jack, 
the  Fancy  Ball  is  on  Saturday. 

Jack,      {anxiously)     Yes. 

Billy.  P'raps  it  would  be  safer  if  I  didn't  go.  I 
might  break  my  swear. 

Jack.     Billy! 

Billy,  {pleadingly)  Oh,  Jack,  think  of  it.  {coming 
■toicards  him  a  step)     The  Fancy  Ball,  Jack. 

Jack,      (a  little  icorried)     Yes,  I  realise  that. 

Billy,  {going  quickly  to  him  and  patting  her  hand 
on  Jiis  arm)  Jack,  promise  me  one  thing— word  of 
honour  as  you  love  me.  Keep  our  engagement  a  dead 
secret  till  Sunday,  and  we'll  pretend  we're  not  engaged 
till  the  Ball  is  over,  and — you  can  ask-  me  to  marry 
while  we're  sitting  out  the  last  extra  and  I'll  say  yes — 
and  then  we'll  be  engaged  and  that's  four  days  off  and 
in  those  days  we  can —     {backing  away  from  him) 

Jack,  {breaking  in  very  cheerfully)  Both  finish  off 
any  little  affairs  we  may  have  on  hand. 

Billy,     (taken  aback)     Oli.  Jack,  you  haven't  got  any — 

Jack,     {triumphantly)     Yes  I  have,  I've  got  three. 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  27 

Billy,  (looking  at  Mm  in  surprise)  Oh  Jack,  I've 
only  got  two.  (then  coaxingly)  I  must  finish  them  off 
— it's  no  good  letting  them  run  on,  is  it? 

Jack.  And  it's  quite  impossible  to  finish  them  off  be- 
fore the  Fancy  Bali— beside  that  %vill  make  siicli  a  pic- 
turesque finale.  Captain  Becher  melts  into  tears  during 
the  barn  dance,  and  the  other  little  man  hopped  out  of 
his  happiness  during  a  polka.     What  a  triumph. 

Billy,  (looking  up  at  hiiu)  A  bargain,  Jack,  (cx- 
tending  her  hands  to  him) 

Jack.     A  bargain. 

Billy,  (icith  a  little  sigh  of  contentment)  I'm  so 
glad,  it's  such  a  pity  not  to  finish  things  one  has  begun 
so  well. 

Jack,  (after  a  pause  during  ichich  he  looks  at  her 
with  almost  breatliless  delight  and  admiration)  Oh, 
Billy,  what  a — what  a —     (he  stops  short) 

Billy.     What  a  what — 

Jack.  What  a  witch  you  are^  (then  he  catches  her 
to  him  again  and  l)rcaks  into  a  laugh  of  pure  happiness) 
Billy,  Billy,  I  haven't  a  principle  left.  I  could  hold  you 
ill  mj-  arms  like  this  for  ever  and  dream  and  dream  and 
dreain.  Oh,  my  sweetheart,  think  of  it.  You  and  I  all 
our  lives  together,  one  forever  and  forever — 

(Enter  Captain  Becher,  through  drau-ing-room  to  u-iu- 
doiv,  folloioed  by  Lady  Du>X'an. 

Hullo,  Becher  !  (J  ack  breaks  from  her  befori^BKCurn  sees 
their  attitude) 

Billy,  (icith  an  air  of  great  contrition  going  toward 
^vindoio)  Oh,  Captain  Becher,  I'm  so  sorry,  but  I've 
been  so  awfully  busy,  (to  Jack)  Excuse  me,  (goes 
over  to  foot  of  stej^s)  I  said  ten  minutes,  didn't  I,  just 
to  give  you  time  to  brush  the  table,  chalk  my  cue  and 
collect  yourself. 

Capt.  B.  It's  all  right.  I've  done  all  that.  Have  you 
finished  your  letters? 

Billy,     (puzzled)     Letters! 

Capt.  B.     You  said  you  wanted  to  catch  the  mail. 

Billy,  (quickly)  Oh,  yes,  thanks.  I've  caught  him. 
(e.ril  Becher.  She  throtcs  a  laughing  glance  at  Jack, 
^oho  kisses  his  hand  to  her  unseen  by  Beciiek.  She  goes 
out  smiling  into  house  l.  Lady  D.  comes  to  window. 
Jack  sees  her.  says  very  cheerily) 

Jack.     Hullo,  Lady  Duncan,     (on  steps) 

Lady  D.  (in  icindoic,  looking  at  him  in  amazement) 
My  dear  Mr.  Frere,  what  lias  liap])ened? 

Jack.     (l>acking  aicay  l.  c. — surprised)     Eh! 


2S  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

Lady  D.     You  look  fearfully — distressingly  radiant. 

Jack,     {icith  a  laugh)     I  am  radiant. 

Lady  D.  Do  give  me  your  prescription,  (coming 
doun  from  u-indoic  and  doicn  steps) 

Jack.     There  isn't  one. 

Lady  D.  (crossing  to  arm-chair  k.  c.)  There  must 
he.  What  has  happened  to  you?  {sits  in  arm-chair  is. 
c.) 

Jack.  Oh,  Lord,  I  should  love  to  tell  you.  I  should  love 
to  tell  everybody. 

Lady  D.  Oh,  do  be  content  with  me — tell  everybody 
and  nobody  wants  to  hear.  Tell  nie — if — if — if  it's  a 
real  secret,     {sits  in  arm-chair) 

Jack,  {back  of  his  chair  c.)  And  everybody  hears 
whether  they  want  to  or  not — I  beg  pardon,  I  don't 
mean  that. 

Lady  D.     I  should  hope  not. 

Jack,  {hnrsting  to  tell)  I — I  {then  suddenly,  sits 
facing  her — taking  out  telegram)  Uncle  Josepli's  got 
the  influenza. 

Lady  D.  {with  an  assuvqytion  of  the  intensest  inter- 
est)    Really. 

Jack.     Yes —     (a  pause)     With  complications. 

Lady  D.     {sympathetically)     Poor  dear. 

Jack.  Not  at  all,  he's  got  other  things  besides. 
Twelve  thousand  pounds,  a  baronetcy,  a  place  in  Hamp- 
shire. I'm  his  only  heir.  I've  never  met  him,  don't 
care  a — for  him — so  I — Oh,  I  don't  wish  the  poor  old 
boy  any  harm,  but  he's  eighty  odd,  I'm  thirty  odd,  and 
my  word !  I — I'm  sure  I  hope  it'll  turn  out  for  the  best 
for  him,  don't  you  ? 

Lady  D.     Most  heartily. 

Jack.  (slniking  Jier  u-armly  hij  the  hand)  Tiiank 
you.    I  knew  you  would,  you  always  were  a  good  sort. 

Lady  D.  Jack.  I — I  call  j'ou  Jack — because — well — 
Jack  suits  you  and  everybody  calls  you  Jack,  and — I've- 
known  you  quite  long  enough. 

Jack.     One  week. 

Lady  D.  And  am  quite  old  enough  to  do  the  same  as 
everybody  else  does. 

Jack.  Certainly — call  me  Jack.  Look  liere,  I've  a 
jolly  good  mind  to  tell  you  something,  {he  looks  round 
to  viake  sure  they  are  quite  alone)  Swear  you'll  not 
mention  it.     {draics  chair  nearer) 

Lady  D.     Of  course  I  won't 

Jack.  "Well — don't  you  see  !  If  Uncle  Joseph  should 
by  any  chance — well  if  he  were  to — j'Ou  understand.  I 
should  be  in  a  very  different  position  from  that  I'm  ia 
now.     And  of  course — it  was  no  use  thinking  of  getting: 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR,  29 

married  on  my  present  income.  Falling  in  love  one 
can't  help —  (Jui  enters)  we  mustn't  be  blamed  for 
that,  must  we? 

(Jim  Gkeaves  enters  from  windoio  of  house  l.  h.  and 
shows  both  surprise  and  displeasure  on  seeing  the 
tico  talking  so  earnestly.) 

Jim.     {on  platform  l.)     Hullo! 

Jack,     {turning  in  his  seat)     Hullo! 

Jim.  (looking  from  one  to  the  other  suspiciously). 
You  two  seem  very  chatty. 

Lady  D.  (laughing  up  at  Jim)  Mr.  Greaves,  don't 
forget  you  owe  me  five  pounds. 

Jiji.     What! 

Lady  D.  {pointedly)  Our  bet — now  do  go  away. 
I'm  listening  to  Mr.  Frere. 

Jim.  (after  a  quick  look  at  Lady  D.)  Jack,  can  you 
tell  me  where  Billy  is,  Miss  Marr  I  mean? 

Jack.     Yes — she's  in  the  billiard   room  with  Becher. 

Jim.  You've  not  won,  Lady  Duncan.  The  race  isn"t 
run  yet.     {he  goes  into  the  house  and  off  l.) 

Lady  D.  (putting  her  hand  on  Jack's  arm  says 
softly)     Oh,  Jack,  that  was  cruel  of  you! 

Jack.     What  d'ye  mean? 

Lady  D.  In  the  same  breath  that  you  say  people 
aren't  to  be  blamed  for  falling  in  love,  you  tell  Mr. 
Greaves  that  Billy  is  in  the  billiard  room  with  Captain 
Beecher. 

Jack,     (surprised)     Well? 

Lady  D.  You  should  not  have  told  him  that.  You 
really  have  no  tact. 

Jack.     What  d'ye  mean? 

Lady  D.  (lifting  her  eychroics  and  shrugging  her 
shoulders)  My  dear  Jack,  you  know  perfectly  well  that 
Billy  and  Jim  Greaves,  in  the  old  days  before  he  fell 
a  victim  to  our  poor  dear  Jane's  banking  account  were — 
(slie  stojis  as  if  loatJi  to  speaJc) 

Jack,     (looking  at  her  fixedly)     Were  what? 

Lady  D.     (icith  much  meaning)     Cousins! 

Jack.     And  are  still! 

Lady  D.  (loith  a  long  sigh  and  a  shake  of  the  head) 
I'm  afraid  from  what  I  hear  they  are. 

Jack.     Lady  Duncan  ! 

Lady  D.  (agai^i  lightly  touching  his  arm)  No,  no. 
You  and  I  mustn't  talk  scandal,  let's  leave  that  to  our 
elders. 

Jack.     I — look  liere.  Ladv  Duncan. 

Lady  D.     No,  no,  I'm  sorry  I  said  that — do  let's  talk 


30  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

of  something  else.  I've  just  had  a  most  distressing 
interview  with  his  wife  on  the  very  subject. 

Jack.     What  subject? 

Lady  D.  {as  if  very  much  distressed)  Oh  my  dear 
Jack,  Jane  lias  been  so  foolish — she's  been  rummaging 
in  desks  that  don't  belong  to  her — found  all  sorts  of  old 
letters — why  do  you  men  keep  letters? 

Jack.     What  letters? 

Lady  D.     Letters  from  Miss  Marr  to  her  husband. 

Jack.     To  Jim? 

Lady  D.  Thank  goodness  for  all  concerned,  poor  dear 
Jane  hasn't  the  remotest  notion  who  wrote  them — they 
are  signed  with  a  nickname,  and,  really  can't  help  smil- 
ing wlien  one  thinks  how  indiscreet  young  people  are, 
one  of  these  delightfully  naive  letters  is  distressingly 
conclusive. 

Jack.     Don't  talk  rubbish,     {turns  away  from  her) 

Lady  D.  My  dear  Jack — do  not  please  look  so  melo- 
dramatic. Such  things  do  occur,  you  know — and  I 
really  think  everyone  takes  them  far  too  seriously. 

J.vcK.  (rising — bursting  into  a  laugh)  Great  Scot- 
land, what  are  you  women  made  of?  {rising,  and  doicn 
L.  c.) 

Lady  D.     I  don't  understand. 

Jack.  (l.  c.)  To  pretend  to  believe  such  rot  about 
a  girl  like  Billy. 

Lady  D.  (rising  and  foUoicing  him)  My  dear  Jack 
— when  a  human  being  falls  in  love  with  another  human 
being  the  laws  and  customs  of  the  world  count  for  very 
little.     Billy  Marr  is  a  delightful  little  girl,  but— 

Jack,  {'turning  to  her — shortly)  Miss  Marr  has 
promised  to  be  my  wife. 

Lady  D.  (making  a  quick  movement  from  him) 
Jack!  !  !  (a  long  pause,  during  which  they  stare  at  each 
other — tJicn  she  continues  in  a,  low,  constrained  tone) 
And  you  allowed  nie  to  teU  you  all  this!  How  could 
you!     (crosses  down  r.)         c-.  ' 

Jack,  (goes  up  l.  and  then  down  again)  How  could 
I  !  I  like  that !  llow  could  I  help  it — don't  worry.  Lady 
Duncan.  I  know  Billy  and  I  know.  too.  that  tlie  man 
she  marries  has  every  right  to  be  the  proudest  man  in 
the  world. 

Lady  D.  (sloicly  and  in  a  low  voice)  Jack,  what  can 
I  say — I'm  more  grieved  than  I  can  tell  you.  I  merely 
repeated  what  I've  just  learned  from  Jane — those  letters. 

Jack,  (scornfully,  crossing  to  Lady  D.)  Letters — 
do  you  really  suppose  for  one  minute  she  wrote  them? 
(up  L.  and  down  o^ain) 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  31 

Lady  D.  (quick!!/)  No,  I  don't  suppose  she  did. 
(viecting  him  c.)  Oh,  Jack,  if  Jane  should  try  to  take 
you  into  her  confidence  and  show  them  to  you— don't  let 
iier.  Oh;  it's  so  difficult  to  explain  what  I  mean— but 
keep  out  of  it.  Oh,  I  shall  never  forgive  myself  and  I 
knt)w  you  can  never  forgive  me — you  the  last  man  irt 
the  world  who  should  have  heard  "of  this,  {crossing  to 
K.  and  sitting  in  aj-m-chair  down  R.) 

Jack.  Pardon  me,  (crossing  to  her)  the  first  man 
to  hear  of  it.  Poor  old  Billy — What  a  shame!  {then  al- 
most fiercely  turning  to  her)  You  don't  mean  to  tell 
me  that  Mrs.  Greaves — 

Lady  D.  Mrs.  Greaves  knows  nothing— she's  got  the 
letters,  hut  the  signature  conveys  nothing  and  she 
doesn't  recognise  the  writing! 

Jack.  "Well — what  the —  {then  suddenly  grasping 
the  situation)  Oh,  I  see,  what  you  mean — you  think 
■you  do  recognise  the  writing. 

Lady  D.  {icith  an  assumi'Aon  of  great  distress)  I^o, 
J;ick.  no,  reallv  I  don't. 

Jack.  You 'must  have  or  you  v/ouldn't  have  said  all 
you  said  just  now.     (Jack  walks  quicJdy  up  and  doivn) 

Lady  D.  I — well — I  thought  I  did,  but  I  see  now  how 
wrong  I  was.  Oh  Jack,  don't  think  of  tliis  again — 
please  don't  let  Jane  consult  you  on  the  matter.  Oh,  I 
shall  never  forgive  myself  for  my  stupidity. 

Jack,  {coming  to  c. )  You  didn't  mention  to  Mrs. 
Greaves  the  fact  that  you  thought  you  recognised  the 
writing. 

Lady  D.  (rising  and  coming  to  Jack)  Oh,  Jack,  how 
could  you  suppose  I  should  be  so  mean  as  to  give  the 
poor  child  awav  !  Of  course  no  person,  man  or  woman, 
who  knows  Billy  could  think  for  a  moment  there  was 
one  word  of  truth  in  this.  And,  Jack,  I  promise  you 
I'll  do  my  best  to  persuade  Jane  to  go  no  further  into 
the  matter. 

Jack.     Eh? 

Lady  D.  (looking  at  him  tvith  tenderness — sighs) 
Ah  !  you'll  never  know — you'd  never  realise  if  you  did 
know' how  deeply  sorry  I  am  to  have  said  to  you  of  all 
people  what  I  inadvertently  said  just  now.  Is  it  too 
much  to  ask  you  to  shake  hands  and  forgive  me?  (pat- 
ting out  her  hand  to  him) 

Jack,  (shaking  hands  coldly)  My  dear  Lady  Dun- 
can, I  suppose  none  of  you  ladies  who  laugh  away  each 
otlier's  reoulations  mean  any  real  harm. 

Lady  D.  Thank  you.  Jack,  of  course  we  don't,  and 
this  time  I  didn't  really.  Let's  forget  all  about  it  and 
l—{crosces  L.)     I'll  go  and  get  my  hair  waved  with  a  clear 


32  BILLYS  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

conscience,  (goes  itp  steps  coid  turns  to  liim)  You  will 
try  and  forget  my  foolish  tittle-tattle,  won't  you? 

Jack,     {quietly — k.  c.)     Yes. 

Lady  D.  Thank  you,  Jack,  {she  goes  out  into  the 
house,  meeting  Jim  to  u-hom  she  speaks  in  2ictssing.  Goes 
above  hivi  this  time)  I"m  bound  to  win.  {exit  L.  ii. 
Jack  goes  vp  c.) 

Jim.  (speaking  after  her.  Shortly)  Oh,  no,  you're- 
not.     {comes  cloivn  steps  to  l.  c. ) 

Jack.  (c.  to  himself,  fiercely)  What  cats  some  wo- 
men are.  Well,  did  you  find  Miss  Marr?  {comes  down 
a  little) 

Jii£.  Yes,  but  as  that  ass  Becher  was  there  it  was 
no  good,  so  I've  written  her  a  note.  I  say,  old  man,, 
give  it  to  her  for  me,  will  j'ou?  I  can't  wait,  I'm  off  to- 
town.     (Jack  takes  it,  Jui  crosses  to  e.  2.) 

Jack.  Sudden  departure,  {putting  note  in  7its 
pocket) 

Jim.  {on  terrace  k. — xcith  a  gasp)  I  should  think 
so.     {starts  to  go) 

Jack.  (c.  looking  at  him  enquiringly)  Anything^ 
up? 

Jnr.  {putting  his  hand  through  his  hair  ivith  a 
groan)     Phew!   rather! 

Jack.     Can  I  be  of  any  use? 

Jim.  {on  platform — turns  quickly)  By  Jove — that's, 
not  a  bad  idea.  Yes — you  might  do  me  a  devilish  good 
turn.    Will  you? 

Jack.     Of  course  I  will. 

Jim.  {returning  to  Jack  r.  c.  eagerly)  Well,  lo  )lc 
here,  {he  looks  at  his  icatch)  Yes,  I've  just  time  to. 
explain — you  know  I'm  not  saying  anything  against 
my  wife — she's  a  jolly  good  sort  and  all  that — 

Jack.     She  is — 

Jim.  But — but — well,  she's  not  so  young  as  she  was,. 
I  s'pose,  and  that  makes  her  rather  touchy  on  the  sub- 
ject of — of — 

Jack,     {quietly)     Other  ladies. 

Jim.  Yes— and — well,  look  here,  she— I'm  lianged  if 
I  think  she  plays  the  game  fairly,  mind  you  I'm  not  say- 
ing a  word  against  her — slie's  a  jolly  good  sort. 

Jack.     You  said  that  before. 

Jim.  Well  so  she  is — she's  a  jolly  good  sort — but— - 
but  hang  it,  Jack,  she  shouldn't  bribe  my  man  Jenkins 
to  get  hold  of  my  keys  and  go  rummaging  through  all 
my  old  papers,  should  she? 

Jack.     No,  she  shouldn't. 

Jim.  She  shouldn't — she's  a  jolly  good  sort  and  all 
that,  but  she  shouldn't — well — she  has — she's  been  at  it. 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  33 

now.  and  tliere's  a  devil  of  a  row.  She's  found  out  some 
damned- ihing  or  other.  I  can't  quite  find  out  what — 
and — and — she's  cut  it  off  again  you  Icnow. 

Jack,     (very  gravely)     You  don't  say  so! 

JiJi.  If  I  could  only  find  out  ichat  it  is  she's  found 
out  1  might  be  able  to  tell  her  all  about  it — because  she 
is  a  jolly  good  sort  and  all  that;  but  if  I  don't  know 
what  it  is  she  knows,  how  the  devil  can  I  stay  and  face 
it  out,  I  can't — can  I?  {crossing  to  r. )  So  I'm  off  to 
town — when  I  run  away — it  seems  to  soften  her  a  bit — 
because  she's  fond  of  me,  she  really  is,  I  know  that  well 
enough,  and  when  she  Avrites  and  says,  come  back  and 
talk  it  over,  of  course  I  come  back  (crosses  hack  to 
Jack)  as  soon  as  I  can,  because  I'm  awfully  fond  of 
her  in  a  wa\',  she's  such  a  jolly — (moves  n.  a  little) 

Jack,  (rather  impatiently)  Yes — yes — but  what's 
the  row  about  now? 

Jim.  (coming  back  to  Jack)  "Well — it's  devilish  dif- 
ficult for  me  to  tell  you.  I — of  course  it's  all  about  a 
■woman. 

Jack,     (grimly)     Of  course. 

Jim.  I'm  such  a  silly  ass— you  see.  This  woman — 
of  course  you  understand  it  all  happened  before  I  was 
married — and  of  course  just  my  luck — she's  a  great 
friend  of  my  wife's — my  wife's  awfully  fond  of  her  and 
all  that,  she's  such  a  jolly  good  sort,  fond  of  everybody, 
and  the  devil  of  it  is  she  is  staying  in  the  house  now. 

Jack,     (quickly)     Who  is? 

Ji.\i.  The — er — the  lady!  (Jack  viakes  a  movement 
of  protest)  Not  my  doing,  on  my  honour.  I'm  flabber- 
gasted— but  what  has  my  wife  found  out  this  afternoon 
— that's  the  point — what  has  she  found  out?  You  must 
find  that  for  me — she  is  bound  to  confide  in  you — she 
thinks  because  you're  going  to  be  a  clergyman  you 
should  be  confided  in.  Then  you  write  me — if  she  only 
knows  a  little  I'll  come  back  and  confess  to  the  little 
and  it'll  be  all  right;   if  she  knows  the  lot — 

Jack,     (after  a,  pa».sc)    Was  there  a  lot  '^ 

Jim.     There  "was  a  good  deal. 

Jack.     How  much? 

Jim.  (u-itli  a  nervous  giggle)  Well,  p'raps  I  oughtn't 
to  say.  (looks  at  ivatch)  By  Jove  I  must  bolt  or  I'll 
miss  the  train  !  (goes  up  on  terrace— turns)  The  reason 
I'm  bolting  so  quick  is  because  I'm  such  an  ass  she 
might  get  me  into  a  hole  and  worm  it  out  of  me.  She's 
a  jolly  good  sort  and  all  that,  of  course,  but  she's 
a  oner  at  worming,  and  I  get  flustered.  Good-bye,  old 
chap.  (Jood —  (he  Jiurries  out  R.  2  E.  Jack  stands  for 
4i  moment    lost   in   thought — motionless — takes   out   en- 

3 


34  BILLYS  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

velope  and  looks  at  it,  then  puts  it  hack  quietly  into  /us- 
pocket) 

(Mrs.  Greaves  enters  the  dmiving-room  in  a  great 
hurry.  Rings  hell,  then  fidgets  all  round  the  room — 
sees  Jack  standing  c.  quite  motionless.  8he  comes. 
out  to  him.) 

Jam:,  (on  steins,  coming  doicn)  Oh,  Jack,  there  you 
are — now  don't  go  worrying  and  upsetting  me,  I've  got 
sufficient  worries  and  upsets  of  my  own  (moving  up  ani 
down  L.  c) 

Jack,  (o  little  astonished  at  the  charge)  Really! 
I've  neither  spolven  nor  moved. 

Jaxe.  (doivn  L.  c.)  Well — that's  sufficient  to  agitate 
an  old  woman  who's  nerves  as  it  is  are  all  on  the 
whizzle. 

Jack.     I  beg  your  pardon. 

Jane.  Whizzle — whizzle. 

(Man  enters  from  house  L.  2  e.) 

Where's  your  master? 

Max.     (071  steps)     I'm  unaware,  my  lady. 

Jane.  (l.  c.)  Catch  him — and  if  you  do — shut  him 
in  his  room — don't  let  him  escape  you,  he's  as  slippery 
as  an  eel.  {M.\y  bows  and  e.vits  L.  2  e.)  There,  look  at 
that  now — how  can  they  respect  their  master  when  I 
say  things  like  that.  Poor  dear — Oh,  Jack,  I'm  a  fool- 
ish woman,  but  that  man's  a  wretch.  I  took  him  when 
he  hadn't  a  shoe  to  his  back,  I've  dressed  him — I've — 
I've — well  I've  done  lots  of  foolish  things.  Never  you 
mind,  I've  allowed  him  a  thousand  a  year.  I've— I've — 
but  mind  you,  I've  cut  it  off — 

Jack,     (c.)      So  I've  been  given  to  understand. 

Jane.  Not  a  penny  of  my  money  goes  into  that  flat. 
(goes  doicn  l.) 

Jack.     What  flat? 

Jane,  (up  to  Jack  c.)  Victoria  Street — who  coul  I 
believe  it?  Virtuous  buses  all  down  the  middle — but 
fiats  on  either  side.  Oh,  Jack,  I  wish  I'd  married  you — 
You  tend  to  holy  thoughts  and  peace  on  earth — we'd 
have  suited  each  other.  I  should  never  have  found 
these  in  your  bureau,  (she  leaves  a  packet  of  papers) 
Love  letters,  Jack,  love  letters— from  a  preposterous  per- 
son, with  a  ])reposterous  name — and  worse.  Jack — worso 
— that  establishment — that  flat — under  my  nose,  since 
he  married  me.  Read  it,  read  it.  Can  you  wonder  that 
my  nerves  are  whizzling.     Read  it! 


i 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  35 

Jack.  (r.  c)  I  never  read  letters  that  are  not  meant 
for  me.  ,^ 

Jane.  (l.  c.)  Dout  you?  I  do.  You're  going  to  be 
safely  shut  up  in  the  church.  I've  got  to  wrestle  along 
outside — so  I  do  what  I  can  to  keep  on  top.  Listen, 
"  Dear  Jimmy,  please  don't  think  I'm  grumbling;  as 
you  prophesied  the  flat  will  suit  both  our  requirements 
to  a  T.  But  I  don't  agree  with  you  about  the  ceiling 
paper  in  the  pantry  or  the  passage — we'll  change  them, 
it  won't  cost  nuicli."  And  the  preposterous  epistle  is 
signed  "  Wang." 

Jack,     (icith  a  gasp)     What? 

Jane.  Wang  I  said,  Wang!  That's  the  other  love 
bird,  Wang! 

Jack.  Let  me  see.  {he  takes  if  and  recognizes  at 
once  that  it  is  Billy's  meriting — there  is  a  imuse) 

(Lady  D.  enters  and  goes  to  xcindow.) 

Jaxe.  {turning  totcards  house  as  indicating  they  are 
there)  Lots  more  of  'em — only  the  others  are  all  love 
and  treacle — lots  more  of  'em.  All  Wangs— all  in  the 
same  writing.     Do  you  recognize  it? 

Jack,  {sloicly)  No!  {he  gives  her  letter,  she  turns 
and  sees  Lady  D.  entering) 

(Sir  Harry  enters  vp  steps  r.  2  e.) 

Jane,  {turning  to  Lady  D.  at  u-indotr)  Oh,  tliere 
you  are.     I've  told  him  all  about  it  as  you  advised. 

(Bn.LY  comes  in  quickhj  from  cirairing-room  L.  2  cloirn 
steps  and  crosses  to  Jack.  Mrs.  G.  doion  l.  to  hench. 
]\Irs.  IlEKUiNGr  otters  and  goes  to  cabinet.  Lady  Roop 
to  ahove  tadJe,  Miss  Peruot  to  top  of  steps,  Lady 
Fairleigh  behind  her.) 

Lady  D.     {in  xcindoic)     Oh,  don't  say  that. 

Billy'.  Oli,  Jack,  (softhi)  Jack,  our  little  plan's 
upset.  I  had  to  tell  Captain  Becher— he  would  pro- 
pose. 

Lady  D.  (l.  c.  watching  Jack  and  Billy)  Miss  Marr 
looks  as  if  she  had  had  good  news. 

Billy,  {looking,  laughing  at  Lady  D.)  I  have. 
(then  site  turns  sliyltj  to  Jack)  Won't  you  tell  them 
Jack?  (Jack  standing  staring  straight  iri  front  of  him, 
Ms  face  set  and  stern) 

Lady  D.     And  Mr.  Frere  as  if  lie  had  liad  bnd. 

Billy,     {distressed  at  the  look  on  his  face— holds  out 


3G  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

Tier  hand  to  him)  Jack — Oh  Jack,  (he  turns  and  looks 
at  her — there  is  an  awkward  silence.  Jack  crosses 
Billy  over  to  his  right  side) 

Jack,  (suddenly  tossing  back  his  head — with  a  burst 
of  laughter)  I  don't  believe  it.  I  love  j'ovi,  dear,  (the 
Oi.D  Ladies  are  startled  and  move  to  the  two  icindoics) 
I  love  you  (he  catches  Billy  in  his  arms  and  kisses 
Iter.  Exclamations  of  astonishment  from  every  one. 
"Mr.  Frere!  Jack!  Hiss  Marr!"  Looking  round 
rather  abashed)  I  beg  your  pardon.  I  only  want  to  tell 
you  Miss  Marr  has  promised  to  be  my  wife. 

QUICK  curtain. 

END  OF  ACT    I. 


ACT  II. 


Scene. — A  comfortably  furnished  room— half  library,  half 
smoking-room.  Large  fireplace  R.,  icith  heavy  oak  man- 
tel to  ceiling.  On  either  side  of  it  bookcases  let  into  wall, 
also  from  floor  to  ceiling.  At  back  of  room  long  zcin- 
doiis,  heavily  curtained.  Fender  seat  round  fire.  These 
unndoics  oj^en  on  to  the  terrace. 

Discovered. — Sir  Henry  Harmon  lying  r.  c.  in  deep 
club  chair,  his  feet  on  fender  seat  before  fire,  reading  the 
"  Globe.''  On  small  table  beside  Jiim,  cigars,  ichiskey  and 
soda,  etc.  After  a  p)ause.  Jack  eiders  door  L.  2  E.  dis- 
consolately, sees  Sir  Henry. 

Jack,  (gloomily)  Hullo,  (goes  up  to  table  L.  gets 
■cigarette,  crosses  to  table  R.  and  lights  it) 

Sir  H.  {without  looking  up  from  It  is  paper  or  taking  his 
■cigar  out  of  his  mouth)  Hullo.  (Jack  above  table  R.) 
Where's  our  host  ? 

Jack,     (not  attending)    "What? 

Sir  H.     Where's  Jim  ? 

Jack.    Gone  to  town,  then  on  to  Paris. 

Sir  H.     Oh — more  broils  ? 

Jack.     I  suppose  so. 

Sir  H.     Ah  well,  your  turn  will  come  soon. 

Jack,  (moving  to  below  table  L.  c.  sits  on  edge  of  it) 
"What  d'ye  mean? 

Sir  H.  I  gather  from  your  somewhat  theatrical  out- 
hurst  on  the  terrace  tliis  afternoon  over  3Iiss  Marr's  fringe 
net  that  you  ultimately  desired  to  marry  the  young  lady. 

Jack.  You  were  quite  right.  (Sir  "H.  grtints.  Jack 
comes  to  table  ncarSiR  H.  and  helps  himself  to  a  ichiskey 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  37 

and  soda.     A  jjfl»sf)     I  don't  suppose  you  ever   were  ia 
love. 

Sir  H.  I  don't  sujipose  I  ever  was — have  a  look  at  the 
*' Globe"? 

Jack.     Hang  the  "  Globe  "  ! 

Sir  H.  {calmly)  Those  tin  mines  weren't  a  rig  after 
all.  you  see. 

Jack.    Weren't  they  ? 

Sir  H.     Tliey  weren't.     (Pause) 

Jack.  I  suppose  they  all  thought  I  was  mad.  {takes  a 
dritik) 

Sir  H.    Eh  ? 

Jack.    This  afternoon. 

Sir  H.  It  may  have  struck  some  of  the  more  conven- 
tional present  that  it  was  not  quite  the  usual  method  of 
announcing  an  engagement. 

Jack.  I  don't  care,  (moves  to  L.  of  table.  This  is  the 
Jivst  time  HxTinY  has  looked  at  him.  He  turns  his  chair 
and  does  so  here. 

Sir  H.  The  fact  tliat  you  have  won  the  lady  of  your 
clioice  does  not  seem  to  have  turned  your  spirits  to  the 
note  of  song — anything  wrong? 

Jack,     (shorth/)     Yes.     (sits  L.  of  table) 

Sir  H.    What? 

Jack.     Other  people  are  such  brutes. 

Sir  H.    Eh ! 

Jack.     Especially  other  women. 

Sir  H.  (sinkiug'baek  in  his  chair)  Let  me  recommend 
you  to  cling  to  the  latter  part  of  your  statement  all  through 
your  married  life.     It  will  preserve  your  wife  from  chloral. 

Jack,  (rises,  goes  up  to  L.  o/ Sir  Harry)  AVomen  can't 
be  as  bad  as  they  try  and  make  one  believe. 

Sir  H.  Can't  they  ?  I  shouldn't  trust  'em.  Bah  !  Don't 
talk  about  them.  I'm  prejudiced.  I  always  believe  the 
evil  I  hear  of  'em  and  take  tlie  good  with  a  grain  of  salt. 

Jack,  (crosses  to  r.,  flinging  himself  into  an  arm-chair 
doiimR.H.  Gravely.)  There  are  some  women  you  can't 
believe  evil  of.     Y^ou  wouldn't  if  j'ou  could. 

Sir  H.  "  Wouldn't  if  you  could  1  "  that  frame  of  mind 
belongs  to  the  "  Knight  in  a'-mour  "  period,  not  the  analy- 
tical. 

Jack.  Then  for  heaven's  sake  let's  get  back  to  the 
"  Knight  in  armour  "  period.  I'm  sick  of  all  this  backbiting 
and  scandal  and  yow-yow.  You're  a  danuied  good  chap 
in  other  respects,  but"^in  this  you're  as  bad  as  tlie  rest. 
You're  always  sneering  at  women.  Men  should  be  above 
tliat.     (rises,  crosses  to  chair  R.  of  table  c.) 

Sir  II.     Of  course   we  should— but   we  aren't.     It's  a 
cultivation  like  other  modern  mannerisms. 
Jack,     (sits)      We   believe   that  men  are  honourable, 


33  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

most  of  'em— Wliy  shoulJu't  we  believe  tlie  same  of  women? 

Sir  H.     They  inake  it  piac-tioally  impossible  for  us. 

Jack.     How  do  you  mean  ? 

Sir  H.     They  tell  us  so  mucli  about  each  other. 

Jack,  {rises  and  goes  down  L,  then  hack)  One  shouldn't 
believe  wliat  they  tell  one. 

Sir  H.  One  doesn't— so  one's  faith  in  the  majority  of 
the  women  one  listens  to  is  at  once  destroyed.  From  your 
demeanour  I  gatlier  that  some  fair  lady  in  the  course  of 
conversation  has  been  treading  on  your  corns. 

Jack,     {goes  to  Sir  Harry)     Infernally. 

Sir  II.     Lady  Duncan.  I  suppose? 

Jack,  {down  ton.  of  table,  sits)  Indirectly — yes.  Well 
now,  look  at  her.  What  is  a  man  to  believe  ?  I  tliouglit 
she  was  one  of  the  jolliest,  manliest  women  I'd  ever  met. 

Sir  H.  Ah,  tlie  pink  and  yellow  ones  are  very  decep- 
tive, I've  samjded  them. 

Jack.  She  seemed  such  a  good  sort,  seemed  to  see 
tilings  so  straight  that  to-night,  when  Mrs.  Herring  toll 
me  the  things  she  had  been  saying  about,  about — 

Sir  H.  {still  in  arm-chair  R.  c,  genthj)  About  Miss 
Marr. 

Jack,  {rising  crossing  to  him)  How  did  you  know  I 
was  going  to  say  Miss  Marr  ? 

Sir  H.  {looking  at  him  gravely)  I  think  I  must  have 
guessed  it. 

Jack.  AVell,  if  slie  did  say  those  things— she  ought  to 
be  pole-axed. 

Sir  H.  Of  course  she  ouglit.  Most  women  of  her  age, 
views,  experience  and  colour  ought  to  be  pole-axed  regu- 
larly. 

Jack.  Look  here,  have  you  ever  heard  her  say  untrue 
tilings  about  Miss  Marr  ? 

Sir  H.     I  don't  know  about  "  untrue."     I  couhln't  say. 

Jack,     {angrilij)     Ever  heard  her  say  unkind  things? 

Sir  H.     Oil.  often  ! 

Jack.     M^icked  things. 

Sir  II.     Heaps. 

Jack,  {comes  down  l.  stamjiing)  I — I'd  brand  such 
women  ! 

Sir  H.     Waste  time.     Tliey  do  that  for  tliemselves. 

Jack,  {crossing  to  R..  bursting  into  an  angry  laugh  and 
flinging  himself  into  the  arm-chair  again,  doiim  li.)  But 
after  all,  what  does  it  matter — who  ever  paid  any  atten- 
tion to  Lady  Duncan  ? 

Sir  H.     Lots  of  men  during  her  husband's  lifetime. 

Jack.     Tliafs  not  tlie  sort  of  attention  I  meant. 

Sir  II.  It's  the  only  sort  slie  cares  about — and  jioor  dear, 
it  gets  annually  more  difficult  to  obtain.  Her  life's  been  a. 
bit  of  a  failure. 


BILLY  S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  3$) 

Jack.     I  don't  pity  her. 

Sir  li."  She  does  jiity  you — you've  fallen  in  love  -with 
some  one  else,  {there's  a  pause.  Jack  puts  his  head  bach 
and  stares  at  the  ceiling) 

Jack.  {sudde)di/)  AVhat  have  you  heard  her  say  about 
Jim  and  Miss  Marr  ? 

Sir  H.  I  never  said  I'd  heard  her  say  anything  about 
Jim  and  Miss  Marr. 

Jack.  Oh,  don't  talk  rot.  (rising  and  sits  on  fender 
facing  Sir  H.)  She  did  .say  things  about  Jim  and  Miss- 
Marr,  didn't  she. 

Sir  H.     Well,  as  a  matter  of  fact  she  did. 

Jack.     To-night? 

Sir  H.  Oli.  not  quite  so  recentl3^  I  think  two  days- 
have  elapsed  since  she  convinced  me  of  the  iniquity  of  any- 
body. 

Jack,  (bitterly)  Well,  she'll  have  plenty  to  talk  about 
now. 

Sir  H.  You  don't  mean  to  sa}'  Miss  iMarr  has  given  her 
anything  definite  to  lay  hold  of  ? 

Jack.     I— I'm  afraid  slie  has. 

Sir  H.     (sitting  vp)     Jack  ! 

Jack.  There's  notliing  in  it  of  course — we  who  know 
Billy  know  tliat,  but  these  devils  of  women  put  two  and 
two  together  and  make  it  202.  (rises  and  tlirons  awuij 
cigarette) 

Sir  H.  (sloH'hj — chewing  end  of  cigar)  Jim's  bolted  to- 
Paris. 

Jack.     Y'es,  the  fool. 

Sir  H.  Did  he  by  any  chance  tell  you  his  reason  fur 
bolting  ? 

Jack.     Y''es — in  confidence. 

Sir  H.  So  he  did  me — in  confidence.  He  told  us  botli,  so- 
I  shan't  respect  the  confidence  ;  lefs  tell  each  other. 

Jack.     What  did  he  tell  you? 

Sir  H.  (slowly — still  chewing  his  cigar)  He  told  me  his 
■wife  had  found  out  something  about  himself  and  a  certain 
lady — he  mentioned  no  names — I  gathered  his  wife  can't 
identify  the  lady — but  Jim  let  fall  she  was  a  visitor  in  the 
liouse  at  present — which  is  odd — and  master  Jim,  dreading, 
lest  under  wifel}'  cross-examination,  he  should  betray  tlie 
lady's  identity,  bolts — till  the  storm  blows  ovei'. 

Jack.  Yes — that's  pretty  mucli  wiiat  he  told  me.  (a 
2Xiiise)  It's  no  good  beating  about  the  bush.  Lady  Dun- 
can has  been  confided  in  by  ]Mrs.  Greaves  and  tiiiuks  siie 
knows  tlie  lady. 

Sir  H.  Tiia't  I  also  gathered  ;  she  was  spreading  a  thinly 
veiled  version  of  tiie  story  before  dinner.  I'm  sorry  now  1 
didn't  stop  to  listen. 

Jack,     (horrified)     She's  spreading  it  already  ! 


40  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

Sir  II.  What's  tlie  proverb  ?  "  Chat  while  tlie  scandal's 
hot."     Oh.  it  will  be  inetty  useful  for  the  lady. 

Jack.  It's  damnable— perfectly  damnable!  {crosses  to 
R.  of  fable— sits) 

Sir  H.     (quicJilij)     Can  she  make  much  of  the  story  ? 

Jack.  For  once  ;  she  need  have  no  limit.  Oh  !  If  one 
could  only  get  at  the  truth— it  would  be  as  clear  as  day- 
light. 

Sir  II.  Of  course  it  would.  "What's  the  old  woman  got 
hold  of? 

Jack.    A  bundle  of  old  love  letters  ! 

Sir  H.     But  old  love-letters,  not  since  the  marriage. 

Jack,  (sloivlij)  One  of  'em  I  can't  quite  make  out,  re- 
fers to  the  occupation  of  a  flat  in  Victoria  Street — since  the 
marriage.  (SiR  H.  gircsa  long  loldstle.  Rises  and  goes  to 
Sir  II.— hursts  out)  What  tlie  devil  do  you  mean  by  that? 
She  and  her  mother  must  liave  taken  on  tlie  end  of  Jim's 
lease,  {moves  C.  a  little)  Oh,  Harry,  I'm  so  damned 
miserable. 

Sir  H.  {staring  at  Jiiin  in  surjjrisc)  But  you  don't 
believe — 

Jack.  Believe — God  forbid — but  if  these  women  won't 
be  convinced,  what's  to  be  done  then  ?  It's  damnable— (fo 
■anndoio,  looks  out)  She's  the  truest,  sweetest,  honestest 
little  girl  that  ever  breathed,  and  if  any  one  dares  to  think 
these  lies  are  true,  I'll — Fll— (/u  Jtis  anger  he  bangs  the 
table  irith  his  fist,  rattling  glasses) 

Sir  H.  {quietly)  You'll  upset  the  glasses?  (Jack  dozt'Ji 
L.  and  back)  Don't  plunge  about  like  that.  Sit  down,  old 
man.  and  let's  see  exactly  what's  ha])pened. 

Jack,  {fiercely  turning  on  him)  Nothing  ever  did  hap- 
pen—you may  take  your  oath  on  that.  Harry— you've 
seen  her— you've  looked  into  her  eyes— j'ou've  talked  to 
her — you  don't  believe {leaning  oa'backoffim  H.'s  chair. 

Sir  H.  Believe  that  Billy  Marr— (//e  stoj^s)  I'm  not 
quite  a  fool. 

Jack,  {heartily)  Tlianks,  old  nnm— {shakes  h ands  with 
Harry  across  back  of  chair) 

Sir  II.  {holding  h  is  hand— after  a  pause)  Do  you  know 
-what  I  should  do  if  I  were  you  ? 

Jack.    What  ? 

Sir  H.  I  should  go  to  her — tell  lier  all  you've  heard,  and, 
as  her  future  husband,  claim  the  right  to  clear  the  matter 
up. 

Jack.     Slie  might  think  I  doubted  her. 

Sir  H.  Convince  her  you  don't  doubt  her,  but  unless 
you  know  what  tlie  trutli  is  how  can  you  let  other  i:)eople 
know  it? 

Jack.  But— but— oh— it  would  break  her  heart  to  know- 
such  things  are  being  said  of  her. 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  4t 

Sir  H.  You'll  have  to  risk  that.  Better  a  broken  heart- 
{releases  hand  and  goes  to  chair  R.  of  table)  than  a  broken 
reputation.  My  clear  Jack,  it's  the  wisest  course.  Go  to 
her — tell  lier  all  about  it — get  her  to  explain  it  to  you  now, 
once  and  for  all,  and  tlien  3-ou  can  talk  to  anybody  tliat 
has  anything  to  say  on  the  subject. 

Jack,  (c.)  I  will,  by  gad,  you're  riglit.  (to  Sir  H.) 
I'll  tell  her  all  about  it  and —  (down  L.  A  jxnise,  he  thinks  it 
over  then  breaks  out  excitedly)  By  gad,  you're  quite  right  ! 
(goes  up)  I'll  go  and  talk  it  over  with  her  quickly  (starts 
for  door  L.  2  E.)  and  we'll  shut  the  mouths  of  those  beasts 
before  they've  had  time  to  open  them. 

Sir  H.     The  young  generation  is  previous. 

Jack,  (pausing  tlioughtfnUij  at  door — Itand  on  knob — 
turns  a  little  glundy  to  Sir  H.)  I  say,  you  know — it — it 
isn't  as  easy  as  it  sounds — how  on  earth  shall  I  begin  ? 

Sir  H.     Ah — um — yes — It  is  a  little  awkward. 

Jack.  (returning — comic  hesitation — anxiously)  Er  ! 
can't  j'ou  give  me  a  sort  of  lead — just  the  opening  part  ?  I 
think  I  shall  be  all  right  when  I've  once  started — (comes 
slowly  back  to  c. — crosses  back  to  table) 

Sir  H.  (u-ith  a  ghost  of  a  smile  hovering  on  his  lips — 
closes  his  eyes  and  says,  th  ought  fully)  Well !  I  should 
just  ascertain  that  she  is  sitting  somewhei'einaroomquite 
alone. 

Jack,  (c.)  Now  is  it  likely  that  Billy  would  ever  sit 
anywliere  alone? 

Sir  H.  It  must  be  arranged— better  begin  by  drowning 
Becher. 

Jack.     Oh,  be  serious. 

Sir  H.  (contimiing  very  gravely)  Tlien  when  you've 
found  her  in  the  room  quite  by  herself — enter  gravely^ 
and  pause — then  without  a  word  turn  and  solemnly  close 
the  door — that  will  tell  her  at  once  that  something's  in  tlie 
wind. 

Jack.  Yes,  I  think  that's  ^ood— (draws  chair  r.  of 
table  to  Sir  H.  sits  in  it)     Go  on — 

Sir  H.  Then  cross  to  fireplace— cough— put  your  hands 
behind  your  back  and  say — er — er — my  dear  ]\Iiss  Marr— 

Jack,  (rising  and  replacing  chair,  leaning  on  back  of 
it)  You're  an  ass,  Harry.  Oh,  I  wish  it  wasn't  so  difficult 
— I  suppose  it's  because  I'd  l;iy  down  my  life  for  her  that 
I — I  can't  say  things  I  mean  to  her. 

Sir  H.  Wait  till  you've  been  married  a  year  or  so— 
you'll  chatter  pretty  freely  to  her  then. 

Jack,  (goes  to  chair  in  which  Harry  is  seated,  leans  on 
back  of  it)  Oh,  bless  her.  I  hopeso.  (then  enthusiastically 
to  Hahry— hands  on  back  of  chair)  Harry,  won't  it  be 
splendid  when  we're  married  ? 

Sir  H.     (very  seriously  nodding  his  head)     It  will  be^ 


42  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

sibscilutely  marvellous!  Nothing  like  it  since  the  world 
began. 

Jack.  You  think  you're  chaffing  me,  but  you're  talk- 
ing truth — there'll  be  nothing  likeit  since  the  world  began. 
I'm  jolly  glad  I  told  you  about  everything,  old  man. 
You've  been  a  lot  of  good  to  me.  {giving  hand  to  Sir  H., 
^^•h(>  takes  it.  There's  a  light  tap  at  the  icindoui  at  back 
L.  c.  Three  taps — Jack,  Sir  H.,  staccato  movancnt  icitii 
same) 

Sir  H.     Wliafs  that  ?     {a  pause) 

.Jack.  Some  one  at  the  window,  {moving  to  c.  looking 
at  tcindow  L.  c,  tlicy  jja?(se  again  listening.  Then  the 
three  taps  are  heard  again,  and  Jack  goes  vp),  flinging  back 
curtains,  peers  out  on.  to  terrace) 

Sir  H.     Any  one  there  ? 

Jack.  Can't  see.  {he  aliens  the  long  icindous.  Tlieve's 
a  light  burst  of  laughter,  and  with,  a  slioxit  of  '•Billy'' 
Jack  catches  her  by  the  arm  and  j)idls  her  into  the  icindoic) 
Got  you  !     iliss  Madcap  ! 

Sir  H.     By  Jove,  you  are  shy. 

Jack.  I  am,  tliis  is  mere  bravado.  Come  in,  come  in. 
(Sir  H.     is  about  to  rise) 

Billy,  {imperiously — still  in  icindou-)  If  you  get  an 
inc;h  out  of  that  comfortable  chair,  Sir  Harry,  I  shan't 
come  in. 

Sir  H.     Then  I  don't  stir,     {sits  again— facing  them) 

Billy,  {coming  into  room — to  c.)  Jack  dear,  I  know  I 
shouldn't  be  here,  but  I  heard  your  voice  nnd  I  saw  through 
the  chink  you  were  onh"  with  Sir  Harry — I  wanted  you  to 
see  this,     {she  hands  him  a  note) 

Jack.     (r.  c. — looking  at  it)     The  note  Jim  left  for  you. 

Billy.  Yes,  read  it.  {lie  reads  it,  then  looks  at  her 
astonished)     Isn't  it  funny? 

Jack,     (gravely)     Very  funny  ;  may  I  keep  it  ? 

Billy.    Of  course. 

Jack.     May  I  read  it  to  Sir  Harry  ? 

Billy.  IfVou  like,  {moves  down  c.  L.  of  table  L.  c.  and 
sits  L.  of  it) 

Jack,  {reads — over  to  Sir  H.  r.  c.)  "  Dear  Bill}-,  Lady 
Duncan's  got  her  knife  into  you — watch  her — she  means 
mischief — show  this  to  Jack  if  you  like.  I'nr  off  to  Paris 
on  important  business.     Yours,  Jim." 

Sir  H.     (whistles)     Rum  ! 

Jack.     Very  rum. 

Billy.  Very — very  rum — she's  been  so  nice  to  me  this 
evening — (a  pause — they  all  look  at  each  other — then  Billy 
suddenly  rising)  "Well — well  I  must  go — or  I  shall  be 
talked  about  Ijy  those  sweet  old  women.  Y'ou  don't  get 
away  into  a  corner  and  wallow  in  everj'  little  bit  of  talk 
you  hear,  do  you  ? 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  43 

Sir  H.  (Jac;c  a«d  Sir  H.  exchange  guilt ij  looks)  Cer- 
tainly not. 

Billy.     I  must  go     {moves  up  a  little) 

Jack.     (C.)     Oh,  wait  two  minutes. 

Billy,  {hesitates,  then  easts  a  tender  little  glance  at 
Jack)  Well,  put  your  feet  back  on  that  ledge.  Sir  Harry, 
I'm  sure  they  were  there  before  I  tapped,  weren't  they, 
Jack. 

Jack,     (c.)    They  were  certainly  there. 

Billy.     Put  'em  up.  Sir  Harry. 

Sir  H.  Up  they  go.  {hejints  liis  feet  bacTc  on  the  fen- 
der seat) 

Billy.  Now  take  a  sip  at  your  whiskey  and  soda,  and 
•on  these  conditions  I'll  stay  heVe  for  two  minutes.  Which 
is  vour  chair.  Jack. 

Jack,  (c.)  I  wasn't  sitting.  I— I  was  walking  up  and 
down. 

Billy,  {leaning  on  R.  edge  of  table  l.  c.  icUh  mock  dis- 
may) Oh,  Jack,  don't  tell  me  yovi're  of  a  serious  turn  of 
mind  in  the  smoking-room. 

Jack.  Not  often — but— but— but  one's  got  to  think 
about  things  sometimes. 

Billy.  Of  course  one  has.  I  think  it's  very  good  for 
one  to  have  a  good  go  in  at  oneself,  oidy  you  shouldn't 
walk  up  and  down,  that  weakens  the  goodness. 

Jack.     (c. )     What  should  one  do? 

Billy.  One  shouhl  find  out  the  coldest  room  in  the 
liouse  and  the  one  with  the  ugliest  paper,  and  then  one 
should  take  one's  chair  like  this,  {she  takes  chair  from  R. 
of  table  up  C.  to  theicall  and  sits  facing  it,  Iter  knees  almost 
touching  it— Jack  follous  her  up  and  stands  k.  of  Iter) 
And  one  should  get  right  up  against  the  pattern  like  this, 
and  then  one  should  start  thinking  how  awful  one  is  and 
what  a  pity  it  is  that  it's  quite  impossible  to  be  any  nicer 
than  you  are.  Then  when  you've  thought  that  well  over 
and  quite  realised  that  you  can't  be  nicer  than  you  are, 
you  feel  a  little  better  and  you  can  come  away  from  the 
ugly  pattern  and  go  and  look  at  yourself  in  the  glass. 
(turns  chair  to  l.  and  kneels  on  it,  leaning  over  back  of  it 
io  Jack.  Sir  H.  had  been  xeriting  xcith  his  pencil  on  the 
viargin  of  the  "  Globe  '') 

Sir  H.  {rising)  I  wonder  how  luany  words  you  use 
in  the  course  of  the  week,  young  woman  ? 

Billy,  {coming  down  ic'ithjACK)  Do  I  talk  too  much  ? 
I'm  so  sorry. 

Sir  H.  Not  a  bit— (ea//s  Jack— hands  the  "Globe  '  to 
him—Bii^LY  takes  it  but  does  not  look  at  it)  That's  the 
account  I  told  von  about. 

Jack.     {r.  c'.— blankly)     What  account? 

Sir  H.     You  know— at  dinner— ahem  !     If  you  two  will 


44  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

excuse  me  I'm  off  to  tlie  terrace  for  a  breath  of  fresl.  air. 
{crosses  up  L.,  Jack  is  quite  iinconscious  that  SiR  H.  has 
u-ritfen  aiujthing  on  the  '•  Globe"  Sir  H.  at  unuckno  L.) 

Billy.  {c.  cheerful! jj)  Sir  Harry,  you've  been  writing 
something  impertinent  about  me.  How  dare  you !  (Siu 
H.  motions  Jack  to  get  the  paper.  She  reads  the  lines  and 
at  once  Iter  irltole  vunnier  changes.  Qniethj)  What's  this  ? 
Don't  go,  Sir  Harry.  (Siu  11.  stopis  awktcardli/  at  window 
L.  C.  and  is  grcatlij  embarrassed — tries  to  attract  Jack's 
attention— u-li'o  moves  R.  a  little.  Reads  aloud,  very 
quietly  though  firmly)  "  I'll  clear  out.  Get  her  to  explain 
everytliing  once  for  all,  better  too  soon  than  too  late."^ 
(there  is  a  fearful  p)ause,  she  turns  and  stares  at  Sir  H.) 
You  wrote  this  on  the  margin  just  now  ? 

Sir  H.     {coining  down)     I  did. 

Billy,  {turning  ivith  ivhite  face  /o  Jack)  Jack,  what 
is  it  you  wish  me  to  explain  ? 

Jack,  {very  much  distressed  and  at  a  loss  irhat  to  say) 
Nothing,  Billy. 

Billy,     Then  what  does  Sir  Harry  mean  ? 

Jack,     (r.)     I — 1  don't  know — at  least  I — I  do  know. 

Billy,  {irith  a  little  shake  in  her  voice)  Then  you 
were  discussing  me  when  I  came  in  ? 

Jack,  No — no,  not  discussing — Oh,  Billy,  don't  look 
like  that.  Tiiisis  all  it  was.  Look  here — we — we've  heard 
a  certain  story  and — {then  quickhj)  we  don't  believe  it,  of 
course,  bvit — but  if  ever  it  got  generally  known  it  would  bo 
beastly  for  you— and  I — we— well,  we  were  trying  if  there 
was  any  way  of  stopping  it  going  the  round  of  those  old 
women. 

Billy,  {reads  again  quietly)  "  Get  her  to  explain 
everything,  once  for  all.  Better  too  soon  than  too  late." 
{looks  at  Sir  H.,  l.) 

Sir  H,  I  assure  you,  you  put  the  wrong  construction 
on  those  words. 

Billy,  {drops paper  on  table  L.c.  upper  side.— In  a  hard 
voice  looking  at  Jack)  What  have  I  to  explain  once  for 
all? 

Jack.  (r.  C.)  Nothing  whatever  really,  only  we,  at 
least  I  was  turning  the  thing  over  with  Harry  to  see  if  we 
couldn't  do  something,  and  we  came  to  the  conclusion 
I'd  better  go  straight  to  you  and  find  out  all  the  facts — 
don't  look  so  angry,  Billy,  something  has  to  be  done, 
really. 

Billy,  (c.  quietly)  You're  quite  right,  something  has 
to  be  done,  and  it's  very  simple,  {she  takes  off  the  ring 
Jack  gave  her  and  puts  it  on  table  L.  c.)  Thank  you.  Mr. 
Frere.  {exclamation  from  both  as  ring  comes  down. 
Tlien  scornfully,  quoting  his  ivords  of  the  afternoon) 
'•  No  man  who  really  loved  a  woman  would  allow  for  a 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  45 

moment  that  anytliing  she  did  coulu  admit  of  discussion, 
least  of  all  with  othei'  men  in  the  smoking-room."' 

Jack.     Oh,  my  dear  girl,  do  listen — 

Billy,  (ivaving  him  back  from  her,  laughs  a  little  sadly) 
I  have — you've  made  some  marvellous  discovery  about  me 
— I've  made  auother  about  you.  It's  a  very  good  thing 
after  all — much  better  too  soon  tlian  too  late,  (she  vioves 
toirards  door — crossing  in  front  of  table  to  L.  Harry 
doicn  L.) 

Jack,  (crosses  above  table — getting  between  her  and.  the 
door — deeply  distressed  tries  to  detain  her)     Billy — Billj- — 

Billy.  Let  me  go,  if  you  please.  (Jack  falls  hack  a 
step — witJi  great  dignity  she  j^c'sses  betireen  the  tico  men 
and  out  of  the  room.  Jack  tries  to  follow  Iter — Sir  H. 
detains  him) 

Sir  H.     (verymnchitpset—t urns  to  Jack)  My  dear  chap — 

Jack.     Oh,  go  to  the  devil  ! 

Sir  H.  (firmly)  Don't  go  after  her  now.  It's  no  good 
talking  to  a  woman  wlien  slie's  in  a  temper.  Sit  down. 
(Sir  H.  forces  him  into  a  chair.  L.  of  table  L.  c.  putting 
him  across  in.  front  of  himself) 

Jack,  (trying  to  free  himself  from  the  detaining  Jtands) 
Sit  down  be  damned — let  me  go  to  her — 

Sir  H.  Wait  a:i  hour — she  wants  to  cr}'  it  off — wait  till 
she  has — they  can  listen  to  reason  then — 

Jack,  (trying  to  rise)  But  I  won't  liave  her  cry — why 
sliould  she  cry  ? 

Sir  II.  (pushing  himback)  Because  slie's  a  woman,  be- 
cause she  loves,  because  she  thinks  3'ou're  a  cad. 

Jack,  (rising  and  taking  stage— to  R.  front  of  table)  I 
am  a  cad.  I'm  an  infernal  cad  and  it's  all  your  fault. 
(Harry  says  "  What  '/  "  Coming  up  to  table)  What  do  you 
niean  by  your  idiotic  scribbles  on  the  "  Globe  ?  "  Why  in 
Heaven's  name  couldn't  you  have  held  yoiu-  tongue?     (C.) 

Sir  H.  (l.  c. — speaking  across  table)  How  was  I  to 
know  you  were  going  to  be  such  a  juggins  as  to  let  her  get  it  ? 

Jack.  How  the  devil  was  1  to  prevent  her  when  I  didn't 
know  it  was  there':' 

Sir  H.     I  made  a  signal. 

Jack.  Signal  be — she  saw  it,  I  didn't.  Oh,  of  all  the 
])lunderlieaded — (turns  airay)  Look  here — if — (t}trns 
back) 

Sir  II.     (L.  of  table)     It'll  blow  over. 

Jack,  (across  table)  "Blow  over."  (Sir  H.  sits) 
What  diflference  does  it  make  to  you  if  it  blows  over  or 
not?  "Blow  over" — suppose  it  doesn't  blow  over,  what 
then — suppose  she  goes  and — and  gets  engaged  to  some- 
body else — what  then  ?  Suppose  that  fellow  l^eclier  comes 
along  again?  "Blow  over!"  What  the  devil  do  you 
carry  a  pencil  for  if  you  can't  control  it !     (down  R.)     O 


40  BILLYS  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

course  she's  furious — she's  everj-  ri^ht  to  be  furious.  I 
couldn't  blame  her  if  she  married  anybody  at  all  after  your 
behavior  to-night  (iijy  to  tabic)  ""Get  her  to  explain 
everything  once  for  all"  indeed — when  all  night  Fve  been 
cramming  it  down  5-ovu-  throat  that  there  was  notliing  on 
earth  to  explain— Oh  !  go  to  blazes  you  and  your  "  blow 
over  !  '"     (goes  vp  c.) 

Sm  H.  {crosses  to  R.  of  table— hanging  it)  But  my  dear 
chap — 

Jack.  (l.  of  table— also  banging  it)  1  tell  you  tiiat 
girl's  the  sweetest,  best  heartedest,  honestest  girl  in  Eng- 
land. I  don't  care  if  she  wrote  fifty  letters  tp  Jim— I'd 
swear  they  didn't  mean  anything  but  high  spirits  and— 
and— going  for  the  laughter  and  glory  of  life  wherever  it 
was  to  be  found.  I'll  tell  her  all  about  it  and  beg  her 
]>ardon.  {Barry  tal-es  i\.  iq^  stage.  He  dashes  out  h.  2  E. 
Mrs.  Greaves  screams) 

Jack,     {of)     Beg  pardon— didn't  see  you. 

Mrs.  G.     {off)     Didn't  see— you  nearly  pushed  me  over  ! 

{The  doors  are  flung  open  and  Mrs.  Greaves,  loith  reticule 
and  letters,  enters  followed  by  Lady  Duncan  l.  2  e.) 

Mrs.  G.  {to  c.  panting  vigorously)  He's  positively 
banged  the  breath  out  of  my  body. 

Lady  D.     (l.  h.)     But— my  dear  Jane— 

Mrs.  G.  Oh,  my  dear,  do  not  keep  saying  "  My  dear 
Jane"  it  gets  into  my  inilse.  {puts  reticule  on  table) 
Wliere's  the  lawyer  \\\ix\\—{up  c.  looking  about  room— 
Harry  moves  dou-n  R.  c.  Lady  D.  stands  l.  of  table) 
barrister,  I  mean,  I  beg  his — Oh,  there  you  are,  Sir  Harry. 
You'll  excuse  me  taking  up  your  valuable  time,  j'ou  never 
do  anvthing  but  smoke,  so  don't  say  you  won't  excuse  me, 
for  I'm  going  to.  Lady  D.  told  me  to" tell  Jack  all  about  it. 
Sorry  I  did.  He  was  no  good — he's  much  too  tender  to 
criminals,  so  he  should  be  I  s'pose  with  tlie  church  looking 
before  him— but  you're  tlie  law,  and  he's  the  church,  and 
if  the  pair  of  you  can't  right  me  I'm  in  a  bad  way. 

Sir  H.     {r.c.  a  little  taken  aback)    Do  you  wish — ? 

Mrs.  G.  (c.  interrupts)  Y'es,  I  do.  I'm  going  to  dis- 
cuss my  troubles — it's  the  only  thing  I  think  worth  discus- 
sion just  now.  Y^ou're  all  liere  feeding  on  the  fat  of  tiie 
land — my  land— and  all  I  say  to  you  is  to  take  a  little 
interest  in  me. 

Sir  H.     (a  little  offended)     My  dear  Mrs.  Greaves— 

Mrs.  G.  {waring  her  hands)  Oh,  I  know,  I'm  sorry— I 
shouldn't  say  tliat.  I  don't  mean  it.  but  you'll  help  me 
{towards  him  a  little)  like  a  good  fellow,  won't  you  ?  An 
old  woman  feels  lonely— and  besides  it's  good  for  you.  Sir 
Harrv,  it  may  teach' vou  if  ever  you  get  a  foolish  old 
woman  to  marry  vou— to  be  a  little  kind  to  her  sometimes 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  47 

?ind  not  go  ''  wanging  ''  all  over  the  place  at  eveiy  oj"*- 
])ortuiiity.  Wliere  are  myiiajiers?  Oli,  here — {sJiehas  a 
iarge  reficulc.  Site  brings  chair  foricard  from  hack  of  table 
— s'ifs—nijeiisbag  and  takes  ont  2Mp<-'>'S—2)nts  bag  on  floor) 

Sir  II.  (R.  doicn  stage)  But  I  fear  I'm  rather  out  of 
place— (Lady  D.  at  back  of  tabte  L.  C.) 

IMrs.  G.  No,  you're  not — you  were  a  barrister  before 
your  poor  aunt's  money  made  a  man  of  you.  You  just  sit 
down  and  listen  to  me."  (Sir  H.  sits  in  arm-chair  below  fire. 
Jack  bursts  in  hurriedlijh.  2  E.  speaksbcfore  seeing  women) 
Jack.  She's  locked  herself  in— {he  sees  them  and  stops 
confused)     Hullo ! 

JIrs.  G.     AVho's  locked  herself  in — where? 
Jack,     {lanicty)     Er— :Mrs.  Herring. 

Mrs.  G.  Ah,  she's  been  overeating  again,  poor  dear. 
Now  for  it  !  Jack,  sit  where  I  can  see  you.  (indicating 
sofa  doini  l.  )     It  helps  me  to  control  my  language. 

Lady  D.  {at  back  of  table  L.  c.  ivIlo  lias  been  watching 
them,  sajjs  icith  an  air  of  great  sur^n-ise)  Surely  this  is 
]\Iiss  Marr's  engagement  ring — she  showed  it  to  me  at 
dinner,  {a.  pause — she  has  taken  it  from  the  table  idiere 
BiIjI^y  p)leiced  it  and  holds  it  vj}] 

Jack.  (l.  quickly  taking  it  from  her)  By  Jove,  yes.  I 
must  put  that  in  my  pocket.  I've  got  to  have  it  made 
smaller.  What  was  the  shop  I  was  ordered  to  go  to, 
Harry  ? 

Sir  H.  (rising  rather  nonpjluscd  for  the  moment)  Oh, 
that  place  in  Bond  Street,  you  know. 

Jack,  (checrfidlij)  That's  the  place— what  is  the  fel- 
low's name  ? 

Lady  D.      (c— suggesting    smiling)      Charbonnel   and 
Walker's. 
Jack.     That's  the  chap. 

Lady  D.  (u-ith  a  smile)  Their  chocolate  is  the  best  in 
London,  (look  between  Jack  and  Harry,  then  she  becomes 
very  curious  and  going  to  Jack  says  tohim  softly,  ^cith  great 
concern,  Sir  H.  sits  again  lower  r.  c.)  Oli,  Jack,  this  isn't 
because  of  what  I  said  to-day?    Oh,  don't  let  her  past  spoil 

her  future.     (Jack  begins  to  speak)     Hush 

Mrs.  G.  (r.  of  table.  Lady  D.  cotnes  to  L.  of  table  and  sits, 
Jack  up  r.  c.)  Now,  Lady  Duncan,  I'm  nearly  ready  for  'em. 
I'm  sure  vou  needn't  stay  here,  my  dear.  I've  got  all  I  can 
out  of  you  and  if  I've  told  you  once,  I've  told  you  twenty 
times  i  hate  females  to  mix  'emselves  up  in  my  troubles. 
(Jack  moves  up  c.)  A  man  or  two's  a  help,  but  women 
liave  no  staying  power,  they  chuck  you  just  wlien  you  want 
to  rely  on  'em.  You  want  to  see  the  rest  of  the  letters. 
{Jack  comes  down  back  of  table)  Don't  scowl.  Jack.  I've 
sliowed  lier  lots.  She  thougiit  she  recognised  tlie  writing 
but  couldn't  put  a  name  to  it,  so  I'm  going  to  show  her  all 


48  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

to  jog  her  memory.     Here's  «  harmless  one  for  a  wonder — 
only  a  tennis  party. 

Jack,  (hack  of  table  and  speaking  very  earncstlij)  Jlr.s. 
Greaves,  you  took  me  into  your  confidence  against  my  will ; 
surely  tliis  story  will  be  better  discussed,  if  discussion  is. 
essential,  quite  between  ourselves. 

Mrs.  G.  Not  at  all — no  hole-and-corner  business  for  me. 
Not  at  all.  I"]n  going  to  let  all  my  friends  and  my  luis- 
band's  friends  know  how  badly  I'm  being  treated.  Have 
a  jolly  good  flare  and  when  the  flare  burns  out  saj'  no  more 
about  it. 

Lady  D.  (touching  Jack's  arm)  Oh,  Jack,  you  might 
trust  me  a  little  ! 

]\Irs.  G.  Give  her  the  letter,  Jack,  it  isn't  a  glu-ghi 
one.  (she  JiandstJieletferto  Jack,  icJioJiandsit  on  to  Lady 
D.  Jack  goes  doirn  L.  She  glances  at  it.  Anxiously  to- 
Lady  D.)    Recognise  tiiat one?     (a pause) 

Lady  D.  (slie  looks  at  Jack,  sadly  returning  the  letter) 
No  !    (Jack  down  L.  sits  on  sofa) 

Mrs.  G.  (with  a.  snort)  Then  I  must  fall  back  on  the 
law.  Now  then,  Sir  harry,  this  is  my  case.  I  heard  tiiis 
afternoon  that  my  liusband,  prior  to  his  marriage  with  me, 
had  a  flat  in  138  Victoria  Street  where  he — well — enter- 
tained a  Wang. 

Sir  H.     (sonieichat  astonished)     I  beg  your  pardon. 

BIrs.  G.  (lirmly)  A  female  by  the  name  of  Wang.  Oh,. 
I've  got  all  her  letters. 

Sir  H.     But  2»'ior  to  your  marriage 

Mrs.  G.  Most  of  'em — not  all.  as  I  tell  you  tliere's  one 
later — objecting  to  the  wall  paper  in  the  pantrj-  ami  find- 
ing fault  with  the  ceiling,  just  as  if  she  was  his  lawful 
wife,  and  that's  a  AVaiig  as  well — isn't  that  a  proof?  (en- 
ter Butler  l.  2  e.  closes  door.  Mrs.  G.  sits  up  angiihj 
and  faces  Jiini)  Oh,  my  gracious — can't  I  be  sacred  in  the 
smoking  room  ?    Wliat  is  it  ? 

Butler.  Miss  IMarr's  compliments,  ma'am,  and  are  you 
likely  to  be  disengaged  soon  ?  She  would  like  particularly 
to  si)eak  to  you. 

Mrs.  G.  Tell  Miss  Marr  to  come  in  to  me  here.  I  can't 
say  how  long  I'll  be  before  I'm  out  of  this. 

Butler.  And  the  person  has  arrived,  ma'am,  in  answer 
to  your  telegram,  and  wants  to  know  when  you'd  be  pleased 
to  see  him. 

Mrs.  G.  Arrived!  has  he?  Show  him  here,  when  I 
ring — show  him  here,  (exit  Butler  l.  2  E.  slnits  door) 
Sir  Harr}',  j'ou'll  stand  by  me.  Jack  too.  Now  we'll  get 
at  the  truth  of  things. 

Jack.  (l.  of  sofa  anxiously — rises)  AVhat  person  has- 
arrived  ? 

Mrs.  G.     Sit    down,   Church.     (Jack    reseats    himself} 


BILLl'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  49 

Don't  let  the  cigar  out.  Law.  (Sir  Harry _/9»_^s  qnickhj 
seated  u.)  I'll  show  tliat  husband  of  mine  that  when  I 
make  up  my  mind  to  find  out  a  tiling,  I  find  it  out. 

Jack.     Wliat  have  you  done  now  ? 

Mrs.  G.  I've  found  out  tiie  way,  and  I'vegot  my  thumb 
on  tlie  hussy  (Lady  D.  r/.sY's  and  goes  to  table)  that  shared 
t!>at  flat  with  Jim  as  surely  as  my  name's  Jane  Greaves. 
(Lady  D..  jACKcnuiSiRH.  all  betraij  their  interest,  '-How? 
How  ?  ■'  Harry  (HK?  Jack  half  rise)  Oh,  I've  got  my  bomb- 
sliell  for  Master  Jimmy  and  his  Wang.  Ring  the  bell,  Sir 
Harry,  we'll  have  it  in.     (picks  iip  hag) 

(Billy  enters  l.  2  e.  Leaves  door  open  and  conies  cpiietli/ 
to  Mrs.  G.  Sir  H.  rings  hell  r.  ii.  Lady  D.  goes  up  to 
window  l.) 

Billy,  (pointedly  avoiding  noticing  Jack's  pleading 
■glances.  He  rises  on  Jicr  entrance,  she  crosses  to  table  L.  c. 
L.  of  it)  I'm  so  sorry  to  bother  j'ou,  Mrs.  Greaves,  when 
you're  so  busy,  but  I've  just  had  a  letter  from  mamma. 
Siie — she's  very  ill — she  wants  me  to  go  to  her. 

Mrs.  G.     M}^  dear  !     Not  serious?  '  (Jack  sits  again) 

Billy.  Oh  no,  but — it — it's  lonely  for  her  to  be  ill 
iimongst  all  tliose  friends  in  Paris — so  I  tliouglit  I'd  better 
go.  I'd  like  to  go  to-niglit,  I  could  catcli  I'.k;  ten  express. 
(Jack  never  takes  his  eyes  of  Billy) 

Mrs.  G.     Of  course — what  you  think  besr,  chihl. 

Billy,  (flushing)  But— but  it— it's  this— tliat  I  want 
to  speak  to  yon  about,  it's  awfully  awkward,  but — but  I 
can't  go — I — I've  no  money  at  all — not  a  sixpence.  My  al- 
lowance is  a  week  overdue.  The}'  must  have  forgotten  to 
send  it.     Will  you 

Mrs.  G.  (breaking  in  iinpiilsivehj)  Lend  you  twenty, 
my  dear  ?  Of  course.  Wish  it  were  a  hundred,  (takes 
votes  out  of  bag) 

Billy.  Oh  no,  five  will  be  heaps,  really.  I  thought  I 
.sliould  have  had  some  to-day  but — 

Butler,  (announcing)  Mr.  Hagson !  (Lady"  Du>X'an 
i;t(irts  in  horror) 

Lady  D.     Hagson  !     (Jack  irutches  her) 

■\Irs.  G.  (putting  notes  on  table^proudly)  My  bomb- 
shell !  He  valeted  Jim  in  the  flat,  and  if  he  can't  describe 
tlie  lady  I'll  eat  mj'  head.  (Lady  D.  looks  hurriedly  round 
the  room  to  door  L.  2  E.,  inoi'cs  towards  it,  then  icith  sudden 
resolution  swee2)s  round  to  'Bii.L.Y.  Lady  D.  makes  up  her 
mind  (piickly,  puts  her  arm  round  Bill\''s  icaist  and  say- 
ing su-eetly) 

Lady  D.     Come,  dear!     (she  turns  with  her  and  tcalks 
Jier  up  c.  back  of  table  to  the  back,  by  windoxti  K.  c.     Jack 
-tratches  her  keenly,  an  idea  of  the  truth  beginning  to  dawn 
4Jn  him  .     Jack  moves  xip  l.  c.  to  back  of  table) 
4 


50  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

Mrs.  Cr.  (fluttering  irith  importance)  Now  tlien  I 
Order  !  (imts  hatj  doicn  on  floor)  Sir  Harrjs  mind  you  take 
your  notes  of  this  conversation.  Jack,  look  as  like  the 
church  as  vou  can  to  keep  him  off  lies  and  perjury. 

Sir  H.    \h(ilf-rising)     But  my  dear  Mrs.  Greaves 

Mrs.  G.  Oil,  I'm  past  butting,  Sir  Harry.  (Hagson 
enters -L.  2.  v..)  I'm  going  through  with  this,  {alie pulls 
at  her  lace  and  gets  herself  ready  for  the  fray,  tJiea  says 
icith  icy  grandeur)    Good  evening,  Jlr.  Hagson  ! 

Hag.  (l.  c. — u-ho  is  a  very  respectable  looking  man- 
servant, hut  obviously  very  nervous  and  ill  at  ease)  Good- 
evening,  ma'am. 

]\Irs.  G.  {aside  to  Jack  xv'to  is  back  of  table)  Jack,, 
apologise  for  me.  I  said  good-evening  to  the  prisoner,  I 
mean  the  witness.  But  there,  he  looks  tlie  sort  of  man 
wlio  should  be  both.  (Jack  goes  down  to  sofa  and  sits. 
Tlien  she  adopts  the  tone  of  a  brow-beating  cross-ex- 
aminer) Nowthen,  Mr.  Hagson— (Hagsox  movestowards 
her,  Butler  exits,  closing  door)  I  know  all  about  you  from 
your  sister-in-law,  who  was  Lady  Roop's  housekeeper. 
Don't  twiddle  your  hat,  stand  on 'both  legs,  and  control 
yourself.     "Where  were  you  in  1901. 

Hag.     Beg  pardon,  ma'am  ! 

Mrs.  G.  Don't  hedge— I  know  !  You  valeted  Mr.  James 
Greaves  while  he  occupied  a  flat  three  doors  off  an  Aerated 
Bread  shop  in  Victoria  Street. 

Hag.     (after  a  pause)     Yes'm. 

Mrs.     That  flat  was  also  occupied  b}'  a 

Hag.     (quickly)     Oh  no,  mum  ! 

Mrs.  G.  (pointing  to  Jack.  Hagsox  turns  and  looksr 
at  Jack)  This  gentleman's  going  into  the  cluu-eh.  Don't- 
lie  or  perjure.  Keep  your  eye  on  him,  and  think  you've 
kissed  the  book.  Noiv  (Hag.  turns  back  toroai-ds  Jane) 
for  wiiat  sum  of  money  do  you  tliink  you  could  remember 
this  lady's  name? 

Hag.'  (getting  very  perplexed)     "Well— mum 

Mrs.  G.     Do  you  think  you  could  do  it  for  ten  jjounds? 

Hag.     No,  mum. 

Mrs.  G.    Twenty  pounds  ? 

Hag.     No,  mum  ! 

Mrs.  G.     Fifty  pounds? 

Hag.  (jJasses  liis  hand  across  his  forehead  in  great  dis- 
tress)    Well,  mum 

Mrs.  G.     Well,  sir 

Hag.  (icith  a  gnl}))  Don't  seem  as  if  I  could  call  tO' 
mind  the  name,  mum. 

IMrs.  G.     Could  you  describe  her  for  fifty  poumls? 

Hag.  (rather  quickly,  much  perplexed)  AVelL,  as  to- 
describing 

Mrs.  G.     Doit!     The  money's  yours.     (^  pa»S(?— Lady 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  51 

D.  and  BIlly  still  at  hacJc  in  alcoi'e.  Before  he  can  speaJc, 
Lady  D.  turns  swiftly  from  alcove,  and  walks  boldly  dou'ii 
c.  still  u-ith  her  ana  round,  Billy  and  looking  Hag. 
straight  in  the  eye  says) 

Lady  D.  But,  dear  Mrs.  Greaves,  if  the  man  knows  the 
lad}'  and  went  to  her,  it  niiglit  be  worth  mucli  more  to  liim 
to  liold  liis  tongue.  (botJi  Jack  and  Sir  II.  are  leatcliing 
Lady  D.  u-ith  great  intentness) 

Mrs.  G.  That's  the  worst  of  females,  they  will  chip  in. 
Here's  3'our  fifty  pounds.  What  was  she  like  ?  (Lady  D. 
and  Billy  botli  stare  at  Hag.  Billy  because  she  doesn't 
knoiv  what  it's  all  about,  Lady  D.  because  she  daren't  lose 
his  eye) 

Hag.  {icith  a  sudden  burst)  I  couldn't  rightly  say, 
them  sort  is  mostly  fair  or  dark  or  different — they  varies. 
I  don't  remember. 

Mrs.  G.  {rising  and  leaning  across  table)  I'll  give 
you  a  hundred  for  her  name. 

Hag.     {after  a  long  pause)     I  forget  it. 

Mrs.  G.     For  her  description  ! 

Hag.  {looking  at  Lady  D.)  No  good.  I  shouldn't) 
know  her  if  I  saw  her  right  before  my  eyes.  (Sir  H.  rises, 
Mrs.  G.  sinks  back  in  chair) 

Lady  D.  {irith  a  sigli  of  relief,  u'hich  she  turns  into  a 
light  laugh)  I  think  your  liusband  may  congratulate  him- 
self on  liis  late  valet  (rt  j>o».se.  Lady  D.  and  Billy  up 
stage  c. ) 

Sir  H.     Shall  I  ring,  Mrs.  Greaves  ? 

Mrs.  G.  {tlinging  herself  back  in  the  chair)  Ring — ring  ! 
Yes.  Wring  his  neck — and — send  him  to  the  kitchen  for 
some  soup.  (Jack  i-ises  and  inoves  \ip,  viaking  motions  to 
Hag.  to  go.     Hag.  at  door  l.  bous  all  round) 

Hag.  Good  evening,  gentlemen.  Good  evening,  ladies. 
Good  evening,  mum. 

Mrs.  G.  {fiercely)  Rats,  man,  rats  !  I'll  send  j-ou  the 
cheque  for  coming  in  the  morning,  {exit  Hag.  solemnly 
L.  3.  E.) 

Lady  D.  {upn.  c.  very  soorhinghj)  Oh,  .Lane,  you  see, 
what  use  is  it  trying  to  find  out  ?  It's  past.  Let  it  remain 
past.     Don't  you  think  so.  Miss  Marr  'i 

Billy,  (r.  of  Lady  D.)  I  haven't  an  idea  m  hat  you're 
all  talking  about,     {she  goes  up  c.) 

Lady  D.  {loith  a  lift  of  her  eyebrou-s)  Oli,  I  thought 
you'd  guess,  {up  c.  and  to  ivindoic  L.  c.  Jack  movea 
doum  L.  to  sofa,  back  to  audience) 

Mrs.  G.  (Jxck  down  L.  h.  again)  Refuses  a  hundred  t 
Is  the  man  made  of  money  ?  I— I'll  give  him  a  day  to 
sleep  on  it,  and  I'll  offer  him  five  hundred  pounds,  but  tlie 
trutli  I'll  have  if  it  costs  me  a  thousand,  {she  puts  let- 
ters, etc.,  back  in  bag)    He'll  be  sorry  he  refused  a  hundred 


52  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

in  the  muniing,  and  he'll  write  me  a  letter  making  an 
offer.  I'll  wait.  No  good  throwing  good  money  after  a 
bad  husband,  is  it?  (rising)  Mr.  Lawyer,  barrister,  Sir 
Harry?  Well,  tliere — you  want  five  pounds,  my  dear,  to 
turn  to  more  pleasant  things.  (Mrs.  G.  crosses  to  L.  of 
table — Lady  D.  comes  down  slowly) 

Billy,  (to  r.  of  table)  It's  awfuliy  good  of  you,  Mrs. 
Greaves.  (Jane  takes  bank-note  from  portemonnaie  and 
gives  Billy  one  during  the  following.  Billy  goes  down  R. 
Mrs.  G.  sits  L.  of  table  and  takes  out  letters  again) 

Lady  D.  {loho  has  gradually  become  conscious  of  Jack's 
keen  scrutiny  of  her — goes  to  him,  tcJiispers  inquiringly)  I 
was  right,  Jack,  wasn't  I  ?  It  was  no  good  allowing  the 
wretch  to  speak. 

Jack.  (cto«-»  l.  h.  looking  at  her  steadily)  I'm  not  quite 
so  sure  of  that,  (thoi  under  his  breath — sternly)  You 
knew  Mr.  Hagson — where  have  you  met  before?  (she 
looks  at  him  for  an  instant,  then  laughs  a  little) 

Lady  D.  You're  a  very  odd  young  fellow,  Mr.  Frere. 
(she  turns  from  him  up  L.  c. — he  watches  her  for  a  moment, 
then  goes  to  Billy,  holding  out  his  hand) 

Jack,  (crosses  to  c.  front  of  table)  Y^'ou're  not  angry 
with  me  still,  are  you,  Billy  ? 

Billy.  (R.  C.  drawing  herself  up— haughtily)  Only  my 
friends  call  me  Billy,  Mi-.  Frere. 

Jack.  (c. — softly)  How  tired  j-ou  must  be  of  hearing 
the  name,  (she  turns  her  bf(ck  on  him  xrith  a  disdainful  sn  iff 
— to  R.    Sits  in  lower  arm-chair.     Sir  H.  tries  to  pacify  her) 

Mrs.  G.  (seated  l.  of  tcdile.  ^Vho  had  been  regaling 
herself  icith  bits  of  the  various  letters  that  are  on  the  table 
— suddenly  snorts)  Here,  Jack,  you've  been  very  good  at 
explaining  these  letters  away. — What  do  j'ou  make  of  this  ? 

Jack.  (c.  turns  on  her  almost  fiercely)  For  heaven's 
sake  don't  read  it  now. 

Mrs.  G.     (asfonisJtcd)     Why  not? 

Jack,     (across  table)     I — I  have  a  reason. 

Mrs.  G.     What  reason  ? 

Jack,  (quickly  trying  to  restrain  her — and  casting  an 
anxious  look  at  Billy)  I'll  tell  you  afterwards,  (sits  R. 
of  table) 

Mrs.  G.  Pooh  !  Mark  the  artfulness  of  the  begin- 
ning. No  "  sweets  or  darlings '' — oh  no — this  isn't  an  ordi- 
nary love  letter.  Listen  !  (Mrs.  G.  exclaims  dramatically 
letter  in  hand)     "  Oh  my  Toodles " 

Billy,     (starting  vj)  from  chair)     What? 

Jack,      (rising — checking  her)     Be  quiet. 

Billy,  (r.  c.)  Mr.  Frere!  (reseats  herself.  Jack 
goes  up  R.  c.) 

Mrs.  G.  (seated  L.  of  table,  looking  round  at  them,  in 
surprise)     What's  up  ? 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  53 

Lady  D.  (dotcn  L.  of  Jane— .soof ///»(////)  Please  read 
no  inoie.  it  only  de|>resses  you. 

Mks.  (t.  (shortly)  Don't  keep  chipping  in.  I  like 
being  depressed — It's  the  only  comfort  I've  got.  (Billy 
aghast  and  bewildered  in  aria-ehair  r.) 

Lady  D.  (l.  to  Mrs.  G.,  gently  cvposfulafing)  But  Miss 
Man- — (Jack  comes  doicn  a  little.     Lady  D.  goes  up  l.) 

I\Irs.  G.  (l.  c.  looks  I'ound  at  Billy,  tcJio  is  still  quite 
iost  ill  amazement)  Quite  right — slie's  too  young,  (she 
glares  at  letter)  Toodles  indeed.  Ha  !  and  tlie  last  line 
"  I  like  j'ou  ever — ever — ever  so  without  yt)ur  moustache." 
(she  repeats  scornfully)  Ever — ever — ever  so — Brazen 
face  !  "  We  shall  meet  in  the  old  spot  to-morrow,  Toodles 
dear,  it  seems  years  off  to  your  impatient  but  loving 
Wang."  (Sir  H.  and  Jack  go  np.  Billy  n-ho  has  been 
listening  in  amazement  to  the  letter.  ?'/.s(\s-  a)id  o'osses  to  R. 
vf  t(d>Ie  in  great  excitement,  and  says  chokingly) 

Billy.     Mrs.  Greaves — that  letter — 

Mrs.  G,  (looking  at  her  in  great  swyrise)  Yes.  my 
dear,  don't  tell  me  you  know  any  one  of  the  name  of  AVang. 

Jack,  (quickly  interposing,  down  c.  At  Intck  of  table) 
No.  she  doesn't,  of  course  she  doesn't,  (then  fiercely) 
Why  do  you  want  to  drag  everybody  into  this  miserable 
business. 

Mrs.  G.  (rises — rounding onhim)  Miserable  business — 
Jack — (Lady  D  :  crosses  to  c.  at  back). 

Billy,  (r.  c.  pointing  at  letters  with  a  Jicind  that  shakes 
— says  chokingly)    You  found  tlio^e  letters — 

Mrs.  G.  (l.  c.  inter ruptinej)  I  found  these  letters  with- 
in my  husband's  desk,  (a  pause — Billy  turns  and  look  at 
Jack,  u-ho  is  above  tcd^le) 

Billy,  (c.  speaking  very  sloicly)  And  Mr.  Frere  has 
read  tiiem — 

Jack.     (r.  c.  quickly)     Billy,  for  heaven's  sake — 

Billy,     (coldly)     Don't  calf  me  Billy,  please  ! 

Lady  D.  (»jj  r.  c.)  Oh,  don't  say  you  dear  people  have 
quarrelled — 

Mrs.  G.  (looking  from  Billy  to  Jack  in  amazement) 
Quarrelled — already'/ 

Jack,     (despairingly)     No,  we've  not. 

Billy,  (stamps)  Yes,  we  have  !  (then  she  resumes  her 
dignified  air)  That  is  to  say  we  have  realized  that  our  en- 
gagement was  a  mistake,  that's  all.  (Mrs.  G.  gathers  vp 
letters  from  table  and  moves  doicn  to  sofa  i^.,  reticule  on 
sofa ) 

Lady  D.     (sympathetically)     Oh   don't  say  that,     (goes 

Vj>) 

Jack,     (crossing  to  L.    then  below  table   to   I5iLLY)     We 
liaven't  realised  any  sucli  thing.     Billy,  how  can  you? 
Billy,     (glaring'at  Ja<jk  furiously)    Don't  call  me  Billy, 


54  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

please,  (becomes  stiddenly  very  calm,  ei^osses  in  front  of 
table  L.  C  )  Mrs.  Greaves,  you  want  to  know  wlio  wrote 
those  letters  signed  Wang  !     (Lady  D.  comes  doicii  sloirhj) 

Jack.     (r.  c.)    No.  slie  doesn't.  .- 

Mrs.  G.  (at  sofa  L,.)  Yes,  I  do.  I\i  sell  my  eye-teetli 
for  the  information. 

Lady.  D.  {doivn  r.  of  Billy,  jndting  her  arm  in  Billy's- 
quickly)  Come  away,  dear,  you  don't  know  what  you're 
doing. 

Billy,  (sluiking  herself  clear  o/Lady  D.,  tcho  turns  \ip 
c.  Billy  over  to  l.  c.  turns  %ip  her  nose  to  Jack  as  slie 
passes  hiv))  Leave  me  alone.  I  do  know  what  I'm  doing, 
thank  you.  Lady  Duncan,  (dou-n  to  L.  C.)  Mrs.  Greaves, 
I  wrote  that  letter  to  ^Ir.  Greaves,  and  about  the  time  I 
wrote  that  I  wrote  many  more.  I  hope  you  have  given  Mr. 
Frere  every  opportunity  of  discussing  all  of  them  with  j'ou. 

Jack,     (c.)     Billy,  Billy— how  could  I  help  it  ? 

Billy,  (l.  c.  u-ifli  great  sarcasm)  I  quite  see  what  a 
temptation  it  must  have  been,  (fo  Sir  H.)  '"Better  find 
these  things  out  too  soon  than  too  late."  (Harry  sneaks 
iy>  to  fireplace) 

Jack,  {is  beginning  to  get  quite  desperate)  Oh,  my  dear, 
m}-  dear,  do  let  me  put  this  straight.  (BiLLY'  again  turns 
her  back  on  Itim) 

Mrs.  G.  (seated  on  sofa — she  had  been  completely  dum- 
founded  by  Billy's  confession — jitdls  herself  together  suf- 
ficiently to  gasp  breathlessly)     You  wrote  these  letters? 

Billy.  Yes.  {crosses  to  r.  c.  Harry'  comes  foricard  to 
explain.  She  turns  her  back  on  him,  and  goes  up  a  little. 
Lady  D.  crosses  back  of  table  to  L.  and  down  to  sofa) 

Lady  D.  {endeavouring  to  culm  Mrs.  G.)  Oh  Jane,  I 
think— 

Mrs.  G.  {with  a  snort  of  fury)  Think  !  I'll  think — 
when  I  swallow  this.  She  wrote  these  letters!  {rises 
and  goes  to  L.  of  table,  has  several  letters  ivith  her) 

Jack.  (r.  off  table,  quite  desperate — bangs  on  the  table) 
Once  for  all  let's  put  this  matter  straight. 

Mrs.  G.  (l.  of  table,  shrilly)  Put  this  straight?  If 
there's  any  putting  things  straightener. 

Lady  D'  (l.  o/'Jane)  Much  kinder  to  hush  it  up.  Oh 
do.  for  my  sake,  Jane. 

Mrs.  G.  (going  to  sofa,  sits  and  picks  up  letters)  I  will 
not  hush  it  up  for  j-our  sake  or  anybody  else's,  (she  goes 
to  sofa,  Billy  standing  haughtily  \i.  of  the  room,  her  hands 
clenched,  glaring  at  Jack)  You  wrote  'em  !  This — thi.s. 
and  thi.s — you  wrote  'em  !  Billy  jMarr,  I  know  j'our 
mother,  don't  look  me  in  the  face  and  tell  me  that  you're 
Wang. 

Billy,  (haughtily)  I  was  Wang.  (Mrs.  G.  collapses 
on  sofa) 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  55, 

Jack,     {c.—to  BihhY—hotlu)     I  won't  allow— 

Billy,  (r.  c.  intcrrvptiiKj  fwrceli/)  And  what's  more 
I'm  not  aslianied  to  own  it,  Mrs.  Greaves,  {fheii  u'itJi  bitter 
scorn)  If  yon  will  have  copies  made  of  all  tliose  letters, 
Mr,  Frere  wonld  donbtless  get  np  a  debate  abont  them  at 
his  clnb. 

Jack.  Billy,  if  you  go  on  like  this,  you'll  make  me 
angry. 

Billy,     (calmhj)     Oh  indeed  ! 

Jack,     (c.)     Be  quiet !     Sit  down  and  listen  to  reason. 

Mrs.  G.     She'll  have  to  sit  up  and  listen  to  my  lawyer. 

Lady  D.     (l.  0/ Jane)     Oh,  Jane— be  gentle. 

Mrs.  G.  {angrihj  shaking  her  off)  Don't  keep  chijiping 
in  ! 

Lady  D.     The  dear  cliild  can  explain  it  all. 

Mrs.  G.  She  shall  explain  it  all— and  it'll  take  her  all 
her  time.     (Lady  D.  goes  vp  to  loindoiv  L.  a))d  looks  out) 

Jack,  (turning  to  Mrs.  G.  below  tabh')  She  shall  do 
notliing  of  tlie  sort. 

Billy,  {turning  fiercebj  on  Jack)  She  will  do  as  she 
pleases,  and  she  begs  that  you'll  not  interfere. 

Mrs.  G.  (waving  another  letter,  u-hich.  she  picks  up  from 
those  on  sofa,  laughs  Inistericallij)  Ha — ha —  !  poetry  upon 
my  word.  ''When  I  look  from  my  window  I  see  your 
face,  5'our  eyes  reflected  from  tlie  sky.  Don't  you  wisli  we 
were  birds,  Toodles  ?  "  (Jack  xi-ho  is  belou^  table  takes 
letter  from  her  and  tears  it  vp  and  tltroics  pieces  on  stage^ 
goes  up  c.  a  little) 

Mrs.  G.     (l.)     You  wrote  that  rubbisli? 

Billy,  (r. — dejlantly)  I  did — but  it  didn't  seem  rub- 
bish then. 

Jack,  (moving  to  c.)  It  wasn't  rubl)isli  tlien,  you 
tliought  j'ou  loved  him.     Billy,  I  mulerstand. 

Mrs.  G.  Jack  !  Jack  !  get  out  of  tlie  way.  How  can 
I  see  througli  you.  (he  goes  tip  c.  ]Mrs.  G.  rises  and 
comes  to  L.  C.)  Perhaps  Miss  Marr  will  tell  me  wliether 
she  knows  anything  of  a  flat  at  loS  third  floor  Victoria 
Strefit. 

Jack,  (coming  doini  l,.C.,  furiouslj  turning  to  Jaxk) 
Mrs.  Greaves,  how  dare  j'ou  ? 

Billy,  (starting  forward  a  little  to  R.  c.)  Wliat  do 
you  mean  by  that  ? 

Mrs.  G.  (l.  c.)  Wasn't  my  question  clear  ?  But  tliere, 
I  quite  understand,  j'OU  never  were  near  sucli  ii  i)lace. 
Quite  riglit  not  to  incriminate  yourself,  {goes  back  to' 
sofa.  Jack  crosses  at  back  to  R.  and  meets  Sir  H.,  Ihei/ 
confer  for  a  moment) 

Billy.  (R.  c,  looking  round  haughtiln  at  tdl  of  them) 
I  was  near  such  a  place,  as  it  liappens.  I  liveil  therefor 
some  time. 


56  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

I\rRS.  G.  (sits  on  sofa  L.)  That's  right.  Beautiful  can- 
dour I 

Lady  D.  (don-n  to  above  table— to  Billy)  OIi  my 
ilear— do,  do  exphiin— tell  them— Oh,  say— that— tliat  your 
— Oh — tliat  your  uiotlier  was  with  you  all  the  time — or — 

Billy,  (r.  c.)  What  are  you  talking  about':'  My 
mother  iras  with  me  all  the  time. 

Lady  D.  (n-ltJt  a  smile)  There!  I  knew  she  was. 
Tliere,  Jane,  see  how  unkind  you  are.  Her  mother  was 
with  her  all  the  time. 

Mrs.  G.  {rises)  Very  clever— very  smart  of  vou.  Lady 
Duncan.  Perhai^s  you'll  stop  chipping  in  with  people's 
mothers.  I  dare  say  Miss  Marr  can  trot  out  her  own  rela- 
tions without  help  from  you.  But  her  mother  won't  wash, 
my  dear.  I  can  see  through  a  brick  wall  as  far  as  most 
jieople,  and  Miss  Willielmina  Marr's  mother  on  this  oc- 
casion will  not  wash.     (Lady  D.  goes  m}) 

Billy,  (crosses  to  table  r.  c,  r.  of  it)  I  can't  see  what 
all  the  fuss  is  about.  If  I  was  foolish  enough  to  write  silly 
letters  to  my  cousin,  it  is  my  affair  and  his  affair,  and 
tliere's  an  end  of  tiie  matter. 

Mrs.  G.  (rises)  You  dare  to  say  that  to  me  ?  Oh,  to 
think  that  I  should  live  to  call  you  hussy  !  (Jack  leaves 
Sir  H.  and  goes  doira  n.) 

Billy,     (iiaughtil)/)    Mrs.  Greaves ! 

Mrs.  G.  Don't  "Mrs.  Gieaves"  me.  The  sooner  you 
catcii  the  ten  o'clock  train  tlie  better  pleased  I'll  be.  I — I 
— Lord  forgive  me,  for  turning  your  mother's  daughter  out 
of  doors,  (sits  on  sofa.  BiLLY'  crosses  R.,  then  goes  up, 
crosses  L.  at  back  of  stage  then  crosses  R.  then  comes  doicn) 

Jack,  (coming  L.  c.  belou-  table)  Mrs.  Greaves.  I  will 
Hot  tolerate  sucii  an  iniquitous  proceeding.  For  Heaven's 
sake  think  of  what  people  will  say.  (to  BiLLY)  Billy,  for 
the  love  of  heaven,  don't  let  j-our  perfectly  natural  anger 
drive  you  into  such  a  false  position.  Give  us  the  facts,  ex- 
plain this  silly  business.  Mrs.  Greaves  is  groping  absinxUy 
in  the  dark.  Explain  it,  and  she'll  gladly  apologise  to 
you. 

Mrs.  G.  (leaning  back  on  sofa  iciih  a  snort)  Apol- 
ogise !     1!     That's  likely! 

Billy,  (r.  of  table— picking  np  "  Globe  ''—reads  bitterly) 
"  Get  her  to  explain  once  and  for  all  and  have  done  with  it." 
(then  she  crushes  up  paper  fiercchj  and  throws  it  at  his  feet) 
Suppose  I  don't  choose  to  explain. 

Jack,  (bursting  out)  Don't  be  so  ]»ig-headed.  (she 
turns  np  stage  and  crosses  to  L.  of  table  back  of  it— and 
ilien  crosses  R.  and  sits  up  r.  till  end  of  speech.  He 
■checks  himself)  I  beg  pardon,  but,  oh,  Billy,  think— look 
nt  the  impression  you're  conveying  not  to  me,  but  to  these 
ladies.    (Mrs.  Greayes  gives  a  notlicr  .^hort  snort  of  derision. 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  57 

Jack  turns  on  her  angrily — lie  is  still  below  table)  Mrs. 
Greaves,  will  you,  for  ]ieaven"s  sake,  be  patient,  and  go  into 
this  matter  quietly.  Don't  you  see  that  the  idea  of  Miss 
Marrever  looking  at  such  a  man  as  your  husband  is  ridic- 
ulous. (Sir  II.  over  against  mantel^ace  doicn — trying 
to  hide  his  laughter) 

Mrs.  G.     (rising)    What ! 

Jack.  I  don't  mean  that,  I  mean  Miss  Marr  has  promised 
to  be  my  wife. 

Mrs.  G.  That  was  before  these  revelations — now  like  a 
wise  man  you've  broken  it  off.     (Billy  sits  up) 

Jack,     (angrily)     I've  not  broken  it  off — I — 

Mrs.  G.     Be  thankful  I've  opened  your  eyes,     (sits  sofa) 

Jack.  Ojiened  my  eyes  !  How  dare  you  !  (he  becomes- 
sjJeechless) 

Billy,  (rises  and  down  r.  c.  coldly)  If  you'll  kindly 
order  a  carriage  I  will  leave  3'our  house  at  once. 

Jack,     (c.)     Where  to  go? 

BiLLY.  I  shall  go  to  Paris  to-night.  (Sir  Harry  comes 
doiru  R. ) 

Lady  D.  (above  table  toTiiU-r^  as  if  expostulating)  My 
dear,  Mr.  Greaves  goes  to  Paris  to-night,  (looks  at  Iter 
amazed) 

Mrs.  G.  (rises)  "What?  There's  your  young  woman  of 
to-day  !  Borrows  a  fiver  from  tlie  deluded  wife  to  pny 
her  fare  to  Paris  with  the  husband,  (sinlcs  back  on  the 
sofct) 

Billy,  (stamping — crossing  to  Jane)  How  dare  you 
say  such  a  thing!  Oh,  how  dare  you?  (she  tears  vp 
note  furiously  and  flings  it  at  MRii.  G.'s  feet)  There's  the 
money,  you  wicked,  wicked  woman. 

Mrs.  G.  (amazed)  My  money,  look  at  it !  Oh  how  I 
could  express  myself  if  only  my  breathing  weren't  so 
short !  (Jack  goes  vp  c.  and  doivn  L.  c.  Sir  H.  goes  up  r. 
and  doicn  again.     Lady  D.  goes  douii  L.  and  up  again) 

Billy.  I  won't  touch  a  penny  of  it.  (crosses  R.)  I'll 
v.'alk  to  the  station  and  telegraph  to  mother  to  send  me 
sufficient  to  take  me  away  from  liere.  (turns  to  c. 
Action,  all  characters  except  Jane  move  to  and  fro  <(nd 
finish  in  the  same  situation) 

Jack,  (as  they  stop  icalking,  faces  Billy  c— firmly) 
You  don't  leave  this  house  until  tlie  truth  is  known,  and 
Mrs.  Greaves  and  others  (he  looks  pointedly  at  Lady  D. 
tvho  is  at  chair  L.  oft(d)le)  liave  apologised. 

Mrs.  G.  It's  my  house,  Mr.  Frere,  and  she  leaves  it  as 
soon  as  possible. 

Billy.  Slie  leaves  it  now.  I'm  going  to  the  station  to 
telegraph  now. 

Jack,  (quietly)  You  can't  do  that.  You  .say  you  have, 
no  money. 


38  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

Billy,  (icith  great  ilignity)  I  dare  say  I  can  borrow 
Iialf-a-cro\vn. 

JIrs.  (t.  (on  sofa  l.  slmttiug  %ip  her  reticule,  quiddy) 
After  the  way  you've  behaved  to  my  fiver — once  bit  twice 
•shy.     {picks  up  reticule  as  if  to  guard  it) 

Jack.  And  it's  no  good  looking  at  me.  Not  a  farthing 
do  you  get.  It's  my  duty  to  see  tliat  you  don't  leave  this 
liouse  until  they've  all  apologised. 

Billy,  (r.  c.  turning  qnicklij  to  Sir  H.  r.)  Sir 
Harry,  you'll  lend  me  two  shillings  ?  (Sir  H.  feels  fur  the 
monetj) 

Jack,  {doicn.  C.)  At  your  peril,  Harry.  She's  my 
future  wife  and  I'm  going  to  manage  this  affair. 

Billy,  (r.  c.  turning  on  him  xcith  scorn).  Your  future 
wife  !  I  tell  you,  Mr.  Frere,  if  there  wasn't  another  man 
in  the  world  I  wouldn't  marry  j-ou  now. 

Jack.  And  I  tell  you,  Miss  I\Iarr,  if  tliere  wasn't  anotlier 
woman  in  the  world  I'd  marry  you  whether  you  liked  it 
•or  not.     (Billy  iralks  to  r) 

Mrs.  G.  {on  sofa — staring  blankhj  at  J xck)  The  man's 
mad. 

Jack,  {over  to  Mrs.  G.)  Not  a  bit  of  it !  Mad— not  I ! 
{back  again  to  L.  c.  Billy  makes  a  quick  movement  to 
door — he  intercepts  her)  Stay  where  j^ou  are  till  I  clear 
this  up,     Y'ou've  no  money  so  it's  no  use  worrying. 

Billy,  (stamping  her  foot  and  hovering  on  the  brink  of 
tears)  I  hate  you.  Oh,  I  hate  you  all !  (Me  Butler  enters 
ivith  coffee  on  a  large  silver  salver  L.  2  E.  aiid  Billy  crosses 
L.  to  him.     He  places  tray  on  table  up  L.) 

Billy.     Yoxd,  {lietur)istolter)  lend  me  half-a-crown. 

Butler,  {a  little  astonislied)  Certainl\-,  Miss.  (He 
fumbles  for  the  foin  in  coin  j)nrse  u-hile  she  stands  icith  her 
hand  outstretched  glaring  defiance  at  Jack.  P"'ord  presents 
her  gravely  icith  the  coin,  ivliich  she  snatches.  Exit  Fordl., 
slintting  door) 

Jack,  (calmly — having  made  up  his  viind  to  accept  the 
inevitable)  As  it's  so  late  j^ou'll  have  to  telegra2>h  from 
the  station. 

Billy.     I  shall  telegraph  from  where  I  please. 

Jack,  (moving  down  r.)  Of  course  you  will.  Try  the 
coach  liouse  or  tlie  croquet  lawn.  (Billy  sniffs  back  her 
tears  and  marches  firmly  to  the  door  and  icith  her  nose  u-ell 
in  the  air.  As  she  gets  to  it,  she  returns  a  step  or  tico  and 
says  irith  great  dignity  to  Jane) 

Billy.  Mrs.  Greaves,  I  am  not  naturally  given  to  tell- 
ing stories  but  I've  told  you  one  to-night.  I've  had  no 
letter  from  my  mother,  she  is,  I  hope,  quite  well.  I  tell 
you  tiiis,  because  one  only  tells  little  lies  to  one's  friends — 
otlier  people  wouldn't  understand,  {she  stalks  out  a7id 
slams  the  door  l.  2  e.) 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  59 

Jack.  She's  going  because  she  thinks  I'm  a  cad.  Oh, 
mj^  gracious,  how  difficult  it  is  to  make  women  under- 
stand, (crosses  to  dtuir  R.  of  table— sits  in  it.  Sir  H.  sits 
in  (n-m-chair  doioi  R.) 

Mrs.  (Jr.  I  understand  perfectly.  You're  in  love,  Jack, 
your  brain  ain't  working.     (Lady  D.  comes  dotni) 

Lady  D.  (above  sofa)  But  one  must  admire  the  way 
the  dear  cliild  carries  it  off. 

Jack.  Carries  it  off  !  Why,  God  bless  me,  she  hasn't 
the  smallest  notion  of  tlie  preposterous  and  iniquitous 
things  you  are  thinking  about  her,  and  I'll  take  jully  good 
<^are  she  never  finds  it  out.  (jiicks  up  book  and  reads. 
Mrs.  G.  is  beginning  to  feel  the  effects  of  her  recent  excite- 
vient  and  shoivs symjitoms  of  approaching  tears) 

Mrs.  G.     I'm  an  unhappy  woman,  Lady  Duncan, 

Lady  D.     That's  all  riglit,  Jane. 

Mrs.  G.  Upon  my  word  I  wish  I'd  never  tried  to  find 
out  anything.  Billy,  Little  Billy  Marr  ;  and  I  was  so  fond 
of  her. 

Lady'  D.  Oh,  don't  give  way,  Jane.  Let's  bury  tliis 
painful  matter  once  for  all. 

Mrs.  G.  (rising  u-ith  decision)  I  will— upon  my  word 
I  will.    (Lady  D.  moves  up  a  little) 

Jack,  (closing  up  book  s/iorj^/?/)  Upon  my  word  you 
won't.    We'll  get  this  clear. 

Mrs.  G.     It  is  clear— she  owned  up— 

Jack,  Of  course  she  did,  but  to  what?  She  did  once 
when  little  more  than  a  school  girl,  think  she  was  in  love 
Avith  Jim,  she  did  write  those  silly  letters,  but  as  she  very 
justly  claims,  tliey  weren't  silly  then.  She's  right,  tliey 
were  very  beautiful  then.  I  confess  I  fail  to  see  either  wit 
or  wisdom  in  signing  herself  "  Wang." 

Mrs.  G.  ((plickhj)  Oh,  what  good  woman  Avould  do 
that?  I  should  like  to  see  the  man  who'd  dare  call  me 
*•  Wang." 

Jack,  (rounding  on  her  at  once)  And  I  shouldn't  blush 
with  pride  at  being  christened  "  Toodles."'  Come,  conie, 
Mrs.  Greaves,  be  sensible.  It  was  a  boy  and  girl  affair, 
over— dead  and  done  with  ages  before  you  married  him, 
believe  it — you  must  believe  it. 

Mrs.  G.  But  ti>e  flat— his  flat.  She  owned  she  lived 
there. 

Jack.  I  know  she  did.  Tenants  come  and  tenants  go, 
Mrs.  Greaves,  and  otliers  take  tiieir  place.  No,  no,  leave 
this  to  me. 

Mrs.  G.  (don-n  to  sofa—indicating  letters— finnli/)  Jnn 
shared  that  flat  with  somebody.  I  have  proof— heaps  of 
proof,  (sits  on  sofa,  pAcks  up  letters.  Lady  D.  l.  of  table 
above  chair  L.) 

Jack,     (still  seated  at  table  looking  for  pen  or  pencil)     I 


CO  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

know  j-ou  have.  Heaps  and  heaps  of  proof.  Jim  sliarecl 
tliat  flat  with  someone,  and  I'm  going  to  find  out  who 
that  sojneone  was.     Lend  me  your  pencil,  Lady  Duncan. 

Lady  D.  (with  an  niv  of  i)inocent  inquiry)  You  tliink 
you  know  something,  Mr.  Frere  ? 

Jack.     I  sliouUhi't  be  surprised  if  i  do,  Lad}-  Duncan. 

Lady  D.     What  are  you  going  to  do  ? 

Jack.  Tliere's  one  man  in  this  world  who  does  know 
■who  this  woman  is,  and  he's  got  to  pass  that  knowledge  on 
to  me. 

Lady  D.     (sviiiiiig)     He  won't. 

Jack.  He  will.  I'm  fighting  for  the  girl  I'm  going  to 
marry,  so  I  don't  mean  to  stick  at  trifles.  Lend  me  your 
pencil. 

Lady  D.     (with  a  smile)     What  man  is  this? 

Jack.     You'll  see.     He's  coming.     Your  pencil  please. 

Lady  D.  What  for?  (slie  lias  xinhooked  it  from  her 
hraeelet  and  gives  it  to  him) 

Jack,  (sitting  down  to  u-rite  R.  of  table)  I'm  going  to 
send  a  telegram  to  Jim. 

O.MNES.  (rise,  they  all  gas})  out  in  astonishment)  To 
Jim  ! 

J.\CK.  (looking  round  at  them  all  blandly)  Well,  he's 
bound  to  know  the  lady,  isn't  he  ! 

QUICK  CURTAIN. 

end  of   ACT  2. 


ACT  HI. 

Scene.— r/(C  oak  Indl.  Big  stained-glass  idndows  c.  Big 
fireplace  left.  Stairs  R.  c,  leading  to  gallery.  Large 
double  oak  doors,  both  inde  open  c,  shoioing  the  steps  on 
to  the  terrace  and  the  garden  beyond. 

Discovered.— Jack  Frere  in  boots  and  gaiters,  comes 
quickly  in  door  L.  1  E.  as  Fielding,  Miss  Marr's  viaid 
conies  down  steps  r. 

Jack.  (l.  C.)  Ah  !  there  you  are— what's  Miss  JIarr 
doing  now  ? 

MxiX).     (r.  c.)     Still  trying  to  write  that  letter,  sir. 

Jack,  (delighted)  Is  she  really?  How  many  does  that 
make  ? 

Maid.  It's  the  seventh  I've  seen  her  begin,  nearly  finish 
and  tear  up. 

Jack.  Have  all  her  boxes  been  sent  to  the  wrong  sta- 
tion ? 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  61 

Maid.     ()iO(lding  very  gravely)     All  of  "em,  sir. 

Jack,  (rubbi)ig  his  hands  and  chuckling)  And  that's  a 
five-mile  drive — splendid.  Then  witli  any  luck  she's  bound 
to  miss  tlie  train. 

Maid.  (r.  v.  detnurehj)  Bound  to  miss  all  the  morning 
trains,  sir.  It'll  be  quite  half-an-hour  before  I  find  out  I'm 
at  the  wrong  station,  and  I  shall  have  her  ticket  and  all  her 
money,  sir. 

Jack.  (c.  qniclhj  to  himself)  Where  did  she  get  the 
money  ? 

Maid.     I  had  some  by  me,  sir. 

Jack.  You're  a  good  girl,  but  that  was  foolish,  {he 
gives  her  a  soivreign) 

Maid,  {curtsey)  Thank  you,  sir.  I'd  better  start,  sir. 
{moivs  up  G.) 

Jack.  Yes — start  away,  {the  Maid  goes  off  c.  to  L. 
Standing  by  neicel x>ost- -rubbing  his  hands)  She's  writing 
all  tliose  letters  to  me — bless  her.  (Butler  crosses  hall 
from  L.  2  E.  into  breakfast  room  R.  2  E.  As  the  door  is 
open  bursts  of  laughter.  At  newel  post.  To  Butler) 
Who's  breakfasting  ? 

Butler.  Lady  Duncan  and  some  of  the  gentlemen,  sir. 
{stojiping  about  R.  c.  he  goes  into  breakfast  room  after  Sir 
H.  has  come  out.  Sir  H.  comes  out  laughing  heartily. 
Jack  is  x>crpetually  glancing  up  to  the  gallery,  round  the 
hall  expecting  Billy's  arrival) 

SirH.     (r.)    Hullo! 

Jack,  {up  j^.  q.  turning  tohim)  Hullo!  {coming  doion 
to  front  of  table  L.  c.) 

Sir  H.  {coming  to  c.  r.  of  table)  There's  no  mistake 
about  it,  slie  can  be  devilish  amusing  when  she  tries. 
She's  just  told — {he  stops)  Oh,  I  forgot,  you  don't  see  the 
point  of  amusing  stories  just  now,  do  j'ou? 

Jack.     (l.  c.)     Oli,  yes,  I  do — if  they  are  amusing. 

SirH.     (c.)     What  news? 

Jack.  Well,  Jim  ouglit  to  be  here  by  now — so  ought 
that  fellow  Hagson. 

Sir  H.     And  Miss  Marr  ?    {gravely) 

Jack,  {looking  at  his  u-atch)  She  leaves  in  aoout  five 
minutes,  but  she'll  miss  the  train,  for  I've  had  her  traps 
sent,  as  if  by  accident,  to  the  wrong  station — there's  no 
otlier  train  for  two  Jiours,  so  she'll  either  liave  to  wait  at 
tile  station  or  come  back  here — it  doesn't  matter  which — 
she'll  be  getable  any  waj'. 

Sir  H,  Oh,  that's  your  news — you've  not  heard  mine. 
She's  hooked  the  millionaire. 

Jack,     {looking  up  surprised)     Lady  Duncan  ? 

Sir  II.  Yes.  Siie  was  in  the  devil's  own  hurry  evidently 
— all  happened  after  our  little  scene  last  night.  She  is 
smart,  you  know,  and  he  announced  the  engagement  to  us 


02  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR, 

all  this  morning  at  breakfast,  and  'pon  my  soul,  my  lady 
blushed  like  a  two-year-old. 

Jack.  Then  she  must  have  been  thinking  of  something 
else.     (Servant  enters  from  L.  at  back  to  platform  c.) 

Serv.  There's  a  person  of  the  na'ue  of  Hagson  wishes 
to  see  you.  sir   by  appointment. 

Jack.  Quite  right— bring  him  in.  (ex/f  SERVANT,  Plant- 
ing himself  firmly  icith  his  hack  to  the  fire  L.  ii.,  and  his 
legs  apart)    Now  the  fun  begins. 

Sir  H.  (r.  of  table)  I  don't  expect  you'll  get  much  out 
of  Hagson. 

Jack.  I'll  get  what  I  want.  I'll  get  a  complete  cor- 
roboration of  my  present  suspicion  tliat  it  was  my  Lady 
Duncan  who  was  Master  Jim's  chere  amiein  that  flat.  I'm 
going  to  spoof  tlie  gentle  Hagson  into  giving  the  game 
away  and  if  my  suspicions  prove  correct  I'll  give  that  lady 
occasion  to  sit  up  and  snort. 

Sir  II.  (R.  of  table)  Suppose  Hagson  proves  too  much 
for  you.     (lighting  a  cigar) 

Jack.  He  won't.  I  led  him  to  believe  in  my  letter  that 
I  was  sending  for  him  on  behalf  of  Lady  Duncan. 

Sir  H.     {expostulating)     But,  my  dear  chap 

Jack,  {quietbj  lighting  a  cigar)  It's  playing  things 
rather  low  down,  I  daresay,  but  I'd  sooner  be  called  a  cad 
by  all  my  friends  than  allow  an  innocent  girl  to  suffer  for 
a  guilty  woman.  Lady  Duncan  thinks  she  has  won  the 
millionaire,  does  she  ?  Very  well,  that's  a  card  in  my  hand 
and  caddish  or  not  I'll  play  it  for  Billy's  sake,  (turns  up 
c.  a  little.  Servant  announces  Mr.  Hagson  irho  enters  c, 
from  L.     Harry  crosses  l.  and  sits  chair  above  door) 

Jack,  (standing  icith  his  back  to  fireplace)  Good  morn- 
ing. Mr.  Hagson. 

Hag.     Good  morning,  sir. 

Jack.  Lady  Duncan  was  very  pleased  -svith  your  be- 
haviour last  evening,  and  is  most  desirous  that  j'ou  should 
suffer  no  financial  loss  by  reason  of  your  discretion.  By 
the  way,  this  is  Sir  Harry" Harmon,  who  knows  all  the  cir- 
cumstances. 

Hag.  (turning  his  hat  nervously  and  keeping  Jcis  eyes 
on  the  ground)  Her  ladyship  is  very  kind— I — I  think  I 
didn't  make  mj-self  quite'clear.  (a  y-ajnd  glance  of  com- 
prehension jMsses  between  Sir  Harry  and  Jack) 

Jack.  You  behaved  admirably — and  her  ladyship  is 
grateful. 

Hag.  (shifting  uneasily  from  one  foot  to  another)  Beg- 
gin'  your  pardon,  sir — (he  breaks  off  at  a  loss) 

Jack,  (coming  to  table)  If  you  will  let  me  kiiow  what 
sum  you  require  I  have  instructions  to  fill  in  this  cheque. 
(sittiug  L.  (f  table,  takes  cheque  from  pocket) 

Hag.     There  it  is,  sir — what  with  the  old  lady  sendin'  for 


'"     BILLrS  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  G3 

me — and  all  of  a  sudden  askin'  me  who  ? — and  her  lad}-- 
sliip  beiu'  tliere  herself — I  lost  my  'ead,  sir. 

Jack.  It  wasn't  apparent.  No  one  would  nave  guessed 
you  and  her  ladysliip  liad  met  before,  {ihen  inittirig 
cheque  on  table,  lie  tcikesup pen)     How  nuicli  ?     (pause) 

Hag.  (sltakiiKj  h  is  head)  Tliank  you,  sir — it's  very  kind 
of  her  ladyship,  hut  her  ladyship  don't  understand.  Wiieu 
I  first  married,  foolish  like,  I  told  my  wife  a  few  of  the 
things  I'd  seen  in  my  time.  She  went  a-talking  to  her 
sister  {smiles  at  the  renieuihrance  of  what  took  place — 
cynically)  Slie  ain't  been  a-talking  since.  My  respects  to 
her  ladyship,  but  she  and  Mr.  Jim  might  'a  knowed  me  bet 
ter  than  to — to - 

Jack,  {rising  in  great  astonishment)  You  mean  you 
"won't  take  the  money  ? 

Hag.  No,  thank  you,  sir.  Both  her  lad3-ship  and  Mr. 
Jim  can  rely  on  me  to  hold  my  tongue  without  bein'  paid 
for  it. 

Jack.  Then  as  my  only  purpose  in  sending  for  j-ou  was 
to  pay  you  for  j-our  discretion,  I  fear  I've  wasted  your 
time. 

Hag.  Not  at  all,  sir.  I  should  have  waited  on  her  lady- 
sliip anyhow  to  tell  her  she  and  Mr.  Jim  could  rely  on 
me. 

Jack.     I'll  toll  her,  Mr.  Hagson,  it's  very  kind  of  you. 

Hag.  It's  a  matter  of  principle  with  me,  sir,  and  I 
never  goes  back  on  my  principles. 

Sir  H.  (l.  h.,  nudging  Jack  ivith  his  foot)  I  wish  we 
could  all  say  tliat,  eh.  Jack  ? 

Jack.  (l.  c.  dubiously)  Uni !  {a  jmksc)  Then  that's 
all.  I  suppose,  we  can  do. 

Hag.  Yes  sir,  thank  you  very  much,  sir.  Good  day, 
sir.  {goes  up  to  platfor^ii  c.  aiid  turns  bade)  I  trust 
you'll  explain  to  her  ladyship  and  Mr.  Jim. 

Jack.     I  certainly  will. 

Hag.  {on platform  q.  doorway)  Thank  yovi,  sir.  Good 
day,  sir. 

Jack  av/Tx  ,-5111  H.  Good  daj-.  (er/^  Hagson  c.  fo  r.  Jack 
and  Sir  H.  h)(>lc  at  each  other  in  coinjtlete  astonish ulcuI) 

Jack,  (crossing  to  c.  front  of  t((ble)  We've  begun  tlie 
day  well,  we've  actually  met  an  honest  man. 

Sir  IT.  (has  risen  to  l.  c.  beloio  table)  No  matter — 
we've  found  out  what  we  wanted  to  know. 

Jack.  We  iiave,  thank  God.  l^jesn't  it  make  yen 
shudder  to  thiidc  what  tiiat  woman  must  be  made  of';:'  By 
Gad  !     I  know  what  I'm  tlcaling  witli  now.     (down  n.) 

Sir  H.  (uji  h.  c. )  I  suppose  the  next  thing  to  do  is  to 
tackle  the  woman  herself. 

Jack,     (griiuly)     And  at  once. 

Sir  11.     Well,  I  wish  you  joy  of  that  task,     (strolls  on  to 


(34:  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

terrace  off  c.  to  R.  TooT^ixs  enters  from  R.  Butler  from. 
L.  ^4  tnq)  drives  up  to  door.  Butler  says  a  ivord  to  groom 
and  is  about  to  go  vji-stairs.  The  Footman  e.vit  after  hav- 
ing spoken  to  Butler) 

Jack,  {at  stairirau  R.  c.)  Is  that  trap  to  take  Miss 
Man-  to  the  station  ? 

8erv.  Yes.  sir.  (he  goes  iqj-stairs,  meeting  Billy  ^rJio 
eiders  through  archway  R.  3  vpper platform  and  is  dressed^ 
for  departure)     Tlie  trap's  here,  Miss. 

Billy.  Tliank  you.  {gives  Butler  cloak,  who  exits  xvith 
it  c.  to  R.,  servant  goes  out.  Billy  sees  Jack  andjmyiug- 
no  attention  to  him,  comes  down-stairs  rrith  great  dignity. 
Jack  looks  at  her  quizzically  then  becomes  apparently  verij 
serious.     Billy  crosses  to  R.  of  table  L.  c.) 

Jack,  {coining  down  R.)  I  have  beeu  waiting  here  for 
a  word  or  two  before  you  go. 

Billy,  (with  a  sniff— putting  glove  on  left  hand)  Very 
inconsiderate  of  you. 

Jack,  {sentimentally  regarding  her)  People  in  love 
are  always  inconsiderate,  I'm  told. 

Billy,     {coldly)     Are  they?     I've  never  been  in  love. 

Jack.  (c.)  So  I've  heard,  {a  jxinse)  So  I  suppose 
you  and  I  won't  see  each  other  again — Oh,  for  a  long,  long, 
time. 

Billy.     I  hope  not. 

Jack.  Of  course  once  you  leave  this  house  you'll  never 
come  back  to  it. 

Billy.  {tries  to  2^ut  R.  hand  glove  on  L.  hand,  over  L, 
hand  one.     \'ery  firmly)     Never! 

Jack,  (gravely)  Ah  ! — {a  2>ause)  You  wouldn't  like 
me  to  explain  my  last  night's  attitude  l)efore  you  go? 

Billy,     {coldly)     It  really  wouldn't  interest  me. 

Jack,  (icith.  a  lyrolonged  and  melancholy  sigh)  No — I 
didn't  suppose  it  wovild.  (Jack  coughs — Billy  discovers 
mistake  of  gloves)  but — but,  if  you  would  coTidescend  for 
one  moment  to  ])ut  yourself  in  my  place — 

Billy.    I  won't. 

Jack.  Perhaps  j'ou're  right,  it's  not  a  comfortable  place. 
I'm  a  poor  simple-minded  country  mouse,  j'ou — (BiLLY 
laughs)     you've  gathered  tiiat  from  m\'  behaviour — 

Billy,      {spasmodic  laugh)    .Scarcely. 

Jack.  Oli,  I'm  sorry — I've  always  tried  to  convey  it. 
And  of  course  you  must  realize  that  all  I  lieard  yesterday 
was  a  great  surprise  to  me.  Of  course  a  little  explanation 
from  either  of  us  could  liave  made  everytliing  quite  easy 
but — exj)lanation  involves  a  little  trouble  and  after  all, 
with  only  two  people's  lives  at  stake  it  wasn't  worth  it, 
was  it? 

Billy.  {shortly)  I  don't  think  it  was.  Is  the  trap 
there  ? 


..      BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  65 

Jack.  Yes,  your  luggage  has  gone  on,  but  of  course  it's 
very  deliglitful  to  gratify  one's  temper  at  the  expense  of 
one's  re])iit;ition.  isn't  it?  (Billy  (joes  iipQ.  on  to  plat- 
form. Then  icith  great  anxiety)  I  hope  you're  taking  a 
rug  •? 

Billy.  (stojya  c,  clenches  her  fists  and  comes  right 
down  to  him,  tooling  fiercely  at  him)  Mr.  Frere,  it  may 
interest  jou  to  know  I  liave  never  met  a  man,  of  wliom, 
in  so  short  a  space  of  time,  I  formed  two  such  different 
opinions. 

Jack,  {up  u.  o/ Billy)  Miss  Marr,  it  may  interest  you 
to  know  I  liave  never  met  a  woman  of  whom,  in  so  short 
a  sjjaee  of  time,  I  formed  one  such  definite  opinion. 

Billy,  (scornfully)  Wliatever  opinion  you  formed  ap- 
parently required  a  lot  of  smoke-room  conversation  to 
develop. 

Jack.  And  a  lot  of  drawing-room  conversation  was 
powerless  to  undevelop  it.  Is  nobody  going  to  the  station 
with  you'? 

Billy.     Out  of  this  house  ?  No,  thank  you. 

Jack.     I'd  come,  but  of  course — 

Billy,     (bitterly)     Thank  you. 

Jack,  (looking  at  watch)  If  you  don't  go  at  once,  you'll 
miss  your  train. 

Billy',  (very  haughtily  turns  tip  stage  on  to  platform) 
Good-bye. 

Jack.  (r.  C.)  Somehow  I  don't  think  so.  I've  an  ex- 
traorilinary  presentiment  that  you  won't  go  far  after  all — 
you'll  come  back. 

Billy,     (cahnly  steps  ojf  2')latf arm  c.)     Oh,  will  I  ? 

Jack.  But  if  you  want  to  catch  the  train  you  must  go 
at  once. 

Billy,  (u-ith  a  stamp)  Oh,  if  j-ou  only  knew  how  I 
hated  everybody!  (to  doorway  c.  looks  ofi)  Oh,  there's 
Sir  Harr}',  I  want  to  speak  to  him. 

Jack,  (going  on  to  platform  r.  of  Billy)  Would  you 
like  me  to  go  outside  ? 

Billy,  (almost  in  tears)  Y^es.  (moves  dou^n  it.  Sir 
Harry  comes  in  c.  from  n.) 

Jack,  (fo  Harry)  Hairy,  Harry,  Miss  Marr  wants  to 
speak  to  you.  (with,  great  solemnity)  Alone,  (he  goes 
out  into  garden  c.  to  R.) 

Sir  H.  (coming  down  quickly  to  c.)  Well,  little 
Avoman  ? 

Billy,  (r.— u-ith  a  little  break  in  her  voice)  Sir  Harry, 
I — wliy  are  they  all  unkind  to  me  ? 

Sir  il.     (c.  soothingly)     Are  tliey  ? 

Billy,  (tohim  aliitle)  Yes,— awfully  unkind.  Tlieie 
was  no  harm  in  my  writing  those  letters  to  Jim,  we  were 
engaged. 

5 


6G  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

Siu  n.  (c.)  Of  course  you  were.  By  tlie  way  liow  did! 
you  liai)pen  to  get  liokl  of  liis  fiat  in  Victoria  Street  ? 

Billy,     (r.  c.)     Mother  got  it  through  the  agents 

Sir  H.     Oh  ! 

BiLL\ .     Wliy  ? 

Sir  H.  {moving  away  to  L.  c.)  Nothing.  It's  a  jolly 
neighbourliood.  {turn  itig  back  to  her.)  I  wish  you'd  make 
it  up  with  Jack.     He  loves  the  very  ground  you  walk  on. 

Billy.     {icitJi  a  sob)     He  doesn't. 

Sir  H.  He  does,  and  lie  never  discussed  j-ou  witli  me  in 
the  smoking  room.  He  nearly  punched  my  head  because  I 
whistled  wlien  I  lieard  tlie  story  of  those  letters. 

Billy,     {angril;/)     "Why,  why  did  you  whistle? 

Sir  H.  Because  I  saw  how  difficult  it  would  be  for  him 
to  convince  a  lot  of  fools  that  there  were  wise  people  in  the= 
world. 

Billy,     {au'fli  a  little  sob)    I — I'm  not  a  wise  person. 

Sir  H.     Yes — you  are. 

Billy,     {riwves  (toivn  r.)     No,  I'm  not.     Oh.  Oh,  I 

Sir  H.  (Jinisltcs  Jier  sentence  for  Iter)  You  love  hinx 
very  dearly. 

Billy.  '  {hiding  her  face  in  her  hands)  I  know  I  do.  it 
is  not  my  fault.  I  can't  heljj  it — and — and  I'm  making  him 
begin  to  think  that  I  don't. 

SirH.  {griinlij)  Poor  old  Jack!  Now  suppose  when  next 
you  meet — sup])()se  you  just  hold  out  your  hand  to  him  and 
say — Jack — I — {}ie  }>aiises  at  a  IossJkuv  to  go  on,  tlien  cheer- 
fuJlji)  Well,  you'll  know  what  to  say  when  the  time 
comes. 

Billy,  {turn iii</  back  to  Sir  H. — Itrightcning  tip  at  the 
thought)  I  will — I  will.  Yes,  I'll  tell  him  I've  been  bad 
tempered  and  beastly — an — an — 

(Jack  re-enters  c.  from  r.  and  comes  doirn  c.  L.  of  them.} 

Jack.     I'm  sorry  to  interrupt,  but  you'll  miss  your  train. 

Billy,  (curling  up  at  once  at  his  casual  tone  and  turn- 
ing to  Sir  H.  desperateUj)  There,  I  told  you — he  doesn't 
care,     (fo  Jack)     Huh!     {turns  toll.) 

Jack,  {coniing  down  L.  of  SiR  H. — to  Sir  II.  aside} 
What  have  I  done  ? 

SirH.     {softli/)     Been  an  ass.     (JxCK  turns  aivay  to  h.) 

Billy.  {comin(/  to  Sir  H.  quicldy — aside)  Don't  tell 
him — promise,     {turns  away  to  R.) 

Sir  H.  Not  a  word,  {turns  and  looks  at  them,  then  iip 
stage,  coughs  as  he  turns  -up.  Tliey  turn  simidtaneously  as 
if  to  speak  to  Sir  H.  and  come  face  to  face.  She  turns  to 
go.  J  ACK  Jiolds  out  Jiis  liand — slic  tur}is  her  head  and  stalks 
past  him  Jiangldily  and  off  li.) 

Jack,  (goi)ig  on,  to  platform  c.)  Oh,  Harry,  if  you 
hadn't  scribbled  on  the  "  Globe."    See  what  ti'agedies  trifles 


I 
i 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  67 

breed.  (tJien  he  calls  after  Billy)  Oh,  Billy,  if  we'd  only 
explained. 

Billy,  {calling  hack  with  a  laugh)  Yes — better  too 
soon  than  too  late,  {the  dog-cart  disappears  off  u.  on 
zvonl)      •* 

Jack,  {coming  down  r.)  She's  glorious  !  I  love  every 
incli  of  her.  Six  minutes  to  tlie  station — six  minutes  tear- 
ing hair  over  luggage.  Six  minutes  to  come  back  again 
and  all  will  be  serene,  {then  to  Sir  Harry  ?/'7io  is  vp  c. 
going  up)     What  did  she  tell  you? 

Sir  H.  {they  both  come  down  a  little  R.  c.)  Nothing  I 
didn't  know,  but  I  swore  not  to  repeat  it.  I'm  learning 
lessons  about  repeating  things.  I  wish  you'd  have  allowed 
me  to  go  with  her  to  the  station. 

Jack.  (l.  c.)  Couldn't — it  would  have  spoiled  my 
plans,  {they  go  np  c.  together.  Hon.  Mrs.  Herring  eoHies 
doicn-stairs  meeting  Lady  Roop  on  the  landing  from  arch- 
way R.  Lady  Roop/ro?u  door  L.  3  E.  They  meet  on lilat- 
forvi  R.  c.  head  of  staircase.  Jack  and  Sir  H.  stai't  at  the 
sound  of  their  voices  and  listen) 

Mrs.  H.     Mary — you've  overslept  yourself  again. 

Lady  R.     No,  no.     I  was  writing  a  little  paragraph. 

Mrs.  H.     Not  about  Jane  and  Billy  Marr  ? 

Lady  R.  {on  platfor^n — a  little  shamefacedly,  then  icith 
a  glimmering  of  defiance)     Yes,  it's  quite  readable. 

Mrs.  H.     {feebly)    But  it  isn't  true  ;  we  know  the  facts. 

Sir  H.     {coming  forward  L..  c.)     So  do  we (Mrs.  H. 

and  Lady  R.  start  down  steps  slowly) 

Jack.  (c.  coming doivn  n-ith  a  smile  and  housing  courte- 
ously to  Lady  Roop)  And  Lady  Roop's  paragraphs  have 
earned  the  reputation  for  knowing  something  of  the  truth. 
I'm  sure  in  tliis  instance  she  won't  jeopardize  that  justly 
earned  monopoly.     (Sir  H.  comes  doirn  L.  c. ) 

Lady  R.  (r.  c.  feebly)  I — I —  {then  as  an  excuse — 
brightly)     Nobody  ever  believes  what  I  write. 

Jack.     (c.  gravely)     Tlion  why  write? 

Lady  R.     (r.  c.)     I— I  get  paid  for  it. 

Sir  H.     (l.  c.)     Unanswerable. 

Mrs.  H.     (r.)     I  hear  Jane  ordered  Billy  Marr  to  go. 

Sir  H.  (l.  c.  )  Jane  will  go  on  her  knees  to  her  before 
an  hour's  out  and  beg  her  to  remain. 

Mrs.  H.     Really?     {astonished) 

Sir.  H.     (l.  c.)     On  my  word  of  honour. 

Jack,     (c.)     Harry  and  I  know  the  facts. 

Mrs.  H.     (r.;     So  does  everylxnly — except  Jane. 

Jack,     (c.)     No,  everybody  doesn't — butever3'body  will. 

Lady  R.  (r.  c.)  Oh,  I'm  so  glad,  I'nr  not  going  till  to- 
morrow, it's  all  so  interesting  and  such  good  copy. 

Jack,  {looks  at  Sir  H.  over  Mrs.  H.'s  head)  Now  then 
ladies,  what  facts  do  you  know,  and  when  did  you  learu 


68  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

them?  (Mrs.  H.  looks  at  Lady  R.,  Lady  R.  lools  hack 
helplessly  at  Mrs.  H.  crosses  below  Lady  R.  to  Jack) 

Mrs.  H.  (r.  C,  assuming  an  air  of  siirjjrised  virtue) 
Really,  Mr.  Frere — I  cannot  mix  mj'self  up  in  such  matters. 

Lady  R.     (R.  adopting  the  same  tone)    Nor  I. 

Mrs.  H.  (r.  c.)  I— I  always  make  it  a  point  to  know 
nothing. 

Lady  R.     (r.)    And  I. 

Mrs.  H.  {crossing  R.  below  Lady  R.)  Mary— we're  late 
for  breakfast. 

Lady  R.  (R.  c.)  I— dozed  a  little  late  this  morning. 
(Jaugli  is  heard  off  n.  2  E.) 

Jack,  {fuming  up  with  Harry)  Let's  get  a  breath  of 
fresh  air.  I'm  sick  of  the  whole  crew,  {they  go  out  into 
porch  and  ofR.  ivlten  Lady  D.  and  others  are  on  they  pass 
at  back  and  overhear  them.  Lady  Duncan  and  ]\Ir.  Mun- 
KiTTRiCK,  Raddles  o/id  Captain  Becher  come  out  of  break- 
fast room,  meeting  Mrs.  Herring  and  Lady  Roop) 

Lady  D.  We've  just  been  watching  the  departure  of 
that  poor  Miss  Marr. 

Mrs.  H.     She's  reallv  gone  then  ? 

Lady  D.  {crossing  'to  c.  followed  by  Munk.  to  C.  Rad. 
goes  above  table— Bechbr  goes  to  fireplace)  Oh,  dear  yes, 
isn't  it  terrible? 

Lady  R.  Terrible,  {then  to  Mrs.  H.  as  they  go  offn.  2 
E.)  My  dear,  the  eggs  will  be  cold.  (Mrs.  H.  and  Lady 
R.  disappear  into  breakfast  room  R.  2  e.) 

MuNK.  (c.  to  Lady  D.)  If  I  hadn't  heard  it  from  you, 
my  dear,  I'd  never  liave  believed  it. 

Becher.     {by  fireplace)     I  can't  believe  it  now. 

Rad.     (back  of  table)     Tiie  view  I  take  of  the  matter— 

Lady  D.  My  dear  people,  I  was  far  more  astonished 
than  any  of  you.  I"d  got  quite  fond  of  the  dear  cliild. 
Did  you  notice  how  red  her  eyes  were  ?  Oh  dear,  oh  dear, 
one  really  does  not  know  who  to  believe  in  nowadays. 

Becher.  {by  fireplace,  looking  curiously  at  LadyD.) 
That's  true. 

Lady  D.  {seated  R.  of  table)  I'm  beginning  to  be  a 
little  sorry  I  told  you  this  sad  story.  But  I  did  it  for  the 
poor  child's  sake.  If  I  hadn't  told  you.  you'd  have  been 
all  here  seeing  her  off  to  the  station,  and  asking  her  why 
she  was  going  and  all  that,  and  it  would  have  been  so 
awkward  for  the  poor  girl  to  explain  that  she  was  going 
because  her  injured  hostess,  turned  her  out. 

Becher.  It  is  the  most  incomprehensible  thing  I  ever 
heard. 

MCXK.  Poor  old  Frere,  it's  awfully  hard  on  him.  (JACK 
and  Sir  H.  enter  c.  from  r.  and  stand  on  platform) 

Lady  D.     Shocking — poor  Jack's  heart-broken, 

Becher.     He's  broken  off  the  engagement,  you  say. 


"       BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  G9 

Lady  U.     Poor  fellow,  what  else  could   he  possibly  do  ? 

Becher.  (inovhig  doicii  L.  a  little)  Tluni  if  he"s  done 
that  it  must  be  true. 

Jack,  (coining  doivu  qidetli/  to  c. )  He  has  not  done 
that— and  it  isn't  true.  (Sir  H.  goes  dotcn  R.  27/ e//  all 
turn  quickly  to  hi  in  u-ith  exelamations  of  suvprise) 

Becher.     {to  Jack — excitedly)     But  Lady  Duncan — 

Jack.'  {c.  smiling  at  IuA-DyD.)  Lady  Duncan  has  been 
misinformed. 

Lady  D.  {leaning  back  in  her  chair,  and  looking  up  at 
him  sweetly)    Oh,  I  do  hope  you're  right. 

MuNK.  (L.  c— bubbling  over  u-ith  excited  curiosity) 
Wasn't  there  anj'  flat  at  all  ? 

Jack.     Oh,  yes,  there  was  a  flat. 

MuxK.     And  a  lady  ? 

Jack.     And  a  lad}-. 

Lady  D.     How  interesting  ! 

MuNK.     Who  was  it  ? 

Jack,     {mysteriously)     Ah ! 

Becher.     (eagerly)     Do  you  know  who  it  was  ? 

Jack.     Yes.     {they  all  betray  great  interest) 

Lady  D.     Oh,  do  tell  us. 

Jack.  Sir  Harry  and  I  have,  fortunately  for  Miss  Marr, 
found  out  the  facts. 

Lady  D.  {apparently  profoundly  imp)rcssed)  How  in- 
teresting ! 

MuNK.     {leaning  foricard)     Who  was  the  girl  ? 

Jack.  I  can  hardly  tell  you  tliat— wlio  knows  you 
might  all  be  on  friendly  terms  with  her.  You  see,  I  had 
to  get  to  the  bottom  of  tliis  business  because  poor  Mrs. 
Greaves  was  most  absurdly  visiting  all  lier  wrath  u])on 
Miss  Marr.     {a  look  between  Jack  and  Sir  H.) 

Lady  D.  {u-ith  a  little  laugh)  But,  if  it  isn't  Miss 
Marr,  who  is  it?  Do  tell  us— I'm  dying  with  curiosity  to 
know  what  dreadful  revenge  our  dear  Jane  will  take  on 
her. 

Jack,  (very  sloivly  so  that  Lady  D.  may  not  miss  his 
meaning)  Well,  do  you  know— neither  Sir  Harry  nor  my- 
self think  it  wise  to  let  even  Mrs.  Greaves  know  who  the 
other  lady  is.  Of  course  if  she  won't  believe  us  when  we 
assure  her  that  IMiss  IMarr  was  not  concerned  in  tlie  affair, 
well,  we  shall  be  compelled  to  give  her  proof. 

MuNK.     (L.  C.)     What  sort  of  proof  V 

Jack.  (C.)  The  written  confession  of  the  fair  culprit 
herself. 

Becher.  {dou-n\a.  u-ith  a  gasp  of  surprise)  You  don't 
mean  to  say  you  liave  got  that  ? 

Jack.     Not  yet. 

Lady  D.  {looking  at  him  xritli  a  smile)  Won't  it  be 
difficult  to  obtain? 


70  BILLYS  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

Jack.  I  don't  tliink  so — do  you,  Harry  ?  {going  to  him 
a  little) 

Sir  H.  (r.)  Not  a  bit — but  I  trust  we  shan't  require  it. 
(MuNK.  and  Had.  go  up  c.) 

Bi'X'HER.  (crossing,  going  to  Jack,  chohUng  out  his 
hand)  Frere — I — I — can't  tell  you  liow  danmeil  <;Iad  I  am 
about  this.  I  give  j'ou  n\y  word  of  lionour — I  coukl  not 
bring  myself  to  believe  it. 

Jack.  (r.  C.  shaking  hands  irith  hini)  My  dear  chap, 
nobod}'  with  eyes  in  their  liend  could  have  believed  it. 
(Becher  np  0.  joins  Raddles  and  Munkittkick  rq)  c.  and 
they  converse  a  moment) 

Lady  D.  Oh,  Mr.  Frere,  it's  a  terrible  confession  to 
make,  but — but  I  believed  a  little  after  reading  those  let- 
ters, I  could  not  help  my.self. 

Jack,  (smiling  at  her)  No,  no.  Lady  Duncan,  I'm  sure 
that  in  your  heart  of  hearts  you  didn't — did  you  now  ? 

Lady  D.  Well,  perhaps  I  didn't — in  my  heart  of  hearts, 
but  that's  a  part  of  my  being  to  which  I  very  seldom 
refer. 

Jack.  I  can  quite  understand  that.  (Becher  has  gone 
on  to  platform  c,  he  (tnd  Raddles  stand  for  a  vto)nc)tt 
lighting  cigarettes,  thoi  disappear  into  the  garden  off  c.  to 
L.     ]\ru.\K.  drops  doirn.  to  L.  <f  table) 

Lady  D.  But  surely,  if  all  this  misunderstanding  has 
been  cleared  uj).  wliy  the  sudden  departure  of  Miss  Marr "? 

Jack.  (c. )  It  is  not  publicl\'  cleared  up  j'et  but  it  will 
be  in  the  course  of  the  next  hovn*.  Miss  Marr  has  not 
gone,  she  will  be  back  in  about  ten  minutes.  (Lady  D.  sits 
tip  surprised) 

MuXK.  Then  it's  not  true  that  your  engagement  is 
broken  off  ? 

Jack,  (a  little  embarrassed)  Er — well — I  had  the  mis- 
fortune to  offend  Miss  iMarr — but  I  think  I  may  safely  say 
that  we  sliall  be  married  by  special  license  within  a  fort- 
night. 

MuNK.  (holding  his  hands  contplacenthj  across  his 
stomach)  I  am  deliglited  to  hear  it.  Pity  we  can't  have 
the  two  weddings  together — yours  and  mine,  (sitting  L.  of 
table) 

Jack,  (u-ith  a  sudden  ordbreal:  of  genialitij)  My  dear 
Munkittrick,  forgive  me,  I  never  congratulated  you. 

MUNK.     I  am  a  lucky  fellow,  aren't  I  ? 

Lady  D.  (k.  of  table,  breaking  in  ivith  a  triumphant 
little  laugh,  holding  vp)  her  hands)  Look,  Mr.  Fiere,  did 
ever  you  see  such  a  diamond. 

Jack,  (crossing  to  her  and  examining  the  outstretched 
hand  and  ring)     Beautiful. 

Lady  D.  (looking  at  him  icith  half  concealed  defiance) 
All  mine — my  very  own. 


"BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  71 

Jack,  {returning  her  glance  ivith  meaning)  Tlie  en- 
gagement ring — wouldn't  it  go  to  your  lieart  if  ever  you 
had  to  return  it  ? 

MuNK.     (sitting  vp)     "Wliat  do  you  mean  ? 

Jack,  {icith.  a  laugh)  I  was  thinking  of  my  own  case. 
{he  takes  his  ring  from  his  jiocket)  Look.  Mine  has  com& 
back  to  me  once  nh'eady. 

MuNK.  {lauglis)  Oh— a  lovers'  tiff,  might  happen  to 
any  of  us. 

Sir  H.  {to  MuNKiTTRiCK)  I  wonder  will  it  ever  liappen 
to  you  ?  (Lady  D.  extends  her  hand  across  table,  Munk. 
fondles  it) 

Jack.  They  say  it  takes  two  to  quarrel,  so  we  may  rely 
on  Lady  Duncan's  good  sense  to  steer  clear  of  one. 

Lady  D.  Absolutely,  (clock  strikes  eleven.  Jack  goes 
to  vewel  post  L.  of  steps  and  leans  on  it) 

MuxK.  (risiJig)  As  late  as  that  ?  Val,  my  dear,  if  you 
can  spare  me  for  half  an  hour  1  would  like  to  go  to  tlie 
libi-ary  and  read  my  letters. 

Lady  D.     Half  an  hour  !     Oh  Fred  dear,  what  a  time  ! 

Munk.     I'll  Iiurry. 

Lady  D.  Oli  don't  ;  please,  dawdle  dear,  and  I'll  occupy 
myself  by  flirting  desperately  with  Sir  Harry. 

Sir  II.  Believe  me,  I'm  not  wortli  flirting  with  so  soon 
after  breakfast. 

MuxK.  You  rogue  !  {he  plaijfulhj  p)inches  her  cheek 
across  the  table  avd  makes  Iter  very  angnj) 

Lady  D.     (shorthj)     Fred,  never  do  that  again. 

Munk.  {with  a  boisterous  laugh,  going  toivards  L.  2  E.) 
Why,  my  dear,  if  it  don't  come  off? 

Lady  D.  Write  your  letters.  No,  it  doesn't  come  off. 
{exit  Munk.  door  l.  2  e.) 

Jack,  (quietly)  As  a  matter  of  fnct  it  has.  (Lady  D. 
hurt  and  angry,  glances  at  him  and  rising  goes  to  fireplace 
L.  (dul  carefully  readjusts  her  complexion  b;/  pocket  mirror) 
Harry,  would  you  like  to  remain,  I'm  going  to  have  a  little 
chat  witli  Lady  Duncan,  (she  turns  quickly  and  faces  the 
tii'o  men) 

Sir  H.  (moves  Tip  C.  to  l.)  Well,  I  don't  think  my 
presencte  is  essential,  but  if  Lady  Duncan  wishes  any  con- 
firmation of  your  statements  I  sliall  be  smoking  a  cigar 
out  on  the  terrace,     (he  goes  out  c.  to  L.     A  pause) 

Jack,  (by  ncwid  post)  Sir  Harry  and  1  liave  just  had 
an  interview  witli  Jlngson. 

Lady  D.     Really. 

Jack.     We  learnt  from  liini  all  we  desired  to  know. 

Lady  D.     How  fortunate  for  you. 

Jack.  In  justice  to  Hagson  I  may  tell  you  that  no 
amoimt  of  money  wouM  iiave  induced  iiim  to  betray  you. 
I  obtained   the   information  I  required  by  a  trick.     Mr. 


72  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

Uagson  is  one  of  the  few  gentlemen  I  have  had  the  pleasure 
of  meeting  lateh'. 

Lady  D.  (comes  to  L.  of  {able  and  jpicks  vp  neirspapcr , 
casualhj)  Indeed.  You  niean  tlie  person  who  called  last 
night — he  seemed  au  honest  sort  of  creature,  (turns 
paper.  She  lias  taken  up  a  nwDiing  paper  and  is  reading 
it.     Pause) 

Jack.  (O'osses  to  above  table.  Very  quietly)  Ifs  no 
good.  Lady  Duncan.  I  am  going  through  with  this  affair. 
(ap((us(')  It  will  be  a  great  pity  if  you  have  to  return 
that  diamond  ring. 

Lady  D.  (sits  and  reads  paper)  I  have  no  intention 
of  doing  so,  my  good  man. 

Jack.  Fortunately  that  is  a  matter  over  which  you 
have  no  control  (conies  down  r.  of  table)  Believe  me,  I 
have  no  intention  of  being  unjust  or  hard  to  j'ou  in  this 
matter,  but  I  have  made  up  my  mind  tliat  unless  you  do 
wliat  I  wish,  j'ou  shall  bear  tlie  burden  of  your  own 
pleasures  yourself. 

Lady  D.  (risi)ig.  With  admiration)  At  last  I  can 
picture  you  in  the  pulpit,  Mr.  Frere. 

Jack,  (paying  ito  attention  to  the  remarlc  continues 
quietly)  You  will  sit  down  now  and  write  out  a  short 
statenu'ut  of  the  facts  and  I  will  give  j'ou  my  word,  that 
provided  Mrs.  Greaves  accepts  my  assurance,  backed  by 
Sir  Harry's,  of  Miss  Marr's  innocence — nobody  shall  know 
of  the  existence  of  your  confession,  bar  nn^self.  But  should 
it  bs  imi)ossible  to  convince  Mrs.  Greaves  without  making 
nise  of  it,  I  will  get  a  promise  from  her  that  she  will  never 
let  the  name  pass  her  lips,  and  ou  that  condition  show  her 
yonr  confession. 

Lady  D.  (putting  her  Jictnds  to  her  temples  affectedly) 
IMy  dear  man.  you  talk  so  much  you  positively  bewilder  me. 

Jack.  I  am  not  going  to  confine  mvself  to  talk  ;  if  I  do 
not  get  tliat  confession  from  you  within  half  an  hour.  I  go 
to  3Ir.  3Iunkittrickand  tell  him  what  I  know — it  will  then 
be  to  his  interest  to  make  inquiries,  (goes  iip  c. )  Half 
an  hour.  Lady  Duncan — it's  a  beautiful  diamond  and 
Munkittrick  is  worth,  I'm  told,  over  two  hundred  and  fifty 
tliousand. 

Lady  D.  (getting  a  little  angry)  I\Iy  dear  Mr.  Frere.  if 
jou  definitely  decide  not  to  go  into  the  church — for  which 
I  honestly  tliink  you  are  admirably  fitted,  take  a  friend's 
advice,  go  into  a  lunatic  asylum,     \ci-ossing  to  staircase  R.) 

Jack,  (moves  to  above  table)  There's  pen  and  ink  on 
this  table  when  you  require  it. 

Lady  D.  (by  newel  post,  laughing  and  holding  up  her 
ring  ha)id)  See  it!  See  it!  "Watch  liow  it  glitters. 
There  it  is.  there  it  remains  until  it  guards  a  plainer  one. 
Y'ou're  a  very  silly  fellow,  Mr.  Frere.     I  write  no  paper,  I 


BILLVS  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  73 

sign  no  document,  and  with  all  humility  I  tell  you,  you 
may  do  your — 

Jack.  Damnedest!  I  say  it  for  you.  I  ?f////  The  dog- 
cart— that's  Jim.  Excuse  me — {up  c.  and  offn.  v.  E.  he 
goes  out  to  meet  him.  Lady  D.  .starts  vp  as  Jack  ch's- 
appears  through  open  haJl  door,  she  stands  for  a  moment 
icith  clenched  hands  and  teeth,  then  she  draws  a  lo)ig  quick 
breath  like  a  hiss) 

Lady  D.  (c.)  He  means  it.  He's  in  the  mood  that 
stops  at  nothing,  (a  tliought  Jlashes  across  her  mi)i(l~and 
she  turns  and  stares  at  the  door  of  the  room  Munkittrick 
is  in  L.  2  E.)  If  only  I  covild  make  Fred — I'll  try — It's 
(moves  c.)  my  ojily  chance.  I'll  try — nothing  would 
matter  then,  {tlie  door  of  the  smoking-room  l.  2  E.  opens 
and  MuNK.  comes  out.  He  sees  Lady  D,  a)id  holds  out  his 
Jiands  cJteerily,  going  to  her  l.c.) 

MuNK.     (L.c.)     All  alone,  Val? 

Lady  D.     (c.)     I^I  was  waiting  for  you,  dear. 

MuxK.  (delighted)  Were  you  really  ?  I've  not  been  half- 
an-hour — I — it  was  no  use  trying  to  read  mj'  letters.  I 
couldn't  think  about  'em.  I  could  only  think  about — Oh, 
my  dear,  I'm  a  very  lucky  man  to  have  got  J'ou,  ain"t  I  V 

Lady  D.  (c.)  I  don't  know.  I  wonder  am  I  good 
enough  for  you? 

MuNK.  (L.c.  Taking  her  hands  delightedhj)  I'llcliance 
that.  I've  made  myself  what  I  am  bj^  chancing  things. 
When  I  bought  the  Dunvollor  claim  all  the  big  bugs 
swore  I  was  a  fool,  but  I  came  out  on  toj).  I  guess 
it's  the  same  with  wives.  When  you  think  you've  got  a 
soft  thing — hold  on  to  it.     (tries  to  embrace  her) 

Lady  D.  (unncing  a  little  and  backing  awajj  from  him)' 
Yes — yes — very  praiseworthy.     Fred  ! 

MuxK.     My  dear  ! 

Lady  D.     Will  you  do  me  a  favour  ? 

MuxK.     Anything. 

Lady  D.  (}'leading  prettily  and  holding  out  her  hamls) 
I  go  to  town  for  the  day.  Come  with  me  shopping.  Will 
you  come  ? 

MuxK.  (delightedly  catching  her  hands  andkissing  them) 
Will  a  duck  swim  'i 

Lady  D.     (quickli/)     What  train  can  we  catch  ! 

MuxK,  (lookiiK/  at  n-(deh)  Tliere's  the  U.'di)  tiien  nothing 
till  12.40. 

Lady  D.  (then  she  goes  to  him  as  ifirith.  an  impnlse  of 
great  affection  and  ivhispers  softly)  Freddy,  I — I — oh, 
I'm  so  happy,  dear.     I  want  to  say  sometiung  to  you. 

MuxK.     (u-ith  a  self-satisfied  chuckle)     Go  ahead. 

Lady  D.  Last  night,  you  know  what  you  begged  for 
and  I  refused  V 

MuNK.     Eh  V 


^4  BILLVS  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

Lady  D.  You — begged  to  be  married  at  once,  without 
any  fuss — quietl\" — at  once. 

Mr.NK.     Katlier  !    But  you  said— 

Lady  D.  I  was  a  fool,  it  was  all  so  sudden.  Fred,  I've 
just  had  a  thought,  ifs  my  birtliday,  my  lucky  day.  I 
won't  contradict  you,  dear.  Let's  catch  the  1"J.40;  let's 
go — {fnrus  away)  up  to  town,  but  {tenderly)  I  don't  want 
to  go  shopping.  How  can  we  fill  in  the  time?  (turning 
to  Jiim)  ' 

MuNK.  {catching  her  meaning.)  Get  married  !  Special 
license.  Glory  be  to  everything.  Pack  up — slap  along. 
I'm  your  man.     {Ite  kisses  Iter) 

Lady  D.  You  dear!  {Jlc  crosses  to  door  L.  a)id  looks 
back.  Slie  riiJis  np  stairs  c.  on  platform,  she.  blows  a  kiss 
to  MuxK.,  ivho  returns  it.  Looking  out  at  window  c.)  And 
now  do  your  damnedest — 3Ir,  All-Powerful-Frere.  {exit 
door  above  L.  3  E.) 

MuNK.  Where's  my  man?  The  fool's  never  here  when 
he's  wanted,  {rings  for  valet — button  belowjireplace  L.  H. 
Jim  enters  u-ith  Jack  c.  from  u.  u.  e.,  servant  enters,  MuNK. 
in  pantomiuie  asks  for  fiis  coat) 

Jim.  (crcifedli/  don-n  C.)  AVhat  the  devil  did  you  wire 
in  for?  It  only  just  caught  me  in  time.  I'd  been  in  Paris 
now.     Hullo.  Muiikittrick. 

MuNK.     Hullo,  Jim  ! 

Jim.  As  I  drove  up  I  met  a  man  with  this  wire  for  you 
— I  brought  it  on — save  time. 

IMUNK.     Excuse  me? 

Jim.  Certainly,  go  ahead,  {gives  it  to  Munk.,  and  xip  C. 
taking  off  gloves,  Ml'NK.  reads  it  icith.  horror — they  notice  it) 

Jack.     {r.  c.  quiekh/)     AVhat'sup? 

Munk.  (l.  c,  glaring  at  telegram) — Everything's  up! 
God's  life,  this  may  cost  me  thousands.  "VVhen  are  the 
trains — when  are  the  damned  trains?  I  can't  wait  for  the 
12.40.  I  must  go  at  once,  {servant  enters  L.  2  E.  Munk. 
takes  hat  from  him  and  goes  nj)  R.  c,  servant  goes  above 
table  c.  u'ith  coat) 

Jim.  {on  jilat form  np  c.  looking  off  tx.)  The  dog-cart"s 
still  there  ;  if  you  drive  like  blazes  you'll  catch  the  1L30. 

MuXK.  (struggling  into  coat  ?)  An  hour  might  mean  a 
pot  of  money — tell  her — tell  her,  can't  wait  to  be  married 
to-day — be  married  to-morrow — nmch  too  much  money  at 
stake. 

Jack.     (r.  c.)     Tell  who? 

Ml'XK.  (struggling  with  his  coat  held  by  Footman)  She's 
dressing  now  to  come  up  bv  the  12.40  and  be  married — I 
can't  wait.  Damn  the  sleeve!  (he  dashes  out  a)id  calls 
Old  u.)  Drive  !— drive  !  if  you  kill  the  beast,  but  catch 
that  train. 

Jim.     {looking  after  him  vji  c.)     He'll  do  it. 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  75 

Jack,  (to  himself —dou-n  r.  c.)  Go  up  by  tlip  12.40  to 
Remarried!  Be  married,  a  smart  move,  my  lady,  but  it 
hasn't  come  off  !     Fate  fights  for  me. 

Jim.  (coming  dou-ii  c.)  Wliat  did  you  ^vire  me  like 
that  for?  I  ain't  had  a  wink  of  sleep.  1  thought  my  wife 
must  "a  broke  a  blood-vessel  or  somethin'. 

Jack.  (r.  c.)  Nothing  of  the  sort.  You  want  to  be 
j-eeonciled  to  her,  don't  j^ou  ? 

Jim.  Course  I  do  ;  she's  a  jolly  good  sort  and  all  that— 
and — and  "pon  my  soul,  I've  never  done  anything  I  shouldn't 
since  I've  been  a  married  man. 

Jack.  I  knew  that.  That's  one  of  the  reasons  I  wired 
for  you  ;  There  was  another  reason,  but  I  don't  think 
it'll  be  necessary  to  go  into  that  after  all— there's  been  the 
devil's  own  delight  here  about  j'ou  and  your  lady  friend 
and  that  infernal  tint. 

Jim.  (aghast)  Has  there — (moving  doini  L.)  oh,  my 
gracious,  who's  told  her  ?  (Sir  H.  enters  from  garden 
L.  u.  E.  as  Mrs.  Greaves  comes  doicn-stairsfrom  archway 
xipper  platform  r.  8  E.) 

Sir  H.  (looking  off  R.  u.  E.  exxiledhj)  Miss  Marr  is 
coming  up  tlie  drive. 

Jack,  (running  quicMij  oxd  c.  to  R.)  So  soon?  (Sir 
H.  folloivs  Jack.) 

Mrs.  G.  (in  great  dismaij — stops  short  on  the  stairs) 
Billy  Marr — coming  back,  and  I  stayed  in  bed  till  slieM 
gone — don't  let  her  in.  I  won't,  (sees  Jim  and  stands 
aghast) 

Jim.     (a  little  nervously — down  h.  c.)     Morning,  Jane. 

Mrs.  G.  (pointing  a  scornful  finger  at  him)  I  don't 
see  you  except  in  the  presence  of  the  law — we've  passed 
the  church. 

Jim.  (loolcing  up  at  her  pathetically)  You  alwa3's  were 
a  jolly  good  sort  and  all  that,  don't  get  shirt}-  when  Jack's 
wire  startled  me  into  thinking  you  were  dead. 

Mrs.  G.  (fiercely)  Oh,  did  it — and  you've  been  acting 
as  if  I  was,  haven't  you  ?  Well  I  ain't— amn't.  I'm  alive 
and  kicking,     (with  intense  scorn)     Toodles  I 

Jim.     (starting  back — aghast)     What ! 

Mrs.  G.  I've  fovmd  jou  out,  my  heart's  broken  and  I've 
packed  "  AVang  "  home  to  her  mamma,  (enter  Billy  c.  to 
R.  in  state  of  intense  excitement,  followed  liy  Jack  and  Sir 
H.  Mrs.  G.  seeing  her  is  unable  to  bear  the  shock.,  she's  in 
a  state  of  coUaptsc)     Back  again  ! 

Billy.  (d<nrnc.  and  tij)  again  with  lines — u'riiiging  her 
hands)  I  c:in"t  help  it.  Where's  my  maid — my  luggage — 
my  ticket — my  moiiej^  it's  maddening  ! 

Jack,  (on  jdatform  c. — Sir  II.  L.  of  him)  I  saw  her 
start  for  the  station  long  before  you  did. 

Mrs.  G.    So  did  I — 


^6  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

Billy.     Slie's  not  there. 

Mrs.  G.  (icitli  a  snort  of  scorn)  A  paltry  excuse  to 
come  back. 

Billy,  (c.  dou-n  a  step  toirards  Mrs.  G .—fiercely)  Do 
you  think  that  1  wished  to  come  back? 

Jim.  {(idvancing  a  stej)  or  two  xdterly  hewildered)  What 
the  dickens  is 

Mrs.  G.  (rising  from  her  seat  on  the  stairs  ana  point  ing 
at  Billy  iciiJi  a  tragic  gesture)  Address  one  word  to  that 
minx  in  my  presence  and  I'll  slap  you,  '"Toodles."  (Jul 
sits  in  chair  L.  of  table  L.  c.) 

Billy.  {tnn}ing  up  to  Jack  and  Sir  H. — in  great  dis- 
tress and  agitation)     Wliere — where  can  Fielding  have 

Sir  H.  (l.  c.  interrupting  quickly)  She  may  have  gone 
to  tlie  wrong  station. 

Jack.  (c. — icith  conviction)  Of  course,  that's  it.  She 
looked  like  a  girl  wlio  would. 

Billy,  (dismayed)  The  Junction !  My  gracious,  it's 
miles  away. 

Jack,  (uu'th  great  seriousness)  Jliles — five  at  least — 
how  perfectly  awful  for  you.  You'll  liave  to  sit  down  and 
wait  till  slie  comes  back.  (Billy  don-ii  stage  L.  c.  and  sit- 
ting R.  of  table  L.  c.) 

Mrs.  G.  (sitting  backwards  on  to  the  third  step)  Oh,, 
to  tliink  that  one  of  liis  piccadillys  is  sitting  in  my  liall ! 

Jim.  (starting  up  from  chair)  Jane,  what  in  the  name 
of  heaven — (Harry  is  on  platform  L.  c.) 

Jack,  (pusliing  Jysi  iiito  chair  7(p  Ij.  of  c.  arch)  Don't 
interfere,  .Jim.  For  goodness  sake  leave  this  to  me.  Mrs. 
Greaves,  Sir  Harry  would  like  to  have  a  few  words  with 
you. 

Mrs.  G.  (rising  proudly — coming  doini  steps  to  R.  c.)' 
"With  these  two  persons  present — my  own  liouse  is  no 
place  for  me.  When  Miss  Marr  tliinks  fit  to  vacate  it,  some- 
body will  liave  tlie  goodness  to  tell  me  when  I  can  come 
out  of  the  garden,  (she  stalks  out  c.  off  L.  As  she  goes 
she  gets  quite  near  to  Billy,  and  fearing  her  skirts  ivill 
touch  her,  she  gathers  them  about  her) 

Jack,  (going  quickly  /oSiit  H.  R.)  Harry,  follow  her — 
get  her  reasonable — tell  lier  all  we  agreed  on,  if  the  worst 
comes  to  the  worst,  I'll  see  that  she  gets  her  proof,  (puts 
hini  off  to  la.) 

Jim.     (ri.-iing)     But  I'ni  in  the  dark. 

Jack,  (taking  Jim  by  the  collar.  2^^dting  him  across 
R.  c.)  And  the  place  for  vou  too.  (BiLLY  sits  hojielessly  R. 
of  table) 

Jim.     (expostulating)    But 

Jack,  {showing  Jim  towards  breakfast  room  R.  3e.) 
Breakfast's  still  there 

Jim.     But  I've  had  my  breakfast ! 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  77 

Jack.  Eat,  man — eat  till  I  tell  you  to  stop,  {forcibly 
shoves  iiiia  into  breakfast  room  and  sliuts  door  on  liini — 
Jack  and  Billy  are  left  alone.  Jack  going  towards  Iter 
icitli  outstretelied  hands  gradually  during  speech)  Billy, 
clear,  do  be  good  to  me,  a  poor  weak  man. 

Billy.     Huh ! 

Jack.  I'm  a  brute — a — a — oh,  everything  that's  awf id, 
but  I've  never  swerved  in  my  faith  in  you,  my  love  for 
you.  Listen.  Tliese  people  have  insulted  j^ou.  You  haven't 
tlie  faintest  notion  how  outrageously  the}-  have  insulted 
you.  You  were  quite  right  not  to  prove  them  wrong. 
(goes  to  back  of  table)  I'll  do  that  for  you.  When  that's 
been  done,  you  won't  mind  my  telling  you  tliat  you're  the 
sweetest,  bravest,  honestest  little  woman  that  I've  ever 
met,  and  I'm  the  proudest  man  in  all  the  world  because 
you're  going  to  be  my  wife. 

Billy.     I'm  not — I  said  I  wouldn't  be. 

Jack.  But — but — (then  suddenly  ivith  tenderness)  Oh, 
Billy  dear,  don't  say  it  any  more,  {comes  clown  R.  of  her) 
"VVe — we've  got  out  of  the  straight  somehow,  haven't  we — 
shan't  we  get  back  ?  Do  let's,  {apause—thenheichispers — 
beside  her)     Wliat  can  I  say  to  persuade  you  ? 

Billy',     {slowly)    Do  you  want  to  saj-  anything  ? 

Jack,  {softly)  No,  dear— but— but  I  should— I  should 
like  to — to  kiss  you — we — we  could  talk  better  afterwards, 
couldn't  we? 

Billy.  I — I — {then  u-ith  a  sudden  change  of  tone)  Yo\i 
always  laugh  at  me. 

Jack,     {expostulates)     Oh,  my  dear. 

Billy',     {fiercely)     Y'ou  do.     It's  in  j-our  eyebrows. 

Jack,  {laughs  and  lakes  her  hands)  Oh,  Billy,  Billy, 
don't  look  at  my  e3'ebrows — look  at  me. 

Billy,  {struggling  a  little  against  him)  Y'ou — you 
treat  me  like  a  child. 

Jack.    I  don't. 

Billy.  You  do — you  laugh  at  me.  {melting  a  little) 
Promise  never  to  laugli  at  me  again,  {she  i-ises  into  his 
arms) 

Jack.  I  ])roinise.  {he  kisses  her  tenderly — a  pause — 
then  lie  whispers)  Oh,  my  little  love.  I  told  you  I  had  a 
presentiment  that  you'd  come  back.  (Billy  suddenly  dis- 
engages herself  from  Jiim,  struck  by  an  idea) 

Billy.     Did  you  tell  Fielding  what  station  to  go  to  ? 

Jack,    {anxiously)    Ye — yes. 

Billy.  (flasJn'ng  ont — st((rfs  au-ay  to  l.  and  circles  round 
tal>li'  to  c.)  There — there — what  did  I  tell  you — you — you 
— Oil,  it's  cruel  {meeting  him  c.)  Y''ou  treat  me  as  if  I 
were  a  fool. 

Jack,     (distressed)     Billy — Billy,  do  listen 


"IS  BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

Billy,  (starts  aicau  again  to  l.)  I  won't— and  what's 
more,  I  liaven"t  the  sliglitest  intention  of  ever  becoming 
your  wife,     (doirn  L.) 

Jack.  (r.  c. — u-ith  a  laugh)  "What,  again  !  Tliis  really 
makes  our  position  ridiculous. 

Sir  H.  (iqi  L.  c.  gravely)  Jack,  it's  no  good,  the  old 
lady  won't  listen  to  reason.  You'll  have  to  take  the  ex- 
treme measures,  (Lady  Duncan  seen  coining  across  upper 
jilatformfrom  L.  3  E.  and  doicn  stairs,  dressed  for  her  de- 
parture for  London.     Billy  7/«,s  come  iqito  c.) 

Jack.  Well — I'm  read}-.  Quick,  man.  Take  Miss  Marr 
into  the  garden,     (putting  her  to  Sir  H.) 

Sir  H.  (/«A-i»g  Billy's  hand  and  clraicing  her  off  c.  to 
R.)     Come  with  me,  Miss  Marr. 

Billy.     I  won't. 

Sir  H.  Y'ou  must,  (lie  takes  her  off  despite  herself  C. 
to  R.     Lady  Duncan  comes  doicn  smiling) 

Lady  D.     (at  foot  of  stairs)     Still  here  ? 

Jack.     (r.  c.)     Where  are  you  going  ? 

Lady  D.     (sweetly)     I'm  going  to  do  some  shopping — 

Jack,  (bluntly)  Munkittrick  asked  me  to  tell  you  he 
can't  marry  you  to-day.  (Lady  D.  drops  a  glove — Jack 
picks  it  up — hands  it  to  her)  Don't  be  alarmed.  I  have 
not  spoken  to  him — yet.  A  business  telegram  compelled 
him  to  catch  the  ILoO  at  the  risk  of  disappointing  you — 
however  he  will  marry  you  to-morrow — unless — 

Lady  D.  (crossing  to  R.  of  table)  Y'our  word  of  honour 
he  has  gone. 

Jack.  Word  of  honour.  Jim's  in  the  breakfast  room,  ask 
him  too,  he  saw  him  go. 

Lady  D.  (very  dismayed)  Jim  already — (sits  R.  of 
table) 

Jack.  Write  those  few  words — no  one  shall  read  them 
but  I  and  Mrs.  Gi-eaves. 

Lady  D.  (angrily)  I  tell  j'ou  once  for  all,  you  get 
nothing  out  of  me.  (he goes  towards  breakfast  room  R.  2  E. 
Lady  D.  tcatches  him  a)ixiously,  rising)  Where  are  you 
going  ? 

Jack,  (turning  to  her  quietly)  I'm  going  to  fetch  Jim, 
we  can  all  talk  it  over  together. 

Lady  D.     (beticecn,  her  teeth)     You  brute. 

Jack,     (calls  r.  2  f..)     Jim! 

Jim.     (from  inside  r.  2  e.)     Hullo  I 

Jack.     Come  here. 

Lady  D.     (defiantly)     He  daren't  give  me  awaj'. 

Jack.  He  won't  be  able  to  helji  himself.  ( JiM  GREAVES 
comes  out  of  breakfast  room,  sees  Lady  D.) 

Jim.     Hullo!     Good  morning.  Lady  Duncan. 

Jack,  (very  gravely  and  firmly)  Jim,  j-our  wife  is 
under  the  imjiression  that  Miss  Marr  was  with  j'ou  at  138 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  79 

Victoria  Street  in  the  year  190L  Under  this  misapprehen- 
sion slie  ahiiost  publicly  turned  your  cousin  out  of  the 
house. 

Jim.  {sinking  into  chair  r.  beloiv  door  r.  2  e.)  Good 
God! 

Jack.  (r.  c. — continuing)  Unless  your  wife  can  be  con- 
vinced of  her  error,  Miss  Marr's  position  is  a  most  unenvi- 
able one. 

Jim.  (rising — looking  at  Lady  D.  r.)  Did  you  know 
anything  of  this  ? 

Lady  D.    (c.  smiling  serenely)    Dear  Jane  confided  in  me. 

Jim.  {looking  at  Lady  D.  in  amazement)  Not  a  shred 
— upon  my  soul — you  ain't  got  a  shred — 

Jack.  I  was  telling  Ladj'  Duncan  that  if  I  don't  get  a 
written  confession  from  either  the  fair  culprit  herself  or 
from  you,  Jim,  I  must  proceed  to  extremities. 

Lady  D.  {kmghing)  I'm  afraid,  Mr.  Frere,  that  neither 
Mr.  Greaves  nor  I  can  possibly  be  of  use  to  you  in  this  little 
affair. 

Jack.     Is  this  your  view  of  the  matter,  Jim  ? 

Jim.  {R.,completehf  heicildered)  I— I— (Jack  7<^j  r,  c. 
To  himself)  I  mustn't  speak,  and  I  can't  keep  silent.  Oh 
my  gracious — wliat  a  devilish  position  to  be  in.  (Lady 
D.  crosses  to  fireplace.  Jack  goes  up  to  platfonn,  calls 
offR.) 

Jack.  Harry — here !  Miss  Marr  will  excuse  you  for  a 
moment.  {^IR  H..  comes  in  from  garden  c.  from  r.  Goes 
to  c.  Jack  comes  down  to  R.  c.)  Harry,  Jim  doesn't 
quite  see  whicli  way  the  compass  of  his  honour  points,  I 
must  tell  liim  that  you  and  I  know  who  his  companion 
was — having  interviewed  his  valet  Hagson, 

Jim,  {down  R.  starting  up)  What !  {sits  in  chair  be- 
loiv door) 

Jack,     {hears  imaginary  wheels)     Who's  that  ? 

Sir  H.  {going  up  to  platform  c.  l.  of  if,  and  looking  off 
R.)  By  Jove,  it's  Munkittrick  coming  back,  {remains  on 
platform.  L.  c.) 

Lady  D.  {going  up  to  x>latform  and  looking  off— start- 
ing up)  No,  no.— he  mustn't  now.  {comes  dorm  to  L.  of 
table) 

Jack,  {excitedly— c.)  Splendid!  Now  once  and  for 
all  we  can  settle  matters.  He's  a  man  of  tlie  world.  Sir 
Harry  and  I  will  tell  liim  everything — he  shall  decide. 
{coming  to  R.  of  t(d>le)  Lady  Duncan,  I  mean  what  I  sa}-, 
won't  you  keep  your  ring? 

Lady  D.  {across  table)  I  want  to — you  mean  to  tell 
him  ? 

Jack.    Yes. 

Lady  D.  Don't  do  that.  I  can't  afford  it — oh,  why 
didn't  he  catch  his  train  !     Do  you  mean  to  tell  Billy? 


80  BILLY-S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

Jack.     Not  a  word. 

Lady  D.  {sits—icith  a  laugh  of  relief)  That  makes  all 
the  difference.     Why  didn't  j'ou  say  so  before.    Pen  quick  ! 

Jack.     I  didn't  know  that  was  a  point. 

Lady  D.  Thafs  because  you  know  nothing  of  women. 
{site  writes,  Jtands  it  to  Jack,  l.)     That  do? 

Jack.  Admirably  !  (he  puts  it  into  his  liocket  and  con- 
tentedly joins  Harry  as  Munk.  re-entersc.  from  R.  Harry 
on  platform.    Jack  c.  Sir  H.,  l.  c.) 

MUNK.  {coming  donm  L.  c.  below  table — sj^eoArs  as  he 
enters)  Missed  it  by  two  minutes,  and  tliey  wouldn't  run 
a  special,  it  can't  be  helped.  Hullo,  my  dear,  we'll  catch 
the  12.40  after  all. 

Lady  D.  (l.  prettily)  I'm  so  glad,  Fred  dear.  (Mrs. 
Greaves  enters  c.  fro}n  L.  and  is  down  r.  As  Jane  enters, 
Jul  takes  chair  u.  of  staircase,  and  jiiits  it  closer  to  it,  so 
as  to  be  out  of  sight.  He  sits)  It  was  such  a  disappoint- 
ment to  me  to  lose  you.     Ah,  Jane 

Mrs.  G.  (on  platform  between  Jack  and  Sir  B..— fever- 
ishly)    Is  that  young  woman  gone  ? 

Sir  H.     (up  l.  c.  diplomatically)    She  is  not  present. 

Mrs.  G.  {until  great  relief)  Then  at  least  I  can  breathe 
freely,  {goes  down  to  R.  c.  Sir  H.  and  Jack  come  doivn 
off  platform) 

Lady  D.  (crossing  c.)  Fred  and  I  are  deserting  you 
for  a  little  while  to-dav,  Jane  dear,  we  are  going  up  by 
the  12.40  to— to— 

MuNK.  (L.  c.  tcith  a  chuckle)  To — to — do  a  little  shop- 
ping. 

Lady  D.  (c.  turning  to  him  sweetly)  If  we  started  at 
once  we  could  walk  to  the  station,  couldn't  we,  Fred? 

MuNK.  (h.  c.  looking  at  his  icatch)  On  our  heads,  my 
dear. 

Lady  D.  (C.)  Oh  no!  I  think  I  should  like  to  walk 
conventionally  for  once.     (Lady  D.  and  Munk  n})  c.) 

Mrs.  G.     (r.)     You'll  be  back  in  time  for  dinner? 

Lady  D.  (on  platform  c.)  Oh,  I  hope  so,  Jane — au 
revoir.  (to  Sir  H.  and  Jack  icho  are  up  L.  c.  Exeunt 
Lady  D.  and  Munk.  c.  to  L.) 

Jack,  (up  l.  c.  to  Sir  H.,  who  is  l.  of  him)  We'll 
never  see  lier  again. 

Sir  H.     (up  l.  c.)     That's  a  comfort ! 

Jack,  (down  c.  fo  Mrs.  G.,  ivho  is  below  stair.H)  Mrs. 
Greaves,  j^ou  will  not  believe  Sir  Harry's  word  or  mine. 

Mrs.  G.     (l.  c.)     You're  botli  prejudiced. 

Jack.     For  the  last  time — j'ou  won't  believe  us? 

Mrs.  G.  (r.  c.)  Jack,  my  boy,  I'd  like  to,  but  I  can't. 
I  must  believe  my  own  eyes. 

Jack.  I'm  sorrj%  ns  you  compel  me,  for  IMiss  Marr's  sake, 
to  show  you  this,     (he' holds  out  the  paper.     Jim  is  in  a 


BILLY'S  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR.  SI 

state  of  collapse  in  chair  by  staincay  R.  Site  'stretches  out 
her  hand  for  it,  bat  Jack  stops  her  with  a  gesture  and  puts 
it  behind  his  back.  Continii.es  to  Mrs.  G.)  If  I  give  you 
this,  will  you  promise  not  to  mention  the  lady's  name  to 
any  one  ?  Mind  you,  this  affair  liappened  before  your 
marriage.  Will  you  promise  ?  (during  tJiis  Jiu  has  come 
fonoard  to  newel  xiost  R.  and  tries  to  sec  what  they  are 
giving  her) 

Mrs.  G.  (after  a  struggle)  I  promise,  wor — word  of 
honour.  (Jack  gives  lier  LiADY  D.''^  paj^er.  Mrs.  G.  takes 
it,  and  reads  it  ;  it  dazes  Iter — she  reads  it  again,  then  says 
huskily)  Let  me  be  awhile — I — I  ain't  quite  myself. 
(Jack  offers  to  assist  her) — No — (Sir  H.  offers  to  assist 
her)  Let  me  be.  (Sir  H.  goes  iip.  Sir  H.  makes  niove- 
ment  towards  her  on  her  u.,  she  motions  liini  aicay.  Jim 
who  has  been  at  newel  post  holding  himself  by  it  almost 
falls.  This  attracts  her  attention  to  him.  She  glares.  He 
sneaks  down  R.  a  little)     Is  this  true? 

Jnr.     (glumly)     Yes.     (a  p)ause) 

Jack,  (turns  to  Sir  H.  and  says  very  quietly — above 
Mrs.  G.)     Call  Billy?     (Sir  H.  goes  into  garden  c.  /or.) 

Mrs.  G.  (Jack  comes  to  her,  feebly)  Let  me  be  awhile, 
(she  turns  towards  the  breakfast  room  R.) 

Jack,  (detaining  her)  I  cannot  let  you  keep,  that 
paper. 

Mrs.  G.  No,  no,  quite  right,  (she  gives  it  back  to  him — 
then  pointing  to  Jim  says)    Take  him  away  for  a  bit. 

(Enter  Sir  H.  and  Billy,  r.  c.) 

Jack,     (gently)    Have  you  nothing  to  say  to  Billy  ? 

Mrs.  G.     Oil,  what  will  she  say  to  me? 

Jack,  (moves  up)  Ask  her.  (Billy  comes  down,  S^n 
H.  remains  on  platform.  The  old  icoman  holds  out  lier 
arms  jileadingly  to  Billy.) 

Mrs.  G.  Will  you?  I  can't  think  you  will.  I'm  an  old 
and  not  a  very  lia])py  woman,  will  you?  (Billy  goes  ten- 
derly to  her,  and  7vith,  a  sob  the  old  lady  takes  her  tenderly 
in  tier  arms  and  droj^s  her  head  upon  her  shoulder.  Jack 
crosses  L.  and  tears  up  Lady  D.'s  confession  and  throirs  it 
into  the  fire  L.  r.) 

Sir  H.     You've  torn  it  up? 

Jack.  Wlio needs  it  now?  (exit  Sir  H.  c.  ^>  l.  Jack 
looks  longingly  at  Billy.  ?t7(0  sits  u.  of  table  burying  her 
head  in  her  arms.  Jack  stands  at  fireplace.  J\lRS.  G.  is 
also  wiping  her  eyes — then  she  turns  and  looks  at  her  hus- 
band and  icith  a  little  break  in  her  voice  she  says) 

Mrs.  G.     (C.)     Jim  !— Jim  ! 

Jim.     i_i 

Mrs.  G.  (then  she  chokes  and  sj^hittcrs  out)  Don't  say 
6 


82  BILLVS  LITTLE  LOVE  AFFAIR. 

another  won!  about  it.  ami  I'll  double  your  allowance. 
(Jim  turns  (la-aij  and  tlien  funis  back  to  tier) 

Jim.  (tiotlji)  Damn  the  allowance!  Dash  it!  I  only 
want  to  jog  along  antl  keep  straight. 

Mrs.  G.  {softlij)  Do  you  really,  Jim?  (going  towards 
him  a  hit) 

Jim.  'Course  I  do — you're  a  jolly  good  sort,  and  all  that, 
and — {words  fail  him) 

Mrs.  G.  {almost  in  tears  again)  D'ye  really  tliink  so, 
Jim?  {then  wistfnlhj  going  a  tittle  furtlier  toicai-ds  him) 
Honest  Injun.  Jim  ? 

Jim.     {Jirmlij)     Honest  Injun. 

Mrs.  G.  {turning  had:  to  q.  with  a  choke)  Come  out- 
side. I  can't  talk  now.  {slie  goes  np  c.  and  then  turns 
hack)  Oil,  Jimm}-,  I — I'm  an  old  fool — but — I — I'll  buck 
up  and  be  better  if  I  can.  (.s7/e  hlows  her  nose  to  conceal 
her  emotion  and  Jntrries  out  into  the  garden  c.  to  L.) 

Jim.  [To  Jack  as  he  hurries  after  her)  It's  all  right. 
Ye  see  she's  a  jolly  good  sort  and  all  that,  ain't  she?  {he 
disappears  quickly  c.  to  L.  S xCKlooks  pleadingly  at  Bill\ 
then  goes  to  above  table) 

Jack.  Billy !  {she  doesn't  move)  We — we've  been  a 
little  foolish  haven't  we,  dear?  It — it's  my  fault  I  think, 
dear.  It — it  hasn't  been  wise  to  shut  up  our  real  selves 
from  each  other.     I — I  was  a  fool. 

Billy,    {with  a  half  sob)    So  was  I, 

Jack,  {coming  down  to  R.  of  table)  Oh,  my  dear,  shall 
we  try  again  ? 

Billy,  {he  raises  her  and  takes  her  in  her  arms)  If  you 
please.  Jack  ! 

Jack.  And  anything  that  ever  happened,  Bilh',  in  all 
our  lives,  Billy,  we'll  bring  to  each  other  for  help. 

Billy,  {looking  vp  lovingly  into  his  eyes)  For  help, 
yes,  Jack,     {he  kisses  her) 

Jack,  {putting  his  arm  round  her  tenderly)  Did  you 
sniff  ? 

Billy.     No  ! 

Jack.    Oh  ! 

quick  curtain. 


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